Pre-Pregnancy Panic

I had a moment around 3 a.m. Tuesday... Oh, my God. Can I do that?! Can I properly mother and care for a sick infant??! My 20-month-old niece was in the middle of a good couple-hour-or-so-long crying/fussing/screaming jag brought on by flu/cold/fever. My sister had her for awhile, then my mom went in to rock her. Then it was back to my sister. Sis ended up sleeping sitting up with the baby on her chest because every time baby would lie down she'd cough and then cry. My nerves jangled a bit from the distress the baby seemed to be having. I could feel her pain. And it was so late - or so early... What if that was me with the baby? By myself? The night before I have to give a presentation or lay into a city council member? Could I do it?? Would my patience hold out? Laying there next to my nine-year-old niece, having nothing to do with any of it, I felt a lot of frustration. And fear. And panic.

A couple days later, the fear and panic feel more distant. It was short-lived. The baby slept through last night (with my sister sleeping sitting up with baby on her ample bosom - the night before a big presentation at work - which she rocked...), and she was a mostly happy baby today. Sure I can do it. Ummm... unless my baby cries for two solid hours. Or three. Or off and on for six. What if it's not one night, but three in a row!? Plus days? What if my baby was really sick? Permanently sick? OK - STOP! Yeah. I could go on like that and really get myself worked back up into that panic. I know most women/parents wonder if they're truly up to the task. At least I'm not alone there.

Besides, I used to spend a great deal of time caring for my now nine-year-old niece when she was an infant. I rocked and held her through many hours of melt downs. And never did I lose patience with her (not for the sick or the crying... other things, yeah). Alright, I've talked myself back down.

I'm 8 DPO today. And hoping like crazy I'm pregnant!

By the way, speaking of pregnant, I had the distinct honor and pleasure of meeting one very pregnant Berrymomnw today for lunch! She was radiant. And she has the most lovely blue eyes and glossy/healthy brown hair!! She really is the person she seems to be in her blogs. I have to admit that I felt like a real idiot that I didn't think to bring her a baby gift until I'd 'bout pulled into the restaurant parking lot... DOH! Thankfully, she didn't seem to hold it against me. I hope I handle pregnancy half as gracefully as she is.

Holiday Ho-Hums & Ha-ha-ha's

Actually it's been a perfectly fine day. Did nothin' much. Well, the folks, sister, 9-year-old niece and I went to see Happy Feet. (Twenty-month-old niece went visiting with her dad.) Then came home and made and ate dinner. Completely overstuffed myself! I think if I'd forgone the large buttery salty popcorn and medium root beer at the movie, I'd probably not be in quite so much pain this very moment. AND I'd be upstairs enjoying pie and ice cream!

Instead, I'm in the basement reading blogs. Some really funny blogs. My gosh. I would love to be so bold as to put their links on my permanent page, but will instead at least give them a plug in the next couple paragraphs.

First up, Looky, Daddy! I found this doozy on LesbianDad's site. Contrast to the thoughtful nature of LesbianDad, Looky, Daddy! provides frequent hilarity - sort of a hip Dave Barry. Heh! The fun that can be had with twins!

Next, a little blog called Hypermetamorphic from Davis, California comes with lots of lovely little photos and a damn fine blog list. Matter of fact, I think I love Sasha most for her fine taste in blogs. I came to Hypermetamorphic via Looky, Daddy!

Many, many more lovely photos can be found on Confessions of a Pioneer Woman: Plowing through life in the country... one calf nut at a time. Yep, you get the idea. A crazy little red head from Oklahoma writes some of the funniest stuff I've read. And posts the loveliest photos of her kids. She is so proud of everything they do, you even get a chance to hear their recorded burps and silly mutterings.

Thanks also to Sasha/Hypermetamorphic, I've just finished laughing my ass off at Mimi Smartypants. You read her here, and you'll never hear John Madden or look at Peyton Manning the same again.

Lots and lots of other fabulous stuff is out there. Please leave comments with links to your favorite blogs, or just take a tour of some of theses here and let me know what you think. Maybe I'm just overly full and tired, or maybe they really are that funny!

It Was the Day Before the Day Before Christmas, and All Through the House...

I think the first thing out of my nine-year-old niece's mouth this morning was, "I get to open a present today..." She gets to open one present a day early -- our family has always opened our gifts on Christmas Eve. Then she went to the tree and picked the gift she wanted. And, since she knows the gift has to be approved first, she went for a conservative smallish rectangle from Grammy and Poppa. She has to wait until evening, usually after dinner, to open it. But she's all ready, and I guarantee obsessing about it this minute.

Reminds me of what it was like when I was a kid. And how the idea of opening presents, seeing if you got what you really, really wanted, was the highlight of the year. Well, actually, I suppose the "getting" what you really, really wanted was the highlight, but short of the getting, the anticipation was major!

You lose that after awhile. Having faced more than a few little disappointments and the fact that the giving becomes more important than the receiving, we grow out of this pre-gift-unwrapping obsession of "what's in the packages?".

TTC is a throwback to those days. If you temp, it's every day, first thing, "is it up where it's suppose to be"? If you're peeing on sticks, you know it should or shouldn't or maybe will have two dark lines. You have an idea of what should be, but you have to test to confirm it. And then the TWW. Did it or didn't it? Do I have symptoms? Eating and drinking every day as though you're pregnant. And each day leading up to a reasonable day to test... what's reasonable? The day before the day before AF? The DAY BEFORE THAT? Or just wait for AF to get here?

I'm 3 DPO now. I plan to test on 11 DPO. That's the day I leave Seattle and return to Phoenix. The day before the day before the day before AF. Would love to share some good news with my family. And, but I'll know that if it's negative, it doesn't mean a thing. BFN means nothin'. It's either BFP or AF. And really, either one is a gift if you're 43 and TTC. At least, I'm thinkin', I still have a chance.


Kobi is whining softly to me. I poured the hot water on his food upstairs to get it softened up a while ago. He's sure it's time to eat now and thinks I need a reminder to go back up and put his food on the floor for him. Best get to it and back to the family.

It's raining outside. It's warm and the Christmas tree is lit on the inside. The house smells sweet with the sugar cookie and candy making that went on yesterday. And my two beautiful nieces are running circles around the staircase upstairs.

Love to you & yours, and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Solstice!!

AI'ing on the Road

Well, not exactly on the road, but not at home... I'm enjoying a two week holiday vacation at my family's in the Pacific Northwest. And not wanting a break from TTC, I had the swimmers shipped to a DHL facility "near" my sister's house this past Monday. Driving darkened streets and freeways alone in unfamiliar areas is always an adventure, but fortunately I found my way there and back without mishap.

At the same time, I was getting really worried that my cycle was way off. The OV-Watch was only starting to indicate fertility on Monday, which meant I wasn't suppose to ovulate until Friday. But that would have been CD17! I normally "O" on CD 15. I was SO excited on Tuesday when an OPK at 3 am showed my LH surge was approaching. At 6 am, I got a positive OPK and a peak on my CBFM, even though on Monday it registered "low" fertility. I had two vials, so I did one AI at about 9 pm on Tuesday and again about 9 am on Wednesday. I had my mom searching through her just moved belongings (she and Dad moved in to my sister's place this past week) looking for a hand-held mirror and a flashlight... and I absconded with my 9-year-old niece's Play-Doh. I used a syringe and catheter with IUI grade sperm, and got a pretty good view of what I was doing with my new speculum. I'm pretty happy with the timing and everything.

So far the score is 1 for the OV-Watch and 1 for the CBFM. My loyalty is now split.

The TWW is officially ON. But since I did the first AI yesterday, and the second one today, I'm not sure if I'm 1 DPO or 0 DPO today... I probably O'd at or after midnight, so we'll say today is day 0. That keeps my "O" on CD 15, too. I like consistency.

Well, back to family fun! I'll try to check in when I can, but that doesn't seem to be too often.

Happy Holidays!!!!

Holiday Q&A

I got this from Michell's blog who got it from Candace's blog... Play along, won't you??

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?? Egg Nog - I already drank a quart this week. *BRP*
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? At my family's house & growing up, always just set under the tree.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Nothing at my house. Family does both/and.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? Nope. Why would I hang a parasite in the house?
5. When do you put your decorations up? What decorations?
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Stuffing, mashed potatoes and brown gravy (all meat-free, of course).
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Not sure that there is just one--it's more of a conglomeration. I loved having the big Thanksgiving dinners at my grandparent's house growing up. The cooking, the eating all day, the conversation and teasing and playing with my cousins. Sometimes it was the only day of the year I might see some of those folks.
8. When and how did you learn there was no Santa? I was 9 years old, at my cousins' house for summer vacation. Sitting in the back seat of my aunt's car with cousins, they asked if I still believed in Santa. I said yes. They laughed. They straightened me out about the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy as well. Then, not sure if it was the same day or the next, but shortly thereafter they baptized me with the laying on of hands and told me I would be able to speak in tongues. Cool! I practiced and practiced... When I showed my aunt that it worked--I could speak in tongues--she told me it was something I should keep to myself. Kind of like masturbation, I guess...
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? It was always everything on Christmas Eve. And usually a gift or two on preceding days.
10. What kind of cookies does Santa get put out for him? Sugar cookies.
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? LOVE IT.
12. Can you ice skate? Have never tried.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I've received a lot of very thoughtful gifts over the years. And I loved the diamond earrings my husband gave me when we were married 20 years ago... Yikes! But I most remember a bad boot trend in gifts. In 2000, my boyfriend gave me some great hiking boots... about 5 days after Christmas when he was breaking up with me. In 2002, a different boyfriend gave me a pair of boots the day before he took me to the airport to go home for Christmas... he was sleeping with someone else before I got home a week and a half later.
14. What's the most important thing about the holidays for you? Going home to visit my family.
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Mom makes some really fun candies and cookies - but I think the chocolate covered nut clusters are my favorite.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? With my family, we always take a walk before opening presents and Santa always manages to get gifts under the tree while we're out walking. We can usually convince my niece that she sees Santa in the sky. She even saw his shadow on the ground last year... She's 9 as of yesterday. This will probably be our last year with Santa for her. But my other niece will be 2 1/2 next year, so Santa will keep coming to their house for awhile.
17. What tops your tree? What tree?
18. Which do you prefer: Giving or Receiving? I'm not answering that... Okay. I love to give, but I've been poor for several years now. Mom usually gives me some great gifts. This year I get some silverware ($20 Target) that I've been wanting. And I'm sure there will be more.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Bing Crosby's "White Christmas," and Bob & Doug MacKenzie's "12 Beers of Christmas"
20. Candy Canes- love em or leave em? Like 'em fine.
21. Favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Story and It's a Wonderful Life.
22. When does your tree get taken down? What tree?

CD Whatever News

What is it?... Cycle Day 7. My CBFM still doesn't know me, so wanted me to start peeing on sticks today. (It thinks I'm CD 6 because you don't start counting until you have full flows [river terminology] during your testing window...) I figure I'll blow another 15-20 sticks on it again this month. I'm a little nervous about this cycle as my temps have been SUPER rocky and pretty dang low--the rockiest since I started temping. And I'm temping the same time every day with never less than 6 hours sleep. I don't get it. I'm a little worried, too, about shipping and getting my dewar in time. It's suppose to ship to arrive Monday, but it could be late due to holiday shipping. I "probably" don't need it until Wednesday, but what if I'm a day early? Suddenly there's issues. Thing is, I don't want it shipped to my sister's house on Friday when there's no one home. Still contemplating options... may have it held at a facility.

Kobi had a follow-up today with the oncologist. Ah, fun. They'd set my appointment for 8am. I showed up and staff said, "Uh, you dropping Kobi off? Cuz the doc doesn't come in until 9. Not sure why they made an 8am appointment..." So I went home and came back an hour later. Doc said that most of the tissue is healing well and that the tissue that isn't healing doesn't look any worse. Hard to say if it's "granulation tissue" or tumor, except that if it's tumor, it should have changed. So that's basically good news. Kobi also got his health certificate all filled out. Doc listed him as a doberman X and then laughed... He's always previously been listed as a rottweiler X. It's hard to tell - the coloring is the same either way. And he's a big dog either way. But sort of just shows how she doesn't "know" him or his records. I dunno. It's probably not a big deal. It feels strange, though, to have this official-type document that describes him as a breed other than what he's ever been described before. Like his identity has been tampered with. ...but it's not a big deal. Is it... ?

It's Tuesday. We fly to Seattle Saturday. I have a site visit with a grant funder on Friday. (Keep your fingers crossed that we get this $80K grant so I can hire staff for a campaign I started 3 months ago! The fact that they do a site visit is a very good indication that some money will be forthcoming, although no guarantee how much or whether until they make announcements in February.) Lots of other stuff to do between now and then... Ummm, so I'd better wrap it up.

Oh, and still no word from the (ex- I guess) boyfriend. Thursday will be three weeks.

A Poem in the Making

I invite you to add a verse or a thought! Add a stanza or a line. Make a change (PLEASE! Right now it's sort of a jumble...). We will write this poem about wanting a child together, and I will update the text as your comments are added and synthesized.


A Space Beside Me

A reserved seat, a space awaits
Breath comes from deep wishes
and miles of thoughts, doubts and dreams
Another heart beating, chest falling
Another supreme, beautiful worry
A space awaits the love my life
does not yet know

My thoughts build a home inside
Belly hugging, holding, wanting
Tender breasts and longing feed
Self-cast maternity
I'd buy a shirt to make it so
A crib, a bib, a diaper bag
Hedging bets to borrow

A hole, a space, a dream replace
what's made long and painful safe
With new and tiny, warmth and mine
Joy and fear fold origami treasures
Each moment thanked for eager
gifts in what wishes
holds tomorrow

Puff 'n' Fluff

Just stuff:

Kobi's doing okay. His mouth appears to be healing except for this thumb-pad sized area. I'm not sure whether it's regrown tumor already or what the doc called "granulation tissue." We have another follow-up on Tuesday with the oncologist. She'll also do a health certificate so he can fly with me to Seattle on the 16th. THAT will be an adventure! His appetite has not in any way been decreased by his illness. Good sign, right?

I still have not talked to my boyfriend since Thanksgiving. I just left him a second message--the first one was a week ago last Wednesday. He has not attempted to call me back. I've had a few different emotions about this. I'm basically done at this point. Just tired. It would just be nice to have a final conversation about it, though.

I'm trying to sort out whether or not to move quickly into a medicated cycle. I discussed doing a "clomid challenge test" with the ob/gyn friend and she said "sure, as long as you're not going to do an AI that month..." She didn't think I wanted to risk getting pregnant with twins or multiples. That wouldn't exactly be ideal for me - on my own, limited income, growing debts... Yeah, that would be beyond difficult. But is no baby better than two or three? Still, I think the risk is pretty slim. She mentioned something like 12%. OH! She also mentioned my current chances of getting pregnant unassisted are certainly in the single digits... maybe 1 or 2%. That was really just based on my age. But very depressing!

At any rate, I probably need to set up a visit, or at least a phone call to my regular ob/gyn. Unfortunately, my insurance, as great as it is, does not cover any (in)fertility treatments, medications, etc. I will proceed with this second AI naturally, although I might get some progesterone cream... Just not sure about all this. Will have to move into some sort of assistance, though, soon if I really want any kind of a chance at this.

I did order my next shipment. I'll be doing my insem in Seattle. Maybe the change of scenery will do me good. It's been so dry and the air so polluted here... maybe I need to go north and get watered. Grow baby, grow!

I got my first baby thing (not including crib, stroller, high chair and playpen in storage at my folks'): an Oilily diaper bag! Ebay. Less than 1/2 price. LOVE IT!

Only ONE WEEK until vacation!!!

If wishes were horses...

My horse would be on a maxi-pad, not me.

Okay, you can uncross your fingers... (skip to read end of last post). It's only about an hour after my previous post. Funny how things can change so quickly!?

On to cycle #2!! With this next cycle I should have the answer on about my 43rd birthday, January 4th. That would be one hell of a terrific birthday present!!!!!

Dare I say it?

I'm sitting here at the edge of the end of my TWW.... I've had very light spotting for days. Unusual. Today it's normal, the day before I start I usually have a little light spotting. Twelve to 24 hours later, it feels like my uterus is falling out. That lasts for just a day, and I wind down totally in about three more days. I don't normally have many premenstrual symptoms. No cramping. May get a zit or two, and I did get one on my neck yesterday which has all but disappeared today. Breasts are still huge and tender, but not as tender as a week ago. Normal tenderness for the day before my period should start.

I have tested. I've tested every day for the last three days. First pee. BFN. Negative. Nope. And that's okay, it's still early. I still might be. I should know by tomorrow. If still no period tomorrow, then I'll buy a couple digital tests--I've been using cheap/practically free test sticks.

Also, my cervix seems pretty darn high up for being the day before my period. I can't tell you anything more about it... I can't find it!

And I woke up about 3:00am feeling like I was about to puke. But I just laid there until I fell back to sleep. That could have been the Doritos I ate just before bed...

But then there's my temp! I thought for sure it would drop significantly by this morning. It has always (for the past four months) dropped by 13 DPO. I have a 13 day luteal phase. But it's still up there. So maybe? This is a killer! I can be so realistic and calm and fine with it not working out this cycle. But WOULDN'T IT BE COOL IF I WAS PREGGO!??!!!! OMG! ...calm down...

Myself and at least two other women from the NWAC board are getting together this evening and meeting for the first time! There's about ten of us in the Phoenix area, and one in Tucson. We plan to try again in January to get a few more people, including one lady who will be here from Idaho for a week. I'm very excited about tonight!

Well... I'll keep you posted. I expect EVERYBODY'S fingers to be crossed!!!

Okay, I did it. Yes, I did it. And I'd do it again!

11 DPO. And I tested. Yeah. I did. See, here's what happened...

My fertility monitor has been reading high since CD 13, two days before ovulation, and I've burned through the 20 sticks that came with the monitor when I bought it on ebay. When I woke up this morning, I had the bright idea that since I'll probably start my period in a couple days, and rather than open a new box of sticks, I would use the stick from yesterday--yes, a used stick. If it read "something" it might be better than just not testing. But in case it didn't like the used stick--gave me an error message or something--I wanted some urine on the ready. And since I needed to pee right then and no way could I wait five minutes for the monitor to do its thing, I peed in a cup. Well, the monitor read the old stick. So here I had perfectly good urine collected in a clean paper cup... and I'm 11 DPO. Hmmm... what should I do? Grab a pregnancy test and stick it in? Okay.

It was negative. And I was okay with that. A negative on 11 DPO doesn't mean anything. A positive would have been beyond words. I wouldn't have minded being speechless. I'm sure I would have recovered just fine. And quickly. But I'm okay with negative.

Besides there's always 12 DPO.

On another note, if you've read past posts, you may have read about a certain boyfriend who was surprisingly supportive and sweet about this whole Single Mother By Choice thing. I inseminated on Thanksgiving, midnight, noon and midnight. I had dinner with said boyfriend around 6 (after an altogether weird encounter, which I'll write about in a second). I left his place about 8. I haven't heard from him since.

The weirdness: I told him the day before to call me about 4:00 on Thanksgiving to let me know what was going on as far as dinner timing. He didn't call, so I called him at 4:30 and left a message. I decided I wanted to make stuffing and the store near his house was closing in one hour, so I thought I should just head over there, pick stuff up and come over. He didn't call me back on my cell phone, so after I left the store and was pulling into his place, I called again. No answer, so I left another message. It's about 5:30. I take the groceries up to his place and knock. No answer. I check to make sure his car is there - yes. I knock again. And again. Rather than just leaving, I get my keys--his keys--and open the door. Slowly. "Hello?... hello??" Finally a response... "Can I come in?" Yeah. I put stuff in the kitchen. He's in the bathroom and hasn't come out, so I go into the hall and say hi, sorry, I wasn't sure what to do... He's naked, just out of the shower, just getting his contacts in.

We never really recovered. He said it was okay, but it didn't feel okay. But I wasn't sure what else I was suppose to have done. And why should it feel so weird? I have keys. I had repeatedly tried to get ahold of him, and he wasn't answering. We had plans.

After dinner we sat and watched football and he fell asleep (he had beef roast, not turkey). I eventually woke him up and said goodbye (having sat and watched football "alone" which I would never do at home). He walked me to my car, wished me luck on my AI at midnight, hugged, kissed, and I drove away. And I haven't heard from him since. I did leave him a message on Wednesday evening last week. He's never attempted to call me back.

Could he be hurt? Injured? Dead?? Possibilities, I suppose. In which case I would feel terrible for having thought so poorly of him this past week... I guess he's having more problem with this SMBC and AI than he'd admitted? But it's been almost two weeks. I'm not sure I'll answer if he does call. Except I probably will. But not during "Heroes."

No Thanks, I'm Driving

It dawned on me at 6:07 a.m. this morning that I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed. I'd rather be thrilled than devastated. Okay, those are probably pretty common preferences. But here's how it manifests for me. After the first couple days of "oh, wow! I might be pregnant... boy, I hope, I hope, I hope I'm pregnant," I entered a phase of resignation that I'm not in fact pregnant. I know there isn't much chance (read: zero) of hoping or praying a baby into existence if my egg wasn't fertilized. It's either there in my womb or it's not. I can hope that if it's there it sticks. I can hope that if it's there it's healthy. I have to still act as though it's there (GOD, I MISS COFFEE!), but I'm resigned to not being pregnant this round, not getting a positive test (if I test... Of COURSE I'll test! I'm resigned, but I'm not hopeless. Or maybe I am...).

I just don't want to wish and hope for something that isn't there and be disappointed. And what's the point of hoping there's a baby bean there if nine days ago the two mysterious gametes did not in fact meet in a long, dark alley under ideal circumstances, do the tango and transcend into oneness? And if I hope "too much," isn't there a chance I'll be devastated? I can't afford to get much lower...

But then again, are the dark days due to a lack of hope? I feel extraordinarily vulnerable at this point. To too much hope or too much doubt. I'm tiptoeing a line between two extremes. AH! My all or nothing schematic in yet another form. ...glad I talked THAT one out...

This is me with five hours sleep. I'm definitely more of an eight to nine hours per day type-a-gal, and not a morning person. Even when I can't sleep.

9DPO - still have sore breasts, every day since 2DPO?! My temp finally went a little higher today, but that could be because I only had 5 hours sleep. Yawn... Must be time for a nap!

Update: maybe (LO-O-O-ONG SHOT!) some implantation spotting today. Sorta. Maybe? We'll know soon...

Update 12/3: temperature dropped this morning. Still above coverline, but I expect it to drop below tomorrow. On schedule to start AF Thursday. It's okay! I know I'm not out yet, but it's really okay.

I Got Nothin'

Okay, my boobs are still sore and big, and they and my nipples hurt like crazy when I take my bra off at night. But other than that, nothin'. And I think the boob pain is more from sudden recent non-baby related weight gain than anything. My temperature has remained conspicuously low - still biphasic, but barely. By this time next week, I'll probably be back to tampons. Which reminds me, I need to order another sensor for my OV Watch... Prepare for another cycle.

And crap... I was just at the health food store where I bought more of my powdered greens and several teas. I THOUGHT I bought more green tea, some red raspberry tea, and nettle leaf tea. I opened them all up when I got home, put one of each tea bag in a large cup and poured the hot water. Yep. Went back out to refresh the water and noticed two of the boxes were the green tea, the other red raspberry. I apparently put the nettle leaf down and picked up a second green tea or some such nonsense... In any case, I've got green tea coming out my ears.

Kobi-bobi is happy with all the new treats he gets -- lots of pill-meatballs! He's on an antibiotic - four pills - to clear up any nasal infection that he might have (I'd mentioned his boogers in a previous post...) and the liquid bloodroot pill I have to make morning and night (injecting the liquid into a gelatin capsule and quickly burying it in a meatball). That's SIX meatballs a day! And his food moistened and enhanced with Chinese herbs. He is THRILLED with his new diet!! He's always followed me every time I go to the kitchen, but now his enthusiasm is unrelenting. When his appetite slows down, THEN I'll be really worried.

Otherwise, I'm just hanging in there. Contemplating asking my friend/doc to get more aggressive for future AI's, although the next one I'll be out of town--I can either wait and use the vials when I'm on some fertility drugs, or just go ahead and give it another shot without. I'm leaning towards going ahead at least one more time myself (while out of town at my family's house in Seattle!), then asking the doc to do IUIs the next couple times, and maybe fertility meds. I think I'm too old to drag this on too long. I also hate to do anything unnecessary, though. And financially, it all needs to be "smart" money spent.

So, yeah... the TWW is going great...

Kobi-boo, maybe not so good as he seems

(blue is for blue) We had a three-week post-op follow-up visit with his oncologist today. The news was not so good, and I’m pretty torn up. He has an aggressive form of osteosarcoma, not the “MLO”-brand they thought it was originally. This has a high metasteses rate to the lungs, although there isn’t studies available on his maxillary variety. The mandibular variety has a 35% rate within 1 year, whereas the “long bone” osteosarcoma has a 95% rate. Not sure where his fits. Also, the margins of the tumor were incomplete, so there is some cancer tissue remaining in his mouth. It is expected the tumor will regrow.

Doc recommends chemo now, since it's a different type of cancer than she thought, to slow down tumor regrowth and metasteses. It would also increase his chance of survival from four to six months currently to one year, with a 25% chance of two years. Unfortunately, I really can't afford it. I’ve already spent more than $8K on his medical issues this year (or rather went that much further into debt). Breaks my heart, but I can’t see spending an additional $2K to $4K and only buying him another 6 mos. I am putting him on some Chinese herbs and vitamins, and will try to keep his immune system healthy. This really, really sucks… But I’ll try to stay positive and make every day a good day for him. And for me.

As far as the TWW goes, it is slow and very, very painful. I have more movies to keep me busy. Good thing, cuz I don't seem to be letting work get in the way of my TWW thoughts... I could at least use a break in the evenings. But like I said, I think my focus may shift a bit more off of me and onto the Kobester. We'll just see how it goes.

Do my boobs look bigger to you?

Yeah. Breast tenderness right away. Sharp pains in the right breast around and below the nipple yesterday. And they feel fuller.

I've looked back at my charts and don't notice anything consistent in terms of breast tenderness, but did see that in August I had four straight days of tenderness, 6-9 DPO. That takes a little wind out of my sail, but still: Early pregnancy sign in this case?

Who knows... I'm only 3 DPO, so symptoms at this stage are unlikely, though not unheard of.

I AM trying to distract myself. Easiest way for me to lose myself is in movies. I watched two Friday night, two Saturday night, and I expect to go to Blockbuster in the next hour or so to pick up two more. My dishes are clean and I've done one load of laundry so far. Three to go. Brushed Kobi-dog--who is doing very well, by the way! He has his three-week post-op appointment on Wednesday, and everything seems like it's healing. He does get big crusty boogers out of his left nostril, though. That was the side where they had to infiltrate the nasal cavity.

That's pretty much it. Except I've fallen in love with my anonymous sperm donor. I had a very good vibe about him when I did the selection. I followed up recently--guess I got a little bit curious and sentimental--and ordered the long profile. This gives a little more family medical history and more Q&A. Although his handwriting is a little difficult to read, I found that somewhat reassuring. He's obviously thoughtful and intelligent. He has a BFA (ceramics, sculpture, art education and art history) and a K-12 teaching certificate. The big attraction, besides his being 6'5", trim and active outdoors, including rock climbing, artistic, musical (plays a full drum kit) and that he's particularly attuned to nature, is that he's considering getting a degree in environmental sciences. Yep. And I am 6'2", sometimes trim and active outdoors, used to love rock climbing, a great appreciator of art, once sung in a band and studied music, lover of nature and an environmental activist. Seems like a perfect match!!

Except that I'm probably old enough to be his mother. Which is also kind of sexy at the same time. He seems particularly mature for his age...

So, I find myself a little jealous and protective of this donor's sperm (forcing myself to get less personal - he's not a "he," he's a "donor"). I originally bought nine vials and put six in storage. But what if that's not enough? What if I need more and they're out of his? I don't want anyone else to use him... errrr, this donor. Not until I've got my baby with his... this donor's traits!

I'm exaggerating some. The sperm bank is a service open to all women who qualify. We are all seeking that same thing: a healthy pregnancy, complication-free child-birth and beautiful, healthy baby. Of course I wouldn't deny anyone else the opportunity to use this donor. But wouldn't it be great if I could get pregnant and have his... this donor's baby? A donor I might actually date in the real world if he was about 10 years older? He's an even better fit than the 5'11" Greek musician who wants to make the world a better place! ...the one I fell in love with the first time I started looking at donor profiles at another bank.

Okay... I need to watch movies so I can stop thinking about silly stuff like this! It's probably a good thing that tomorrow is Monday.

1 DPO

Yes, it's one day past ovulation (1 DPO) and the two week wait (TWW) has started. I'm hoping like crazy that these two beautiful gametes--my egg and one of the donor's handsome professional swimmers-- have met and the two became one beautiful zygote. Let the cell division begin!

Yeah, this is going to be a long two weeks...

I've got to thank everybody who has sent me well wishes, from all the gals on the NW board, my family in the NW, and anyone else who just happened by. I also have a very supportive network of friends who have all just been lovely!!

As for the actual inseminations, I won't go into graphic detail, but I will say that there's definitely a learning curve with handling all of these new gadgets and storage equipment. I would say my last of the three was the one I was least happy with, but I think it was an earlier one that was needed to do the trick anyway, so...

In 5-10 days (I've read 5-7 and 7-10), the cluster of cells, or blastula, if it has formed, will need to implant into my endometrium in order for a healthy pregnancy to begin. I'm ready!!

On a more personal note (MORE personal than my uterus?), I plan to have a lovely evening of Thanksgiving holiday movie watching with a girlfriend. On the queue, Pieces of April and Home for the Holidays. Pizza, popcorn and sparkling cider are on the menu. Should be LOTS of fun!!

It's Fa-sci-na-tion... with In-se-mi-na-tion!

Alright. After some--okay, much--stress and worry (DHL was suppose to deliver my swimmers on Monday, but didn't bother themselves with it) I received my golden vials of sperm today. I'm so relieved! And excited!! BUT, now my new obsession... oh, first yesterday's obsession: refreshing the DHL tracking webpage every 20 minutes or less to see if there was any new news on my package. My NOW obsession is trying to figure out precisely when I'm suppose to inseminate! I mean this is important!! I'm trying to map it all out so I'm not left with three vials of sperm goin', "Where's the peak?!"

Today was my CD 13. I normally ovulate on CD 15. The OV Watch confirms I'll ovulate two days from now, Thanksgiving, by saying today is Fertile Day 3. An anonymous commenter to this blog quoted literature available on the OV Watch website that says that intra-uterine inseminations (IUI) should be performed on Fertile Day 3 or 4. I'll be doing an intra-cervical insemination (ICI), but I'm sure the guideline here is probably basically the same.

Now what would make me PERFECTLY happy would be to see a positive on an OPK test tomorrow. And even a PEAK on the fertility monitor. My trifecta.

I'm already expecting that not to happen, though, because I haven't seen it yet. Given that I will likely ovulate on CD 15, Thanksgiving, and that I SHOULD have a luteinizing hormone (LH) surge tomorrow whether or not any monitoring device picks it up (even though I'm not on clomid or any fertility drugs), I am really tempted to inseminate at about 6pm tomorrow, 6am on Thanksgiving and again at 6pm. That way if I ovulate at ANY time on Tofurkey Day, midnight to midnight, I'll have swimmers there waiting.

And, if the peak shows up on T-Day, I can just hold that last insemination off a few hours. Or maybe just do midnight, noon and midnight... AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Okay, I'm just gonna put it out there: Please, God, let me surge tomorrow! Let me register a surge tomorrow!... I WILL... I WILL get a + OPK tomorrow!

I can't WAIT to play with the little vials. It seems just crazy to be handling some unknown donor's sperm. But I guess until we can create synthetic sperm...

...and, well, it's probably best if that day never comes.

Update 11/22: No Trifecta
1) BBT still low, slight dip today; 2) fertility monitor "high," but no surge LH detected; 3) OPK+ !!!!! I'm guessing that my surge was after or just not readable at 6am when I use the monitor. I got a positive OPK at 1:30pm!

So now what? I am going to a hockey game tonight with my boyfriend. I think I'll do the first AI when I get home, between 11 & 12. Then noon and midnight Thanksgiving. Yay!!

Chelle's Own Tofurkey Recipe

I have created my own variation from a couple recipes I pulled off the web a few years ago. I can even get an 8 year old to eat it, and she often says at various times throughout the year how much she likes it (or maybe she just misses me...).

Note that you don't want to overdo tofu or other soy products when attempting to conceive. A couple servings per day should prove more healthful than not consuming any, but you definitely don't want to get too carried away. My online research showed that 60 grams of soy protein consumed daily for two months could lengthen a woman's cycle by two days. However cultures that consume tofu and soy products on a regular basis do not show lowered fertility rates. As the fertility window for women trying to conceive is so precious, moderation is advised.


"Sausage Stuffing" Stuffed Tofu Turkey

Tofurkey:
3 lbs extra firm tofu, crumbled and molded into a colander lined with cheese cloth. I weight the tofu down with a 5# weight on top of a plate small enough to just fit inside the colander, placed in the refrigerator over night over a bowl to catch drippings

1/2 c. sesame oil
1/4 c. tamari
2 tablespoons vegetable bullion paste (OR miso)
2 tbsp orange juice concentrate
1 tsp honey mustard
Sprinkle of hand ground thyme, rosemary and sage


Stuffing:
1/2 package Gimme Lean brand meatless sausage
1/2 c. minced onion
1/2 c. finely chopped celery
1 c. chopped mushrooms
2 cloves minced garlic
2 tbsp sesame oil
2 tbsp vegetable broth
1 1/2 tsp rosemary
2 tsp thyme
2 tsp sage
1/8 tsp pepper
3 c. plain small bread cubes

Prepare 1 c. vegetable broth (I prefer a bullion paste, the brand escapes me, but I'll edit this as soon as I go to the store and buy more!). You'll use 2 tbsp to start, and then add the rest later. Saute onion and celery in sesame oil and 2 tbsp vegetable broth until soft. Add mushrooms and garlic. Crumble in sausage and brown, chopping into smaller pieces as it cooks. Also add rosemary, thyme, sage and pepper. Once "sausage" is fully browned, mix in the bread cubes and the rest of the broth. Remove from heat and cover.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease a cookie sheet.

Combine 1/2 c. sesame oil, 1/4 c. tamari, 2 tablespoons vegetable bullion paste (OR miso), 2 tbsp orange juice concentrate, 1 tsp honey mustard, and a sprinkle of hand ground thyme, rosemary and sage in a small bowl.

Hollow out tofu to an inch lining the colander. Brush the inside of the tofu lining with the tamari mixture, and stuff with the stuffing. Use the scooped out tofu to cover the stuffing, pressing firmly. Place this flat side down on the cookie sheet and press gently on sides to form a more oval shape (if desired). Brush with 1/2 of the tamari mixture and cover with foil.

Bake for 1 hour, remove foil, baste with tamari mixture (save about 4 tbsp), and bake for another hour or until brown. Brush with remaining tamari and serve hot.

Hope you enjoy!

Two Tofurkey or Not Two Tofurkey

1) My OV Watch showed "fertile day one" today! It's suppose to do a four day countdown to the LH surge based on changes in the sodium chloride ions secreted in the wearer's perspiration. (The LH surge comes four days after the sodium chloride surge ends.) My CBEFM still registered low today. I do see a faint, faint second line on the stick hours after the test, which hasn't been there on previous days, so I think it's/I'm gearing up, even if the monitor didn't read it. According to the OV Watch, which solely reads the sodium chloride surge, my LH surge will be on CD 15, and I'll ovulate between CD 15 and CD 16. I'll likely be AI'ing Thanksgiving Day, 6am, 6pm and 6am Friday. (Which means I might be heading home early from a Thanksgiving potluck or staying home with my tofurkey [see separate post for recipe]). I HOPE the CBEFM confirms! And yes, I'm so obsessive I WILL be testing with OPK pee sticks on CD 14, 15 and 16 as necessary to try to triple confirm.

I MIGHT COULD USE SOME ADVICE ON TIMING FROM THE EXPERIENCED OUT THERE... if ovulation occurs 12-36 hours after the surge (and I've also read 24-48 hours after)... if my surge occurs at midnight or earlier on Wednesday, and I don't get a reading of that surge until Thursday, it would seem I should AI immediately, particularly if my egg is one that is only viable for 6 hours, so the sperm has time to get where it needs to go.


2) My boyfriend is around this year rather than in Colorado with family (he's there now instead), and we thought we'd spend Thanksgiving together, even if that meant going to a potluck, which I usually do (but again, not sure if I'll do that or stay home). He's not really a part of this conception goal I have - he supports what I'm doing, but doesn't want to be a father again yet (he has a young daughter), and isn't the right father at this point in time for my child.

It is what it is, but I'm wondering how awkward it's going to be to AI and enjoy Thanksgiving with him, or if we should just take a pass this year. I guess I'll ask him Wednesday night at (or after) the hockey game... Honestly, though, he wouldn't eat the tofurkey in any case.

Defying Logic (and, hopefully, odds)

How weird is it to do something because you know you have to go through the paces... pay your dues, so to speak... and besides, well, maybe it will work.

I have a shipment of three vials of "swimmers" arriving on Monday for my first AI. I'm very conscious of the costs, so yeah, it's nearly $750 with shipping, etc. And there's the monitors and test kits and instead cups and... It adds up! And I have to do this knowing that it is very unlikely that I will get pregnant this round. Or the next. Or the one after that... But there's a chance. A small, like 10% chance, that I will get pregnant. But it won't happen if I don't try, obviously, so down this road I go.

I am pretty freakin' excited about it, too! I'll go with these horrible odds, kiss the dice and roll!!

Loose Lips

Strange who knows I'm TTC'ing (trying to conceive), and who doesn't. And why.

I have a somewhat casual friend, former neighbor, an artist who I recently bought two pieces from (photos)... she knows. She hugged me so hard tonight when I went to pick up the second photo. She wanted me to be sure and tell her what happens after my first AI. She's married and starting to feel closer to ready to start a family. Now. Maybe a couple months from now. But soon. I LIKE her. But we don't really know each other well.

My dear, DEAR friend Mel knows. But she didn't find out until very recently because she'd been so busy we never had a chance to talk. It pained me that she didn't know I'd made such a life changing decision. We talked on the phone a couple times and I suggested we would get together, but then it fell through. Finally I had to just blurt it out. "I'M GOING TO BUY SPERM AND GET MYSELF PREGNANT... I HOPE..."

Another dear friend knows and has from the start. My parents and my sister know because I'm incredibly close with all of them. We're practically enmeshed, except we only talk about once a week and 1500 miles separate us. I told my dad last, but still he's known since August.

My boyfriend knows. And as I stated in an earlier post, he's not interested in contributing. But he's also not interested in breaking up. Somebody else I only talk to about once a week, but only 12 miles separate us.

My boss (or one of them) knows. We rode in the car together for a couple hours. He has two young ones, and he's about 10 years older than I am. His wife is my age. Both of her pregnancies were supposedly accidents. Two boys, five years and nearly one. Our work is pretty intense, and I felt like I needed him to know. To "get" where I am in my life. Huh...

And one other person at work knows. Someone from another office. We slept with the same guy... me nearly four years ago, her about a year ago. Suddenly she and I were intimate friends because of it (LONG, long story). So we know a little more about one another than, well, maybe we should.

I won't tell other people at work until there's no denying it I suppose. Some people at work would be supportive, I'm sure. Others will have attitude. It's an environmental organization. Several staff think humans have bred quite enough thank you. And in many ways I agree... our individual & collective "footprints" are FAR bigger than the world can support. I'm very guilty of unnecessary material consumption. But I have to have hope for our collective futures. I have to have hope that we will address global warming. I have to have hope that we will protect our last flowing rivers, last old growth forests, last intact grasslands and deserts... And I have to believe that it's about the future and a healthy planet, but it's also about love and family.

Of course there's no reason I should tell people I work with until I'm actually pregnant. And there may well be some judgments - that I'm single, that I'm a breeder. But there's also no reason I should have to explain myself.

Speaking of that. Only one person so far has asked me "why" I want to have a baby at this point. And that was my doctor. My GP. I was taken aback. "Well... because it was never time before. Now it's time. I want this more than anything else." He didn't really need or require an explanation, and my short answer was enough to turn the conversation to his own recent fatherhood. His wife nearly died. And she's a doctor--a pediatrician. Maybe that's why he asked me why. They're younger than I am. Maybe he was worried about me. I asked him if I should worry about my health or complications. I have a heart condition (or two). He said I should be fine. And he's looking forward to knowing how things work out for me.

I don't think anybody else needs to know at this point. Not anyone I'm planning on telling but haven't yet. Several people I don't want to mention it to... and have had to catch myself. I'm looking forward to a big belly being the only announcement I need.

But the artist friend tonight asked me when we were going to have a fertility party... Maybe when I need to raise funds for an AI.

More Countdown (or Inescapable Mind Meanderings and Ruthless Ramblings)

Okay, so this isn't really countdown news... But I've had some globby little thoughts lately I need to air.

I have three cats in addition to my bubby-dog, Kobi. These three cats are rescue cats. Cats picked up off the street or out of a dumpster, cats found with eye infections and that cannibalized their siblings (okay, only Hannibal did that). They're healthy now. They're sorta cute. And I love them. But have you noticed this is the first you've heard of them?

When I moved to Phoenix in 1999, I noticed an incredible abundance of feral cats unlike I'd ever seen in Portland, OR or any other town we'd ever lived in growing up. Almost like locusts these cats. And, seeings as nobody else was doing anything about all these cats, I took it upon myself to try to fix the problem. In about three months, I got 38 cats and kittens neutered or spayed, and many of them adopted out. (Of course that wasn't even a tiny dent in the thousands in downtown Phoenix and the hundreds of thousands or millions in Maricopa County.) I only kept three of them, one of which eventually slipped out a door and never came back (although I did see her around the block, but she looked happier and even healthier than she did when she lived with me - thinner). But in those few months I became so exhaustingly sick of cats. I'd ended up on a couple cat rescue phone lists, and people from all over the Valley would call me at all hours when they needed help catching, fixing, adopting out cats... this happened for a few years after I wanted nothing more to do with cats. I'd been bitten and had infections. I'd spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on vet bills and food and cat litter.

I quit my thankless cat rescuing ways. But then a neighbor came by with a box of kittens pulled from a dumpster. I can't remember now if it was six or seven kittens, but they were tiny--days old if that. Although one of the little guys was a little bigger than the rest, so I wasn't sure if he was really from the same litter or not. I cleaned them up and got the baby kitty formula from PetSmart, a couple syringes (they always worked better for me than the bottles), blankets and a plushy toy they could snuggle. I found that whenever I would leave them alone and come back, Hannibal would be suckling on some body part or other of another kitten... an ear, an eye or nose, an umbilical/button... the genitals... and the part would be at least three or four times swollen its normal size. Poor boogers. I separated them. But after a few days, only Hannibal and a little girl were left. (Day-old kittens with no mamas to nurse them have very high mortality rates. I think keeping 1/3 of them alive was pretty amazing given their condition!) I kept them for a few weeks, and finally decided I would keep him and give the girl, later named Heidi, to a neighbor. He was my third cat--a replacement cat for the one that ran away, and I wanted him in part because then I'd have "at least one normal cat." Yeah. If you saw the other two cats, Cataract and Socket, you'd understand...

So I've had these three cats for about seven years. I feel an absolute obligation to them. I feel tremendous guilt that I sort of don't want them. I hate that Hannibal ruins every new piece of fabric covered furniture I buy (the other two are fairly content with scratch posts). I hate that their hair is everywhere all the time. I hate that one or the other of them usually pukes at least three times per week, and that's with an expensive sensitive stomach cat food. I hate that I don't love them like I love Kobi. They're sweet cats, but they're... gross.

I've wondered what I'm going to do with them when I am pregnant. There's nobody else here to clean their litter box... will I have to wear gloves and a mask? What about their germy little paws everywhere? On the counters, on the table, on the furniture... My mom made the comment when she was just here, "If you keep these cats, you're going to have to have a playpen... you're not going to want your baby crawling around with all the furballs..." That was after having just swept and vacuumed the day before.

My thought(s)... Should I keep the cats? All of them or just one? How can I possibly think of getting rid of them? I love them. But I don't love them like I love Kobi. And I don't love their hair everywhere all the time, or the snags in the new sofa or the tufts out of the rugs. Maybe my heart is really very small and it only has room for a few things at a time... And boy, I sure have folks fooled--they think I'm a compassionate soul who'll make a great mom... but here I want to give away my babies. Is the only thing holding me back my guilt?

A very sad aside: I was preparing to leave the house at one point today when I heard a loud crunch/crack on the road and saw a lovely cattle dog twisting in the left lane of the three lane street in front of my house. I grabbed my phone and ran over to it, directing traffic around that lane. I couldn't figure out what number to dial--911? But it's not a human emergency. It's a poor dog who's likely going to die in the next few minutes... I have the county animal control number programmed in my phone, so I called that. I was in the queue as #19. Oh, god. None of the cars that passed slowed down, not even the cops. A lady walked by and I asked her to get my neighbor. #18. #16. The dog moaned. The dog spasmed and stretched strangely. I got closer. I talked to it. But I was afraid to touch it. I think it was a her. It was horrible, truly horrible. And then after about 10 minutes post accident, she died. My neighbor came out and dialed 911. They'd been notified, probably by one of the cops that drove by. The dog was dead. I cried. And then I went on my way. She'd been removed by the time I got back about an hour later.

Now: Hannibal is on my lap. He keeps trying to suck my wrist. A habit he's never stopped. I can hear Cataract's rhythmic breathing from the pillow bed behind me. Socket (she has one eye, and one empty socket) is probably laying on an arm of the couch from which I chase her away every few hours. And Kobi is in my bedroom, on my bed, waiting for me to come in and turn the light out. I think it's that time... my heart hurts a little, and I need to snuggle my bubby-dog.


UPDATE on cattle dog 11/14 5:21pm: I was just approached by a young gal with a poster that asked me if I'd seen a border collie... I stupidly blurted out that it had been hit by a car yesterday. She lost it. Oh-my-god. Poor dear. A couple minutes into it I thought, "shit, what if it was a different dog?" The photo on her poster was very poor, but I could make out his angular face. I asked about the coloring. I did my best to comfort her, hold her as she sobbed. I was able to tell her that he didn't suffer "too" long, but that he did die and that he was taken away. He. ...excuse me while I go hug Kobi for the 52nd time today...

Countdown to My First Artificial Insemination - The Gear, The Timing

My shipment is set to arrive Nov. 20. I'm not sure if I'm clear about my ovulation day, but my charts appears to point at cycle day 15 (CD 15). That puts my ovulation day on Thanksgiving. I'm getting three vials of donor sperm, and I'm temperature charting, using a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, using an OV Watch and using ovulation predictor kit (OPK) test strips. That's right. I want to nail it.

Much of the literature, and the good ladies at the NW Cryo and Fertility Friend chat forums, say you should "baby dance" (you figure it out) every other day during the five days leading up to ovulation, the most fertile days. Thawed frozen sperm has less viability than fresh sperm, which must be considered. When doing AI with thawed frozen sperm, you need to be more precise. If you are able to more accurately predict the day of ovulation by picking up your luteinizing hormone (LH), you should attempt insemination at 12, 24 and 36 hours past the surge. Ovulation, or egg release, normally occurs within 24 to 48 hours after the surge. And the egg only survives as few as six or as many as 24 hours.

With all of these variables, and because I haven't yet caught my LH surge (only one previous month of OPKs and this is my first month with the monitors), I am thinking I will initially look for high fertility signs on my monitors and charting, including the most fertile cervical mucus with the eggwhite consistency (EWCM). (Can you believe that until I started researching "how" to get pregnant, I had no idea why my cervical mucus changed from day to day, week to week or how it coincided with ovulation... no idea... It's amazing what you DON'T learn in school!) Once I have a high sign and a couple days of EWCM, I think I'll do my first AI. Both the OV Watch and Monitor are suppose to give me a five day lead up to my "peak" fertility, so the first AI will likely fall around the 4th day into it. Then me hopes these gadgets WILL pick up my surge and I'll do an AI at 12 hours and another at 24. If no surge is detected, I'll do my second AI on the night of CD 14 and the final first thing on CD 15. I'll continue to check for the LH surge using all methods just so I know for future reference. But I don't want to miss it. At least that's the plan for now... Plans change, though, the more I learn about the process and the more I learn about my body. In fact I've already edited this post based on feedback from "I want to be a mommy" Michell. Thanks, Michell!

Next: More Countdown

How to Pick a Donor

After looking through the Fertility Plus list of sperm banks, clicking links, checking prices and policies, I picked NW Andrology & Cryobank as my sperm bank. That was after falling in love with one particular Greek musician donor on a different site... Oh, well.

I downloaded the forms and printed them out at the office (and made sure I was right there to get them off the printer). I also went through the online donor list and saved the profiles of a dozen donors (I still want to call them "men," but need to keep it clinical). Of those, I printed eight and quickly escorted them off the printer at the office. Once home, I excitedly filled out the paperwork all the way to the page where you fill in your top four donors. Hmmm...

I read through the profiles again. And again. Several of them seemed so young. The handwriting immature. Their answers to a list of questions either overtly self-involved, silly, too short or too long. But still, this was the final eight of the preliminary dozen. These were the ones that fit my unlisted criteria. Basically, these were the ones I didn't say, "no, absolutely not" to. But how the hell do you decide, given a choice, who should father your child? You don't exactly get to pick and choose precisely what traits you want your child to have--you have to pick the combination of traits that are most acceptable given that you do have that choice. It's weird. Bizarre with two z's. Unfamiliar. But... you gotta choose.

Health, of course, is part of it. Not "too much" cancer. Not "too much" heart disease. No suicide. Orthodontia? Corrective lenses? No biggie. But at the same time, I have the opportunity to do the best I can "genetically" for my child. And then there's just the "feeling" I got from the different donors. Their "vibes."

Okay, so eight profiles. Read over and over. Making a choice, or top four choices, seemed overwhelming at that moment. Really very overwhelming. So I called a girlfriend. I thought maybe I could just talk some of it through with her. But I got her voicemail. Sheesh. I could wait. Or I could do it alone. Like this whole thing. My responsibility. SO! I had to decide what my criteria was besides a good vibe.

1)curly or wavy brown or black hair
2)willing to meet a legal aged child
3)other things that stand out

The notes on what ended up as my #1 choice:
1)curly/wavy brown hair
2)meet - yes
3)artistic, active, outdoors, thoughtful

#2:
1)curly/wavy black hair
2)meet - no
(he was #2 specifically because of his hair and middle eastern/mediterranean descent, and the fact that "success has been already reported with the use of frozen specimens")

#3:
1)brown/curly - YES!
2)meet - no
3)outdoors, arts

#4:
1)not curly
2)meet - yes
3)wants to help make the world a better place
(I also liked his olive complexion... and was willing to accept non-curly/wavy hair because the guy, errr... donor... seemed to think in terms of a world outside himself, which is very appealing to me)

A couple others seemed like strong candidates: curly hair, interest in the world and anthropology, successful pregnancies... but mentions in their profiles like "Go Sox!" and "I love NASCAR!" made it easy for me to label them with a nice neat "No" in the upper right hand corner of the profile printout. It became easier to eliminate four. Then the prioritizing got easier.

As I thought about it, it became more important to me that my child be able to contact the donor if he/she wanted to. But I was willing to settle for curly brown hair instead if my top choice, "willing to meet," was unavailable. I lucked out, though, and my top choice, an intelligent 6'5" German, English, Italian, French, Iroquois, 195#, brown wavy hair, brown eyes, willing to meet legal aged child, Donor #340, was available. Bonus excellent vision, good hearing and excellent dentition. Paired with my own muttdom including 1/64th Iroquois, and my 6'2" 170# (or 190), dark blond, and hazel eyes should make for an impressively sturdy human.

1, 2, 3, 4... my choices were labeled, I filled in the last piece of paperwork/application, and prepared to mail it to NW Cryo the next day. I would find out within the week that my application was accepted, that I didn't need to make any deposits, and that my #1 donor choice was available. I bought nine vials, put six in storage and scheduled three to ship to arrive on November 20 (only nine days away now!).

I did it. I decided my arbitrary criteria based primarily on a dream of a little boy with curly brown hair and the idea that a child should know their genetic history if they have that chance or choice. I listened to my gut, looked past the "lactose intolerance," and embraced the weirdness that is this process of picking a donor, fully aware that I would likely have to go through this process a couple more times before I actually get pregnant.

Next: Countdown to my first AI

Another Morphine Patch, Please

Kobi's home and doin' better. Gosh, I was so sad and scared when I saw him about an hour post-op. His eyes were slack (looked a bit like a hound dog), and the blood. Eewww! He's got a bad tummy since he's been home. Thrown up... hmmmm... 7? 8 times? Been hooked up to an IV and not much interested in further fluids. Whines, wimpers. But better. I'll be sleeping on the floor with him tonight so my visiting mom can get some rest. I'll know more about the cancer (margins and grade) in about 10 days.

Thanks all for the well wishes and virtual hugs. I'll give him kisses from each of you tonight!

November 12 update:
Took the morphine patches off this morning as instructed and gave Kobi his pain pills. Normally I can just shove pills into the back of his throat, but I can't force his mouth open for a couple more weeks. He lucks out and gets the meatball treat. I can't believe how bad his breath is!! I do try to lavage his mouth with water after he eats, but he really fights it. I can't get over how he has no idea why this was done to him. I believe the surgery was in his best interest (and mine), but I saw the CT scan of his head. I know how big (or small) his brain is... He has no understanding of why part of his mouth was removed. Poor baby...

Kobi's out of surgery - WARNING: CONTAINS GRAPHIC MATERIAL

My boy had surgery today to remove cancer from the roof of his mouth. The cancer had invaded the bone and into the nasal cavity somewhat, but it was confined to a small area. The surgeon removed four teeth and used some of his "left over" gum to seal up the hole to his nasal cavity. There were no complications or problems. I got to visit him briefly after the surgery. He looked horrible: eyes slack, blood dripping from his nose and mouth. He was on a morphine drip, so hopefully not in too much pain. I should be able to bring him home tomorrow. And then, I guess, we'll see how it goes. With any luck, that should be it. He just needs to heal and get back to living his sweet life. I've got to admit, though, this all scares the crap out of me... my poor baby.

Out of Order

Just a quick note -
I ovulated this month! I wasn't sure. I mean I sorta was sure I did, but the ovulation prediction kit (OPK) that I just started using this month never registered a positive. And seeings as I placed an order for 3 vials of sperm to arrive November 20th, I was getting really nervous that maybe I should cancel it. I have a friend that's an ObGyn who agreed to help me out with questions along the way. She suggested I get a blood test yesterday to confirm ovulation. I just got a call from her about 1/2 hour ago confirming it. Yay! Now it's just nailing down that date!

2nd thing... or series of things... Monday Kobi and I visited an oncologist to go over treatment options for his multilobular osteochondrosarcoma of the left maxilla (a tumor on the roof of his mouth). The x-ray showed that the cancer had not metasticized to his lungs. Today I took him for a CT scan of his head to determine the extent of the cancer and to hopefully guide the surgeon on the margins needed to completely removed the cancer. I was given a disk to take to the vet next Monday. I looked at it--of course--but am not really sure what I was looking at. I could tell a difference between the left and right sides at about the region of the tumor, but I won't really know anything until Monday.

Sweet thoughts for Kobi!

Your shovel or mine

I was actually a little surprised to hear that my boyfriend needed to think about whether or not he would be willing to get me pregnant. I really assumed the answer would be "HELL no." Maybe this was a front... he needed to act sympathetic and thoughtful so I wouldn't think he was a total ass.

Maybe I didn't make it clear that by the time I asked him if he was in or out, I really had decided it would be a clusterf*ck if we moved forward with him as father. You've got to understand--he's been going through a miserable custody and child support battle with his ex- for the past four years. I doubt he'll ever trust another woman again. And his little girl is his life. Which is very sweet. But there's really no room for anything else. Just the battle and his baby and a little work to pay the bills on the side. Me and my stuff are way down on the list of priorities.

So him as "father" would really be putting my future with that baby at risk. Even if we came to all sorts of legal agreements up front, I've seen him with his ex- (he refers to her as psychobitch) and I don't ever want to be in that position with him. And him as "donor," doesn't matter. Same thing.

And now maybe you're wondering why I asked him in the first place. Why didn't I just tell him I was going to start trying to get pregnant with donor sperm?

I love him. And I just didn't for a second think he would be willing to take part in this with me. I figured that I was essentially breaking up with him -- or rather giving him the perfect out to break up with me. We were only seeing each other once a week or less. It would be really great if he would step up and just break up with me.

But he didn't.

We didn't speak for nearly two weeks. And for two weeks I assumed I was "single" again. Seemed strange not to know that for certain, and dammit, he really should just face me on this thing. Finally I called him. And he was... amazing. He told me how many times this story came at him from different angles. NPR did something on donor sperm pregnancies. Some other evening news program did a story. He talked to his best friend about it. He talked to his brother about it. He agonized. And he decided he could not be a father again right now. He wants to father another child, but he just can't right now.

And I can't wait. I am terrified to wait. And he says he understands that.

So the big breakup, a tender breakup, was about to happen. Except that it didn't. He still wants to date me. He still wants to go through this process with me. And he wants no responsibility whatsoever. (Did I just kill the mood there?)

We're still together. We still see each other once or sometimes twice a week now. We talk on the phone another one or two times a week. And the parts that I let him in on--lately the frustration with finances (I'm bleeding cash), my Kobi the cancer dog, my tremendous fears about not being able to get pregnant--he is tender and patient with.

But this is all new. How much of this trip DO I share with him? Do I let him help me pick the donor? Thought that would be funny to show up with my manila folder full of printouts... But not really funny.

The ultimate responsibility is mine. My responsibility to this child I hope to create.

Next: How to pick a donor!

Step two - ignore step one and dig in

By February 2006 (aka Kobi Bloatadrama) I knew the stars weren't aligning on their own and I was just going to have to make a decision on more than a few fronts. Money... somehow or other it was going to work out. My job is as stable as any, so I'd just keep pluggin' away. Body... no biggie at that point; on a good track. A daddy. Yeah. I'd held out and held out and, well, it was time to find a donor. But known? Unknown?

I have friends, a lesbian couple, who used a known donor who actually participates as the father. (They'd told me years ago they could hook me up with a gay sugar-daddy, but I was still hoping for an intimate, romantic partner father-type.) Another woman I know of contracted out for a donor with some very clear stipulations: chromosome and STD tests and would always be available for contact by a third party (as required also of the birth mother). The fee was set and a friend did all of the liaison work and continues as the third party contact and keeper of the addresses and phone numbers.

Then there's always the idea of finding a friend who would be willing to come through for me (pun intended). I have friends. Male friends. But I love them and value their friendship and really didn't want to make things weird. They wouldn't necessarily have to be weird. But yeah. They probably would be.

My sister has a lovely friend who said he'd do it, no questions, no ties. And damn I'm tempted. But he lives in another state, and we'd have big-time timing and shipping issues. Seemed a sperm bank was going to be my best bet. Safe. Reliable. Straight-forward relationship. I did a few google searches for sperm banks and came up with a couple good lists (this FertilityPlus site looked particularly thorough). And started to let it all sink in.

But then there was my boyfriend. Yeah. We broke up a couple years ago because he wasn't in a good space for a relationship. But then in March 2006 we started dating again. Huh. Another option maybe? The boyfriend? He seemed to be in a better space (what does that mean??!), and everything, even after two full years, felt really right again. And, but, so in April I let him know what I'd been planning, and pretty well laid down a scenario for him: "I'd like to start trying to get pregnant in a few months. Not sure where you or 'we' will be at that point, but I'm not necessarily going to let that get in my way, either. If it's not by you, it will be by donor sperm. I guess you can decide now or wait and see how you feel about it then... just not sure how into dating me you're gonna be when I'm pregnant or trying to get pregnant by somebody else."

Once that cat was out of the bag - to which he barely flinched, by the way - I started to think, hell, maybe I could pay him to get me pregnant. A few thousand bucks. A down payment and final payment on conception... no, what if I miscarried. Okay, final payment after birth. No, by that point it's my problem and he's gone through some emotions and planning of uses for the funds as well. Okay, final payment after first term. Golden - makes great sense. Could save me a bunch of money depending on how long it takes me to get pregnant. I am "of an advanced age," or so I hear. (Man, that's a TOUGH one to let sink in!) But then again, how STUPID! I'm going to pay my boyfriend to get me pregnant? What a rat-infested hell-hole that would turn out to be. Yeah... No.

So we should just wait and see how it/we/this turned out. Let a few months pass, keep planning, moving forward, and when I get to the point of "well, what's it gonna be?", ask. So in early September we got there. And I asked. I told him I planned to start trying to get pregnant in November. Was he in or out?

He needed to think about it.

Next: Your shovel or mine

Step one - make a list of steps

Okay, so you want to have a baby...

I'm not sure how many babies born in this world actually start with a plan, but this was going to take a concerted effort on my part, so a plan was absolutely necessary.

I started with the idea that yes, I absolutely must have a child, so what's next? I knew I wanted to get my debts paid down... they were only around $4000, so I knew it wouldn't take me too long. (Turns out I don't know much. But more about that later.) I also wanted to get my body baby-ready. I was fit, but was on a couple medications that aren't good for the fetus, so needed to wean myself off of those. And then there's the prenatal vitamins with folic acid. The drinking more water, alkalinizing the system, detoxing massage, etc., etc.--some of it more expensive than others, which cuts into the paying off debt.

So, pay off debts and get the body baby-ready. Pretty short list. I rent a house--I'd rather own, but that wasn't going to happen soon enough. I have a great low-paying but flexible and meaningful job that I've held for more than 5 years, so that's cool. I've got a super dog, Kobi, that should do fabulous with a baby. Really pretty well set. Oh. Except the sperm.

I so wanted and believed I needed a partner to go with me on this trip. I'd had a boyfriend that I really thought would be it about 3 1/2 years ago, but he wasn't in the right space for it. So we split and I set out to figure this out for myself. I'd say it was probably not until about 1 year ago that I decided I had to do this, and I chose to do it alone. And started the list.

Then in February 2006, my darling doggie got bloat (please click on the link if you don't know about bloat and have a large breed dog!) and had to have an emergency surgery to save his life that, well, doubled my debt. He did fabulously, though, and hasn't suffered any ill consequences. He's perfect! Well, except the cancer he was just diagnosed with a week ago.

So the debt never really has achieved that paid off status that I'd hoped for. Instead of the projected debt free date of June 2006 that I'd forecasted in November 2005, I thought maybe I would get there by October or November of 2006. But after a brake job, engine mount replacements, new tires, and full accounting of that trip to Ikea in October 2005, it soon became apparent that the best I could do was to settle for a paid down status. Which by the way hasn't materialized either. The pooch and I are facing another $3000 vet bill, and, well, sperm ain't free... if you want it when you want it with the desired traits you want and no fear of a future custody battle.

So ignore the debt criteria.

Then there's the baby-ready body. Like I said, I was fit. I was happy. I ate good foods.... Then my running partner, Kobi, had the emergency surgery and we stopped running and never really picked it up again. Fitness has declined. The foods became more comfort in nature. I DID start the prenatal vitamins in June. I DID go through a series of detoxifying massages. I'm afraid the longer I wait, the less baby-ready this body's gonna be...

So ignore the debt criteria AND my body's probably as baby ready as it's gonna get. I'm 42. Been 42 all year. There's no turning back the clock. It's now or likely never.

Next post: Step two - ignore step one and dig in

Drumroll...

The introduction: My name is Michelle, and I'm a single 42-year-old in Phoenix, Arizona who has decided to listen to that jangling biological clock alarm and hop to the business of getting pregnant.

It started with inklings on and off for the past couple decades. Glimmers of maybe... yeah... well, someday... Was married very young at 21, and was "too smart" and "too responsible" to let myself get pregnant. The marriage didn't stick past the first few years, but that "too smart" and "too responsible" hung on. I have dated and loved and even lived with men since my marriage ended--okay, lived with one man for 4 mos.--but the timing or circumstance was never right for a baby.

I love children. But I wasn't too sure about me with children. My younger sister has two lovely little lumpkinettes, 18 mos. and a month shy of 9 years, and they are my darling most darlings. I was a primary care-giver to my first niece and absolutely fell in love. I'm not remembering the exact timing--whether it was before or after niece #1 was born--but I had a dream that sealed the deal for me.

The dream was very simple. I sat on the edge of a standard white bathtub washing the back of my gorgeous dark curly-haired 2-year-old son. I LOVED this baby boy more than I have ever loved any other thing in the world in my life. It was an incredible feeling. And I woke up in tears. I knew that feeling must be what it is like to love your child. I knew I had to have that experience in my life. Now I'm set on having a child with dark, curly hair (not so picky about the boy or girl part).

I'm not so naive as to think that parents walk around in a haze of fabulous love for their children every moment of every day. Or necessarily even one moment per day. It's about more than that rush of love. It's everything about it. The responsibility. The development. The pride. The disappointment. The dramatic changes. The grueling stubbornness. It's everything about being a parent that I want to have. And now I want it now.

Next post: Step one - make a list of steps