Thursday, November 30, 2006

I Got Nothin'

Okay, my boobs are still sore and big, and they and my nipples hurt like crazy when I take my bra off at night. But other than that, nothin'. And I think the boob pain is more from sudden recent non-baby related weight gain than anything. My temperature has remained conspicuously low - still biphasic, but barely. By this time next week, I'll probably be back to tampons. Which reminds me, I need to order another sensor for my OV Watch... Prepare for another cycle.

And crap... I was just at the health food store where I bought more of my powdered greens and several teas. I THOUGHT I bought more green tea, some red raspberry tea, and nettle leaf tea. I opened them all up when I got home, put one of each tea bag in a large cup and poured the hot water. Yep. Went back out to refresh the water and noticed two of the boxes were the green tea, the other red raspberry. I apparently put the nettle leaf down and picked up a second green tea or some such nonsense... In any case, I've got green tea coming out my ears.

Kobi-bobi is happy with all the new treats he gets -- lots of pill-meatballs! He's on an antibiotic - four pills - to clear up any nasal infection that he might have (I'd mentioned his boogers in a previous post...) and the liquid bloodroot pill I have to make morning and night (injecting the liquid into a gelatin capsule and quickly burying it in a meatball). That's SIX meatballs a day! And his food moistened and enhanced with Chinese herbs. He is THRILLED with his new diet!! He's always followed me every time I go to the kitchen, but now his enthusiasm is unrelenting. When his appetite slows down, THEN I'll be really worried.

Otherwise, I'm just hanging in there. Contemplating asking my friend/doc to get more aggressive for future AI's, although the next one I'll be out of town--I can either wait and use the vials when I'm on some fertility drugs, or just go ahead and give it another shot without. I'm leaning towards going ahead at least one more time myself (while out of town at my family's house in Seattle!), then asking the doc to do IUIs the next couple times, and maybe fertility meds. I think I'm too old to drag this on too long. I also hate to do anything unnecessary, though. And financially, it all needs to be "smart" money spent.

So, yeah... the TWW is going great...

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Kobi-boo, maybe not so good as he seems

(blue is for blue) We had a three-week post-op follow-up visit with his oncologist today. The news was not so good, and I’m pretty torn up. He has an aggressive form of osteosarcoma, not the “MLO”-brand they thought it was originally. This has a high metasteses rate to the lungs, although there isn’t studies available on his maxillary variety. The mandibular variety has a 35% rate within 1 year, whereas the “long bone” osteosarcoma has a 95% rate. Not sure where his fits. Also, the margins of the tumor were incomplete, so there is some cancer tissue remaining in his mouth. It is expected the tumor will regrow.

Doc recommends chemo now, since it's a different type of cancer than she thought, to slow down tumor regrowth and metasteses. It would also increase his chance of survival from four to six months currently to one year, with a 25% chance of two years. Unfortunately, I really can't afford it. I’ve already spent more than $8K on his medical issues this year (or rather went that much further into debt). Breaks my heart, but I can’t see spending an additional $2K to $4K and only buying him another 6 mos. I am putting him on some Chinese herbs and vitamins, and will try to keep his immune system healthy.
This really, really sucks… But I’ll try to stay positive and make every day a good day for him. And for me.

As far as the TWW goes, it is slow and very, very painful. I have more movies to keep me busy. Good thing, cuz I don't seem to be letting work get in the way of my TWW thoughts... I could at least use a break in the evenings. But like I said, I think my focus may shift a bit more off of me and onto the Kobester. We'll just see how it goes.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Do my boobs look bigger to you?

Yeah. Breast tenderness right away. Sharp pains in the right breast around and below the nipple yesterday. And they feel fuller.

I've looked back at my charts and don't notice anything consistent in terms of breast tenderness, but did see that in August I had four straight days of tenderness, 6-9 DPO. That takes a little wind out of my sail, but still: Early pregnancy sign in this case?

Who knows... I'm only 3 DPO, so symptoms at this stage are unlikely, though not unheard of.

I AM trying to distract myself. Easiest way for me to lose myself is in movies. I watched two Friday night, two Saturday night, and I expect to go to Blockbuster in the next hour or so to pick up two more. My dishes are clean and I've done one load of laundry so far. Three to go. Brushed Kobi-dog--who is doing very well, by the way! He has his three-week post-op appointment on Wednesday, and everything seems like it's healing. He does get big crusty boogers out of his left nostril, though. That was the side where they had to infiltrate the nasal cavity.

That's pretty much it. Except I've fallen in love with my anonymous sperm donor. I had a very good vibe about him when I did the selection. I followed up recently--guess I got a little bit curious and sentimental--and ordered the long profile. This gives a little more family medical history and more Q&A. Although his handwriting is a little difficult to read, I found that somewhat reassuring. He's obviously thoughtful and intelligent. He has a BFA (ceramics, sculpture, art education and art history) and a K-12 teaching certificate. The big attraction, besides his being 6'5", trim and active outdoors, including rock climbing, artistic, musical (plays a full drum kit) and that he's particularly attuned to nature, is that he's considering getting a degree in environmental sciences. Yep. And I am 6'2", sometimes trim and active outdoors, used to love rock climbing, a great appreciator of art, once sung in a band and studied music, lover of nature and an environmental activist. Seems like a perfect match!!

Except that I'm probably old enough to be his mother. Which is also kind of sexy at the same time. He seems particularly mature for his age...

So, I find myself a little jealous and protective of this donor's sperm (forcing myself to get less personal - he's not a "he," he's a "donor"). I originally bought nine vials and put six in storage. But what if that's not enough? What if I need more and they're out of his? I don't want anyone else to use him... errrr, this donor. Not until I've got my baby with his... this donor's traits!

I'm exaggerating some. The sperm bank is a service open to all women who qualify. We are all seeking that same thing: a healthy pregnancy, complication-free child-birth and beautiful, healthy baby. Of course I wouldn't deny anyone else the opportunity to use this donor. But wouldn't it be great if I could get pregnant and have his... this donor's baby? A donor I might actually date in the real world if he was about 10 years older? He's an even better fit than the 5'11" Greek musician who wants to make the world a better place! ...the one I fell in love with the first time I started looking at donor profiles at another bank.

Okay... I need to watch movies so I can stop thinking about silly stuff like this! It's probably a good thing that tomorrow is Monday.

Friday, November 24, 2006

1 DPO

Yes, it's one day past ovulation (1 DPO) and the two week wait (TWW) has started. I'm hoping like crazy that these two beautiful gametes--my egg and one of the donor's handsome professional swimmers-- have met and the two became one beautiful zygote. Let the cell division begin!

Yeah, this is going to be a long two weeks...

I've got to thank everybody who has sent me well wishes, from all the gals on the NW board, my family in the NW, and anyone else who just happened by. I also have a very supportive network of friends who have all just been lovely!!

As for the actual inseminations, I won't go into graphic detail, but I will say that there's definitely a learning curve with handling all of these new gadgets and storage equipment. I would say my last of the three was the one I was least happy with, but I think it was an earlier one that was needed to do the trick anyway, so...

In 5-10 days (I've read 5-7 and 7-10), the cluster of cells, or blastula, if it has formed, will need to implant into my endometrium in order for a healthy pregnancy to begin. I'm ready!!

On a more personal note (MORE personal than my uterus?), I plan to have a lovely evening of Thanksgiving holiday movie watching with a girlfriend. On the queue, Pieces of April and Home for the Holidays. Pizza, popcorn and sparkling cider are on the menu. Should be LOTS of fun!!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

It's Fa-sci-na-tion... with In-se-mi-na-tion!

Alright. After some--okay, much--stress and worry (DHL was suppose to deliver my swimmers on Monday, but didn't bother themselves with it) I received my golden vials of sperm today. I'm so relieved! And excited!! BUT, now my new obsession... oh, first yesterday's obsession: refreshing the DHL tracking webpage every 20 minutes or less to see if there was any new news on my package. My NOW obsession is trying to figure out precisely when I'm suppose to inseminate! I mean this is important!! I'm trying to map it all out so I'm not left with three vials of sperm goin', "Where's the peak?!"

Today was my CD 13. I normally ovulate on CD 15. The OV Watch confirms I'll ovulate two days from now, Thanksgiving, by saying today is Fertile Day 3. An anonymous commenter to this blog quoted literature available on the OV Watch website that says that intra-uterine inseminations (IUI) should be performed on Fertile Day 3 or 4. I'll be doing an intra-cervical insemination (ICI), but I'm sure the guideline here is probably basically the same.

Now what would make me PERFECTLY happy would be to see a positive on an OPK test tomorrow. And even a PEAK on the fertility monitor. My trifecta.

I'm already expecting that not to happen, though, because I haven't seen it yet. Given that I will likely ovulate on CD 15, Thanksgiving, and that I SHOULD have a luteinizing hormone (LH) surge tomorrow whether or not any monitoring device picks it up (even though I'm not on clomid or any fertility drugs), I am really tempted to inseminate at about 6pm tomorrow, 6am on Thanksgiving and again at 6pm. That way if I ovulate at ANY time on Tofurkey Day, midnight to midnight, I'll have swimmers there waiting.

And, if the peak shows up on T-Day, I can just hold that last insemination off a few hours. Or maybe just do midnight, noon and midnight... AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Okay, I'm just gonna put it out there: Please, God, let me surge tomorrow! Let me register a surge tomorrow!... I WILL... I WILL get a + OPK tomorrow!

I can't WAIT to play with the little vials. It seems just crazy to be handling some unknown donor's sperm. But I guess until we can create synthetic sperm...

...and, well, it's probably best if that day never comes.

Update 11/22: No Trifecta
1) BBT still low, slight dip today; 2) fertility monitor "high," but no surge LH detected; 3) OPK+ !!!!! I'm guessing that my surge was after or just not readable at 6am when I use the monitor. I got a positive OPK at 1:30pm!

So now what? I am going to a hockey game tonight with my boyfriend. I think I'll do the first AI when I get home, between 11 & 12. Then noon and midnight Thanksgiving. Yay!!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Chelle's Own Tofurkey Recipe

I have created my own variation from a couple recipes I pulled off the web a few years ago. I can even get an 8 year old to eat it, and she often says at various times throughout the year how much she likes it (or maybe she just misses me...).

Note that you don't want to overdo tofu or other soy products when attempting to conceive. A couple servings per day should prove more healthful than not consuming any, but you definitely don't want to get too carried away. My online research showed that 60 grams of soy protein consumed daily for two months could lengthen a woman's cycle by two days. However cultures that consume tofu and soy products on a regular basis do not show lowered fertility rates. As the fertility window for women trying to conceive is so precious, moderation is advised.


"Sausage Stuffing" Stuffed Tofu Turkey

Tofurkey:
3 lbs extra firm tofu, crumbled and molded into a colander lined with cheese cloth. I weight the tofu down with a 5# weight on top of a plate small enough to just fit inside the colander, placed in the refrigerator over night over a bowl to catch drippings

1/2 c. sesame oil
1/4 c. tamari
2 tablespoons vegetable bullion paste (OR miso)
2 tbsp orange juice concentrate
1 tsp honey mustard
Sprinkle of hand ground thyme, rosemary and sage


Stuffing:
1/2 package Gimme Lean brand meatless sausage
1/2 c. minced onion
1/2 c. finely chopped celery
1 c. chopped mushrooms
2 cloves minced garlic
2 tbsp sesame oil
2 tbsp vegetable broth
1 1/2 tsp rosemary
2 tsp thyme
2 tsp sage
1/8 tsp pepper
3 c. plain small bread cubes

Prepare 1 c. vegetable broth (I prefer a bullion paste, the brand escapes me, but I'll edit this as soon as I go to the store and buy more!). You'll use 2 tbsp to start, and then add the rest later. Saute onion and celery in sesame oil and 2 tbsp vegetable broth until soft. Add mushrooms and garlic. Crumble in sausage and brown, chopping into smaller pieces as it cooks. Also add rosemary, thyme, sage and pepper. Once "sausage" is fully browned, mix in the bread cubes and the rest of the broth. Remove from heat and cover.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease a cookie sheet.

Combine 1/2 c. sesame oil, 1/4 c. tamari, 2 tablespoons vegetable bullion paste (OR miso), 2 tbsp orange juice concentrate, 1 tsp honey mustard, and a sprinkle of hand ground thyme, rosemary and sage in a small bowl.

Hollow out tofu to an inch lining the colander. Brush the inside of the tofu lining with the tamari mixture, and stuff with the stuffing. Use the scooped out tofu to cover the stuffing, pressing firmly. Place this flat side down on the cookie sheet and press gently on sides to form a more oval shape (if desired). Brush with 1/2 of the tamari mixture and cover with foil.

Bake for 1 hour, remove foil, baste with tamari mixture (save about 4 tbsp), and bake for another hour or until brown. Brush with remaining tamari and serve hot.

Hope you enjoy!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Two Tofurkey or Not Two Tofurkey

1) My OV Watch showed "fertile day one" today! It's suppose to do a four day countdown to the LH surge based on changes in the sodium chloride ions secreted in the wearer's perspiration. (The LH surge comes four days after the sodium chloride surge ends.) My CBEFM still registered low today. I do see a faint, faint second line on the stick hours after the test, which hasn't been there on previous days, so I think it's/I'm gearing up, even if the monitor didn't read it. According to the OV Watch, which solely reads the sodium chloride surge, my LH surge will be on CD 15, and I'll ovulate between CD 15 and CD 16. I'll likely be AI'ing Thanksgiving Day, 6am, 6pm and 6am Friday. (Which means I might be heading home early from a Thanksgiving potluck or staying home with my tofurkey [see separate post for recipe]). I HOPE the CBEFM confirms! And yes, I'm so obsessive I WILL be testing with OPK pee sticks on CD 14, 15 and 16 as necessary to try to triple confirm.

I MIGHT COULD USE SOME ADVICE ON TIMING FROM THE EXPERIENCED OUT THERE... if ovulation occurs 12-36 hours after the surge (and I've also read 24-48 hours after)... if my surge occurs at midnight or earlier on Wednesday, and I don't get a reading of that surge until Thursday, it would seem I should AI immediately, particularly if my egg is one that is only viable for 6 hours, so the sperm has time to get where it needs to go.


2) My boyfriend is around this year rather than in Colorado with family (he's there now instead), and we thought we'd spend Thanksgiving together, even if that meant going to a potluck, which I usually do (but again, not sure if I'll do that or stay home). He's not really a part of this conception goal I have - he supports what I'm doing, but doesn't want to be a father again yet (he has a young daughter), and isn't the right father at this point in time for my child.

It is what it is, but I'm wondering how awkward it's going to be to AI and enjoy Thanksgiving with him, or if we should just take a pass this year. I guess I'll ask him Wednesday night at (or after) the hockey game... Honestly, though, he wouldn't eat the tofurkey in any case.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Defying Logic (and, hopefully, odds)

How weird is it to do something because you know you have to go through the paces... pay your dues, so to speak... and besides, well, maybe it will work.

I have a shipment of three vials of "swimmers" arriving on Monday for my first AI. I'm very conscious of the costs, so yeah, it's nearly $750 with shipping, etc. And there's the monitors and test kits and instead cups and... It adds up! And I have to do this knowing that it is very unlikely that I will get pregnant this round. Or the next. Or the one after that... But there's a chance. A small, like 10% chance, that I will get pregnant. But it won't happen if I don't try, obviously, so down this road I go.

I am pretty freakin' excited about it, too! I'll go with these horrible odds, kiss the dice and roll!!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Loose Lips

Strange who knows I'm TTC'ing (trying to conceive), and who doesn't. And why.

I have a somewhat casual friend, former neighbor, an artist who I recently bought two pieces from (photos)... she knows. She hugged me so hard tonight when I went to pick up the second photo. She wanted me to be sure and tell her what happens after my first AI. She's married and starting to feel closer to ready to start a family. Now. Maybe a couple months from now. But soon. I LIKE her. But we don't really know each other well.

My dear, DEAR friend Mel knows. But she didn't find out until very recently because she'd been so busy we never had a chance to talk. It pained me that she didn't know I'd made such a life changing decision. We talked on the phone a couple times and I suggested we would get together, but then it fell through. Finally I had to just blurt it out. "I'M GOING TO BUY SPERM AND GET MYSELF PREGNANT... I HOPE..."

Another dear friend knows and has from the start. My parents and my sister know because I'm incredibly close with all of them. We're practically enmeshed, except we only talk about once a week and 1500 miles separate us. I told my dad last, but still he's known since August.

My boyfriend knows. And as I stated in an earlier post, he's not interested in contributing. But he's also not interested in breaking up. Somebody else I only talk to about once a week, but only 12 miles separate us.

My boss (or one of them) knows. We rode in the car together for a couple hours. He has two young ones, and he's about 10 years older than I am. His wife is my age. Both of her pregnancies were supposedly accidents. Two boys, five years and nearly one. Our work is pretty intense, and I felt like I needed him to know. To "get" where I am in my life. Huh...

And one other person at work knows. Someone from another office. We slept with the same guy... me nearly four years ago, her about a year ago. Suddenly she and I were intimate friends because of it (LONG, long story). So we know a little more about one another than, well, maybe we should.

I won't tell other people at work until there's no denying it I suppose. Some people at work would be supportive, I'm sure. Others will have attitude. It's an environmental organization. Several staff think humans have bred quite enough thank you. And in many ways I agree... our individual & collective "footprints" are FAR bigger than the world can support. I'm very guilty of unnecessary material consumption. But I have to have hope for our collective futures. I have to have hope that we will address global warming. I have to have hope that we will protect our last flowing rivers, last old growth forests, last intact grasslands and deserts... And I have to believe that it's about the future and a healthy planet, but it's also about love and family.

Of course there's no reason I should tell people I work with until I'm actually pregnant. And there may well be some judgments - that I'm single, that I'm a breeder. But there's also no reason I should have to explain myself.

Speaking of that. Only one person so far has asked me "why" I want to have a baby at this point. And that was my doctor. My GP. I was taken aback. "Well... because it was never time before. Now it's time. I want this more than anything else." He didn't really need or require an explanation, and my short answer was enough to turn the conversation to his own recent fatherhood. His wife nearly died. And she's a doctor--a pediatrician. Maybe that's why he asked me why. They're younger than I am. Maybe he was worried about me. I asked him if I should worry about my health or complications. I have a heart condition (or two). He said I should be fine. And he's looking forward to knowing how things work out for me.

I don't think anybody else needs to know at this point. Not anyone I'm planning on telling but haven't yet. Several people I don't want to mention it to... and have had to catch myself. I'm looking forward to a big belly being the only announcement I need.

But the artist friend tonight asked me when we were going to have a fertility party... Maybe when I need to raise funds for an AI.

Monday, November 13, 2006

More Countdown (or Inescapable Mind Meanderings and Ruthless Ramblings)

Okay, so this isn't really countdown news... But I've had some globby little thoughts lately I need to air.

I have three cats in addition to my bubby-dog, Kobi. These three cats are rescue cats. Cats picked up off the street or out of a dumpster, cats found with eye infections and that cannibalized their siblings (okay, only Hannibal did that). They're healthy now. They're sorta cute. And I love them. But have you noticed this is the first you've heard of them?

When I moved to Phoenix in 1999, I noticed an incredible abundance of feral cats unlike I'd ever seen in Portland, OR or any other town we'd ever lived in growing up. Almost like locusts these cats. And, seeings as nobody else was doing anything about all these cats, I took it upon myself to try to fix the problem. In about three months, I got 38 cats and kittens neutered or spayed, and many of them adopted out. (Of course that wasn't even a tiny dent in the thousands in downtown Phoenix and the hundreds of thousands or millions in Maricopa County.) I only kept three of them, one of which eventually slipped out a door and never came back (although I did see her around the block, but she looked happier and even healthier than she did when she lived with me - thinner). But in those few months I became so exhaustingly sick of cats. I'd ended up on a couple cat rescue phone lists, and people from all over the Valley would call me at all hours when they needed help catching, fixing, adopting out cats... this happened for a few years after I wanted nothing more to do with cats. I'd been bitten and had infections. I'd spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on vet bills and food and cat litter.

I quit my thankless cat rescuing ways. But then a neighbor came by with a box of kittens pulled from a dumpster. I can't remember now if it was six or seven kittens, but they were tiny--days old if that. Although one of the little guys was a little bigger than the rest, so I wasn't sure if he was really from the same litter or not. I cleaned them up and got the baby kitty formula from PetSmart, a couple syringes (they always worked better for me than the bottles), blankets and a plushy toy they could snuggle. I found that whenever I would leave them alone and come back, Hannibal would be suckling on some body part or other of another kitten... an ear, an eye or nose, an umbilical/button... the genitals... and the part would be at least three or four times swollen its normal size. Poor boogers. I separated them. But after a few days, only Hannibal and a little girl were left. (Day-old kittens with no mamas to nurse them have very high mortality rates. I think keeping 1/3 of them alive was pretty amazing given their condition!) I kept them for a few weeks, and finally decided I would keep him and give the girl, later named Heidi, to a neighbor. He was my third cat--a replacement cat for the one that ran away, and I wanted him in part because then I'd have "at least one normal cat." Yeah. If you saw the other two cats, Cataract and Socket, you'd understand...

So I've had these three cats for about seven years. I feel an absolute obligation to them. I feel tremendous guilt that I sort of don't want them. I hate that Hannibal ruins every new piece of fabric covered furniture I buy (the other two are fairly content with scratch posts). I hate that their hair is everywhere all the time. I hate that one or the other of them usually pukes at least three times per week, and that's with an expensive sensitive stomach cat food. I hate that I don't love them like I love Kobi. They're sweet cats, but they're... gross.

I've wondered what I'm going to do with them when I am pregnant. There's nobody else here to clean their litter box... will I have to wear gloves and a mask? What about their germy little paws everywhere? On the counters, on the table, on the furniture... My mom made the comment when she was just here, "If you keep these cats, you're going to have to have a playpen... you're not going to want your baby crawling around with all the furballs..." That was after having just swept and vacuumed the day before.

My thought(s)... Should I keep the cats? All of them or just one? How can I possibly think of getting rid of them? I love them. But I don't love them like I love Kobi. And I don't love their hair everywhere all the time, or the snags in the new sofa or the tufts out of the rugs. Maybe my heart is really very small and it only has room for a few things at a time... And boy, I sure have folks fooled--they think I'm a compassionate soul who'll make a great mom... but here I want to give away my babies. Is the only thing holding me back my guilt?

A very sad aside: I was preparing to leave the house at one point today when I heard a loud crunch/crack on the road and saw a lovely cattle dog twisting in the left lane of the three lane street in front of my house. I grabbed my phone and ran over to it, directing traffic around that lane. I couldn't figure out what number to dial--911? But it's not a human emergency. It's a poor dog who's likely going to die in the next few minutes... I have the county animal control number programmed in my phone, so I called that. I was in the queue as #19. Oh, god. None of the cars that passed slowed down, not even the cops. A lady walked by and I asked her to get my neighbor. #18. #16. The dog moaned. The dog spasmed and stretched strangely. I got closer. I talked to it. But I was afraid to touch it. I think it was a her. It was horrible, truly horrible. And then after about 10 minutes post accident, she died. My neighbor came out and dialed 911. They'd been notified, probably by one of the cops that drove by. The dog was dead. I cried. And then I went on my way. She'd been removed by the time I got back about an hour later.

Now: Hannibal is on my lap. He keeps trying to suck my wrist. A habit he's never stopped. I can hear Cataract's rhythmic breathing from the pillow bed behind me. Socket (she has one eye, and one empty socket) is probably laying on an arm of the couch from which I chase her away every few hours. And Kobi is in my bedroom, on my bed, waiting for me to come in and turn the light out. I think it's that time... my heart hurts a little, and I need to snuggle my bubby-dog.


UPDATE on cattle dog 11/14 5:21pm: I was just approached by a young gal with a poster that asked me if I'd seen a border collie... I stupidly blurted out that it had been hit by a car yesterday. She lost it. Oh-my-god. Poor dear. A couple minutes into it I thought, "shit, what if it was a different dog?" The photo on her poster was very poor, but I could make out his angular face. I asked about the coloring. I did my best to comfort her, hold her as she sobbed. I was able to tell her that he didn't suffer "too" long, but that he did die and that he was taken away. He. ...excuse me while I go hug Kobi for the 52nd time today...

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Countdown to My First Artificial Insemination - The Gear, The Timing

My shipment is set to arrive Nov. 20. I'm not sure if I'm clear about my ovulation day, but my charts appears to point at cycle day 15 (CD 15). That puts my ovulation day on Thanksgiving. I'm getting three vials of donor sperm, and I'm temperature charting, using a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, using an OV Watch and using ovulation predictor kit (OPK) test strips. That's right. I want to nail it.

Much of the literature, and the good ladies at the NW Cryo and Fertility Friend chat forums, say you should "baby dance" (you figure it out) every other day during the five days leading up to ovulation, the most fertile days. Thawed frozen sperm has less viability than fresh sperm, which must be considered. When doing AI with thawed frozen sperm, you need to be more precise. If you are able to more accurately predict the day of ovulation by picking up your luteinizing hormone (LH), you should attempt insemination at 12, 24 and 36 hours past the surge. Ovulation, or egg release, normally occurs within 24 to 48 hours after the surge. And the egg only survives as few as six or as many as 24 hours.

With all of these variables, and because I haven't yet caught my LH surge (only one previous month of OPKs and this is my first month with the monitors), I am thinking I will initially look for high fertility signs on my monitors and charting, including the most fertile cervical mucus with the eggwhite consistency (EWCM). (Can you believe that until I started researching "how" to get pregnant, I had no idea why my cervical mucus changed from day to day, week to week or how it coincided with ovulation... no idea... It's amazing what you DON'T learn in school!) Once I have a high sign and a couple days of EWCM, I think I'll do my first AI. Both the OV Watch and Monitor are suppose to give me a five day lead up to my "peak" fertility, so the first AI will likely fall around the 4th day into it. Then me hopes these gadgets WILL pick up my surge and I'll do an AI at 12 hours and another at 24. If no surge is detected, I'll do my second AI on the night of CD 14 and the final first thing on CD 15. I'll continue to check for the LH surge using all methods just so I know for future reference. But I don't want to miss it. At least that's the plan for now... Plans change, though, the more I learn about the process and the more I learn about my body. In fact I've already edited this post based on feedback from "I want to be a mommy" Michell. Thanks, Michell!

Next: More Countdown

Saturday, November 11, 2006

How to Pick a Donor

After looking through the Fertility Plus list of sperm banks, clicking links, checking prices and policies, I picked NW Andrology & Cryobank as my sperm bank. That was after falling in love with one particular Greek musician donor on a different site... Oh, well.

I downloaded the forms and printed them out at the office (and made sure I was right there to get them off the printer). I also went through the online donor list and saved the profiles of a dozen donors (I still want to call them "men," but need to keep it clinical). Of those, I printed eight and quickly escorted them off the printer at the office. Once home, I excitedly filled out the paperwork all the way to the page where you fill in your top four donors. Hmmm...

I read through the profiles again. And again. Several of them seemed so young. The handwriting immature. Their answers to a list of questions either overtly self-involved, silly, too short or too long. But still, this was the final eight of the preliminary dozen. These were the ones that fit my unlisted criteria. Basically, these were the ones I didn't say, "no, absolutely not" to. But how the hell do you decide, given a choice, who should father your child? You don't exactly get to pick and choose precisely what traits you want your child to have--you have to pick the combination of traits that are most acceptable given that you do have that choice. It's weird. Bizarre with two z's. Unfamiliar. But... you gotta choose.

Health, of course, is part of it. Not "too much" cancer. Not "too much" heart disease. No suicide. Orthodontia? Corrective lenses? No biggie. But at the same time, I have the opportunity to do the best I can "genetically" for my child. And then there's just the "feeling" I got from the different donors. Their "vibes."

Okay, so eight profiles. Read over and over. Making a choice, or top four choices, seemed overwhelming at that moment. Really very overwhelming. So I called a girlfriend. I thought maybe I could just talk some of it through with her. But I got her voicemail. Sheesh. I could wait. Or I could do it alone. Like this whole thing. My responsibility. SO! I had to decide what my criteria was besides a good vibe.

1)curly or wavy brown or black hair
2)willing to meet a legal aged child
3)other things that stand out

The notes on what ended up as my #1 choice:
1)curly/wavy brown hair
2)meet - yes
3)artistic, active, outdoors, thoughtful

#2:
1)curly/wavy black hair
2)meet - no
(he was #2 specifically because of his hair and middle eastern/mediterranean descent, and the fact that "success has been already reported with the use of frozen specimens")

#3:
1)brown/curly - YES!
2)meet - no
3)outdoors, arts

#4:
1)not curly
2)meet - yes
3)wants to help make the world a better place
(I also liked his olive complexion... and was willing to accept non-curly/wavy hair because the guy, errr... donor... seemed to think in terms of a world outside himself, which is very appealing to me)

A couple others seemed like strong candidates: curly hair, interest in the world and anthropology, successful pregnancies... but mentions in their profiles like "Go Sox!" and "I love NASCAR!" made it easy for me to label them with a nice neat "No" in the upper right hand corner of the profile printout. It became easier to eliminate four. Then the prioritizing got easier.

As I thought about it, it became more important to me that my child be able to contact the donor if he/she wanted to. But I was willing to settle for curly brown hair instead if my top choice, "willing to meet," was unavailable. I lucked out, though, and my top choice, an intelligent 6'5" German, English, Italian, French, Iroquois, 195#, brown wavy hair, brown eyes, willing to meet legal aged child, Donor #340, was available. Bonus excellent vision, good hearing and excellent dentition. Paired with my own muttdom including 1/64th Iroquois, and my 6'2" 170# (or 190), dark blond, and hazel eyes should make for an impressively sturdy human.

1, 2, 3, 4... my choices were labeled, I filled in the last piece of paperwork/application, and prepared to mail it to NW Cryo the next day. I would find out within the week that my application was accepted, that I didn't need to make any deposits, and that my #1 donor choice was available. I bought nine vials, put six in storage and scheduled three to ship to arrive on November 20 (only nine days away now!).

I did it. I decided my arbitrary criteria based primarily on a dream of a little boy with curly brown hair and the idea that a child should know their genetic history if they have that chance or choice. I listened to my gut, looked past the "lactose intolerance," and embraced the weirdness that is this process of picking a donor, fully aware that I would likely have to go through this process a couple more times before I actually get pregnant.

Next: Countdown to my first AI

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Another Morphine Patch, Please

Kobi's home and doin' better. Gosh, I was so sad and scared when I saw him about an hour post-op. His eyes were slack (looked a bit like a hound dog), and the blood. Eewww! He's got a bad tummy since he's been home. Thrown up... hmmmm... 7? 8 times? Been hooked up to an IV and not much interested in further fluids. Whines, wimpers. But better. I'll be sleeping on the floor with him tonight so my visiting mom can get some rest. I'll know more about the cancer (margins and grade) in about 10 days.

Thanks all for the well wishes and virtual hugs. I'll give him kisses from each of you tonight!

November 12 update:
Took the morphine patches off this morning as instructed and gave Kobi his pain pills. Normally I can just shove pills into the back of his throat, but I can't force his mouth open for a couple more weeks. He lucks out and gets the meatball treat. I can't believe how bad his breath is!! I do try to lavage his mouth with water after he eats, but he really fights it. I can't get over how he has no idea why this was done to him. I believe the surgery was in his best interest (and mine), but I saw the CT scan of his head. I know how big (or small) his brain is... He has no understanding of why part of his mouth was removed. Poor baby...

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Kobi's out of surgery - WARNING: CONTAINS GRAPHIC MATERIAL

My boy had surgery today to remove cancer from the roof of his mouth. The cancer had invaded the bone and into the nasal cavity somewhat, but it was confined to a small area. The surgeon removed four teeth and used some of his "left over" gum to seal up the hole to his nasal cavity. There were no complications or problems. I got to visit him briefly after the surgery. He looked horrible: eyes slack, blood dripping from his nose and mouth. He was on a morphine drip, so hopefully not in too much pain. I should be able to bring him home tomorrow. And then, I guess, we'll see how it goes. With any luck, that should be it. He just needs to heal and get back to living his sweet life. I've got to admit, though, this all scares the crap out of me... my poor baby.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Out of Order

Just a quick note -
I ovulated this month! I wasn't sure. I mean I sorta was sure I did, but the ovulation prediction kit (OPK) that I just started using this month never registered a positive. And seeings as I placed an order for 3 vials of sperm to arrive November 20th, I was getting really nervous that maybe I should cancel it. I have a friend that's an ObGyn who agreed to help me out with questions along the way. She suggested I get a blood test yesterday to confirm ovulation. I just got a call from her about 1/2 hour ago confirming it. Yay! Now it's just nailing down that date!

2nd thing... or series of things... Monday Kobi and I visited an oncologist to go over treatment options for his multilobular osteochondrosarcoma of the left maxilla (a tumor on the roof of his mouth). The x-ray showed that the cancer had not metasticized to his lungs. Today I took him for a CT scan of his head to determine the extent of the cancer and to hopefully guide the surgeon on the margins needed to completely removed the cancer. I was given a disk to take to the vet next Monday. I looked at it--of course--but am not really sure what I was looking at. I could tell a difference between the left and right sides at about the region of the tumor, but I won't really know anything until Monday.

Sweet thoughts for Kobi!

Your shovel or mine

I was actually a little surprised to hear that my boyfriend needed to think about whether or not he would be willing to get me pregnant. I really assumed the answer would be "HELL no." Maybe this was a front... he needed to act sympathetic and thoughtful so I wouldn't think he was a total ass.

Maybe I didn't make it clear that by the time I asked him if he was in or out, I really had decided it would be a clusterf*ck if we moved forward with him as father. You've got to understand--he's been going through a miserable custody and child support battle with his ex- for the past four years. I doubt he'll ever trust another woman again. And his little girl is his life. Which is very sweet. But there's really no room for anything else. Just the battle and his baby and a little work to pay the bills on the side. Me and my stuff are way down on the list of priorities.

So him as "father" would really be putting my future with that baby at risk. Even if we came to all sorts of legal agreements up front, I've seen him with his ex- (he refers to her as psychobitch) and I don't ever want to be in that position with him. And him as "donor," doesn't matter. Same thing.

And now maybe you're wondering why I asked him in the first place. Why didn't I just tell him I was going to start trying to get pregnant with donor sperm?

I love him. And I just didn't for a second think he would be willing to take part in this with me. I figured that I was essentially breaking up with him -- or rather giving him the perfect out to break up with me. We were only seeing each other once a week or less. It would be really great if he would step up and just break up with me.

But he didn't.

We didn't speak for nearly two weeks. And for two weeks I assumed I was "single" again. Seemed strange not to know that for certain, and dammit, he really should just face me on this thing. Finally I called him. And he was... amazing. He told me how many times this story came at him from different angles. NPR did something on donor sperm pregnancies. Some other evening news program did a story. He talked to his best friend about it. He talked to his brother about it. He agonized. And he decided he could not be a father again right now. He wants to father another child, but he just can't right now.

And I can't wait. I am terrified to wait. And he says he understands that.

So the big breakup, a tender breakup, was about to happen. Except that it didn't. He still wants to date me. He still wants to go through this process with me. And he wants no responsibility whatsoever. (Did I just kill the mood there?)

We're still together. We still see each other once or sometimes twice a week now. We talk on the phone another one or two times a week. And the parts that I let him in on--lately the frustration with finances (I'm bleeding cash), my Kobi the cancer dog, my tremendous fears about not being able to get pregnant--he is tender and patient with.

But this is all new. How much of this trip DO I share with him? Do I let him help me pick the donor? Thought that would be funny to show up with my manila folder full of printouts... But not really funny.

The ultimate responsibility is mine. My responsibility to this child I hope to create.

Next: How to pick a donor!

Step two - ignore step one and dig in

By February 2006 (aka Kobi Bloatadrama) I knew the stars weren't aligning on their own and I was just going to have to make a decision on more than a few fronts. Money... somehow or other it was going to work out. My job is as stable as any, so I'd just keep pluggin' away. Body... no biggie at that point; on a good track. A daddy. Yeah. I'd held out and held out and, well, it was time to find a donor. But known? Unknown?

I have friends, a lesbian couple, who used a known donor who actually participates as the father. (They'd told me years ago they could hook me up with a gay sugar-daddy, but I was still hoping for an intimate, romantic partner father-type.) Another woman I know of contracted out for a donor with some very clear stipulations: chromosome and STD tests and would always be available for contact by a third party (as required also of the birth mother). The fee was set and a friend did all of the liaison work and continues as the third party contact and keeper of the addresses and phone numbers.

Then there's always the idea of finding a friend who would be willing to come through for me (pun intended). I have friends. Male friends. But I love them and value their friendship and really didn't want to make things weird. They wouldn't necessarily have to be weird. But yeah. They probably would be.

My sister has a lovely friend who said he'd do it, no questions, no ties. And damn I'm tempted. But he lives in another state, and we'd have big-time timing and shipping issues. Seemed a sperm bank was going to be my best bet. Safe. Reliable. Straight-forward relationship. I did a few google searches for sperm banks and came up with a couple good lists (this FertilityPlus site looked particularly thorough). And started to let it all sink in.

But then there was my boyfriend. Yeah. We broke up a couple years ago because he wasn't in a good space for a relationship. But then in March 2006 we started dating again. Huh. Another option maybe? The boyfriend? He seemed to be in a better space (what does that mean??!), and everything, even after two full years, felt really right again. And, but, so in April I let him know what I'd been planning, and pretty well laid down a scenario for him: "I'd like to start trying to get pregnant in a few months. Not sure where you or 'we' will be at that point, but I'm not necessarily going to let that get in my way, either. If it's not by you, it will be by donor sperm. I guess you can decide now or wait and see how you feel about it then... just not sure how into dating me you're gonna be when I'm pregnant or trying to get pregnant by somebody else."

Once that cat was out of the bag - to which he barely flinched, by the way - I started to think, hell, maybe I could pay him to get me pregnant. A few thousand bucks. A down payment and final payment on conception... no, what if I miscarried. Okay, final payment after birth. No, by that point it's my problem and he's gone through some emotions and planning of uses for the funds as well. Okay, final payment after first term. Golden - makes great sense. Could save me a bunch of money depending on how long it takes me to get pregnant. I am "of an advanced age," or so I hear. (Man, that's a TOUGH one to let sink in!) But then again, how STUPID! I'm going to pay my boyfriend to get me pregnant? What a rat-infested hell-hole that would turn out to be. Yeah... No.

So we should just wait and see how it/we/this turned out. Let a few months pass, keep planning, moving forward, and when I get to the point of "well, what's it gonna be?", ask. So in early September we got there. And I asked. I told him I planned to start trying to get pregnant in November. Was he in or out?

He needed to think about it.

Next: Your shovel or mine

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Step one - make a list of steps

Okay, so you want to have a baby...

I'm not sure how many babies born in this world actually start with a plan, but this was going to take a concerted effort on my part, so a plan was absolutely necessary.

I started with the idea that yes, I absolutely must have a child, so what's next? I knew I wanted to get my debts paid down... they were only around $4000, so I knew it wouldn't take me too long. (Turns out I don't know much. But more about that later.) I also wanted to get my body baby-ready. I was fit, but was on a couple medications that aren't good for the fetus, so needed to wean myself off of those. And then there's the prenatal vitamins with folic acid. The drinking more water, alkalinizing the system, detoxing massage, etc., etc.--some of it more expensive than others, which cuts into the paying off debt.

So, pay off debts and get the body baby-ready. Pretty short list. I rent a house--I'd rather own, but that wasn't going to happen soon enough. I have a great low-paying but flexible and meaningful job that I've held for more than 5 years, so that's cool. I've got a super dog, Kobi, that should do fabulous with a baby. Really pretty well set. Oh. Except the sperm.

I so wanted and believed I needed a partner to go with me on this trip. I'd had a boyfriend that I really thought would be it about 3 1/2 years ago, but he wasn't in the right space for it. So we split and I set out to figure this out for myself. I'd say it was probably not until about 1 year ago that I decided I had to do this, and I chose to do it alone. And started the list.

Then in February 2006, my darling doggie got bloat (please click on the link if you don't know about bloat and have a large breed dog!) and had to have an emergency surgery to save his life that, well, doubled my debt. He did fabulously, though, and hasn't suffered any ill consequences. He's perfect! Well, except the cancer he was just diagnosed with a week ago.

So the debt never really has achieved that paid off status that I'd hoped for. Instead of the projected debt free date of June 2006 that I'd forecasted in November 2005, I thought maybe I would get there by October or November of 2006. But after a brake job, engine mount replacements, new tires, and full accounting of that trip to Ikea in October 2005, it soon became apparent that the best I could do was to settle for a paid down status. Which by the way hasn't materialized either. The pooch and I are facing another $3000 vet bill, and, well, sperm ain't free... if you want it when you want it with the desired traits you want and no fear of a future custody battle.

So ignore the debt criteria.

Then there's the baby-ready body. Like I said, I was fit. I was happy. I ate good foods.... Then my running partner, Kobi, had the emergency surgery and we stopped running and never really picked it up again. Fitness has declined. The foods became more comfort in nature. I DID start the prenatal vitamins in June. I DID go through a series of detoxifying massages. I'm afraid the longer I wait, the less baby-ready this body's gonna be...

So ignore the debt criteria AND my body's probably as baby ready as it's gonna get. I'm 42. Been 42 all year. There's no turning back the clock. It's now or likely never.

Next post: Step two - ignore step one and dig in

Drumroll...

The introduction: My name is Michelle, and I'm a single 42-year-old in Phoenix, Arizona who has decided to listen to that jangling biological clock alarm and hop to the business of getting pregnant.

It started with inklings on and off for the past couple decades. Glimmers of maybe... yeah... well, someday... Was married very young at 21, and was "too smart" and "too responsible" to let myself get pregnant. The marriage didn't stick past the first few years, but that "too smart" and "too responsible" hung on. I have dated and loved and even lived with men since my marriage ended--okay, lived with one man for 4 mos.--but the timing or circumstance was never right for a baby.

I love children. But I wasn't too sure about me with children. My younger sister has two lovely little lumpkinettes, 18 mos. and a month shy of 9 years, and they are my darling most darlings. I was a primary care-giver to my first niece and absolutely fell in love. I'm not remembering the exact timing--whether it was before or after niece #1 was born--but I had a dream that sealed the deal for me.

The dream was very simple. I sat on the edge of a standard white bathtub washing the back of my gorgeous dark curly-haired 2-year-old son. I LOVED this baby boy more than I have ever loved any other thing in the world in my life. It was an incredible feeling. And I woke up in tears. I knew that feeling must be what it is like to love your child. I knew I had to have that experience in my life. Now I'm set on having a child with dark, curly hair (not so picky about the boy or girl part).

I'm not so naive as to think that parents walk around in a haze of fabulous love for their children every moment of every day. Or necessarily even one moment per day. It's about more than that rush of love. It's everything about it. The responsibility. The development. The pride. The disappointment. The dramatic changes. The grueling stubbornness. It's everything about being a parent that I want to have. And now I want it now.

Next post: Step one - make a list of steps