Dis 'n Dat

oof! What a couple 'a weeks!! I've just felt absolutely exhausted. Not sure if it's because it's cooled down here or what. And it's pouring rain today - LOVELY! First rainy day we've had in months. My marathon training has been suffering from having taken a couple weeks off and never really getting back into it. A run here. A run there. I did 18 miles once in early October. Since then, nothing more than 10 miles, and that only once. I've got to really hit it for all of December! Even when I'm on vacation in the NW for the last two weeks of the month.

Have also decided that for at least ONE WEEK, I will go to bed at 9 (oops, already 9:45), get up at 5 (tomorrow's Saturday, so I'll sleep in until 6), run 4-5 days/week, and NOT go back to bed after my run. Yeah. I've been doing that a lot. Get up, run, take a nap. I think that's part of the reason I'm exhausted all the time. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to get 8 hours sleep and not nap after my runs.

I bought myself a bike for my birthday -- actually, I asked my parents if they would buy me a bike for my birthday, they said yes, so I ordered it and it came fedex today. (My b-day's not until January.) I put it together, but I need a couple of different tools. Like spanners. Until then, my seat will not be tight. Once I get it all finished, I'll post a pic. It's a sweet cruiser that looks just like this, except I added fenders!

Bad news this week on the Nut*risys*tem front... they decided to add fish paste to all of their lunches! Calling it Omega*Sol without the asterisk. Which means their otherwise meatfree vegetarian meal plan is no longer vegetarian. So, I'm going to send back all of my Omega-enhanced lunches and cancel my membership. Good news, I've lost 30 pounds. I still have 15 to go, but I should be fine. My diet was kick-started, and I can handle it from here.

I don't know anything else right now except it's almost 10 and I'm an hour late for bed... I really enjoyed spending this evening reading my friends' blogs and catching up on their lives. I'm keeping you all in my thoughts, even when I'm "absent."

Glam

I'm back from Hollywood! My good friend R & I drove out Saturday morning and returned Monday. We took our dogs and made quite a weekend of it - although it was mostly devoted to the film festival. The event was pretty great. And I did get to meet Ted Danson! (my back is to the camera...)
I elicited a total "Sam Malone" moment from him when I told him about some f*ish r*estoration work I'd done recently (he narrated the film about the creek the f*ish went into). "Wow..." accompanied by a slight bend backwards. :)

Also found myself standing about two feet from Angelina Jolie's brother at one point... Didn't get the best picture of him (James Haven), but it's something (of course I didn't take a picture when I was right next to him).

And here's what I looked like -
Yep - did it up as best I could... And it really was a lot of fun.

Other, more important update - my grandma is doing okay after her hip surgery. She's been pretty out of it, but she should be able to start doing physical therapy in a week or so and will very hopefully be able to walk again.

I haven't heard any more about the brothers in Oregon, but the caseworker should have my home study by now!

More jazz

What an up and down week I've had!! The bad news: my 98-year-old grandma fell and broke her hip 3 days after her birthday; my neighbor lady had a heart attack; and I had a really frantic, f*d up day on Tuesday (same day Grandma fell) that I've still barely recovered from. Good news: grandma's surgery went fine (once Mom went down and talked her into it); neighbor lady will be going through some additional testing, but hopes to be home tomorrow--it was a mild heart attack; I got to help reintroduce some end*angered f*ish last Friday into a special creek we've worked to restore; and on Saturday I am going to a Hollywood screening of a documentary about that same creek, participating in the Q&A panel following the screening and then attending a red carpet and awards event Sunday!! I had to shop for just the right accessories today (including sp*anx)... Here's to hoping it's wonderful!

On the kiddo front, I found a couple of troubled cuties in Oregon that might be a good match for me, so had my adoption worker send my home study yesterday. We'll see what their caseworker thinks. They're younger - 2-1/2 & 4-1/2. But they've been through hell and really need a permanent, stable, serene, loving home. Of course I'll keep y'all posted.

I haven't caught up on my dear blogger buddies' blogs yet. Hopefully I can do that soon!! In the meantime, ladies, hope you're taking good care of yourselves and gearing up for the holidays. (The clothing store I shopped at today was playing Christmas tunes. 'Tis the season...) *mwah!*

And all that jazz

Oh dearest goodness... I have so lapsed! Whatever it is, it's getting worse.

I had traveled - to D.C., then to a staff retreat. Followed by a week long visit from my momma. She left Saturday, and I missed her the moment I said goodbye. Moped around all weekend. Still moping, in fact!

While she was here, we went to Ikea and I bought bunkbeds for my yet to be identified little ones! Aren't they cute? A friend did ask, "and what if you need a crib?" Answer: My sister will send me hers. Problem solved. But I don't think it's very likely. I'll be surprised and happy if the kids are under 10. (Still hoping for two.)


I was in Super Target--I know! I refuse to go to Walmart of any size, but I'll go to Target? I'm such a hypocrit!-- yesterday and while I was familiarizing myself with the rows of Archer Farms offerings, saw a gal riding around on one of those electric chairs. I glanced and thought, she's not THAT old... Hmmm, what's up? She answered my silent question while rubbing her rounded belly, "They're really upset with me right now.... but only three weeks to go, if I can make it that far." "Twins? Congratulations!" I said, all the time focusing on her age--I think she's older than me! Well, something worked for her. And my congrats were sincere.

I'd better get back to work, but will try to catch up on my "reading" and blogging soon!!

Job Title Debacle

NOTE: Read "Grinder House" first, and then if you feel compelled to find out more details about the work stuff, continue...

Here's a doctored up version of the letter I emailed my bosses... It will explain a bit about the job title issue as well as the work hell I've been going through. Don't be distressed that the letter makes absolutely no sense since I've replaced organization and project names with blocks of letters--it didn't make any sense before I changed it.

This is about so much more than just a job title.

Bigger picture: no one has effectively communicated to me what their or the XXXX’s vision is for my position or the now apparently defunct YYYY Program.

First off, I want to make it clear that I truly value the work the XXXX does and am so very proud to be a part of it. I love my job. And I want to continue doing my job. But, I am unhappy with how things have evolved and how I have been left out of the discussion. And if you’ll bear with me, I need to lay this out so you can be clear as to why I’m feeling unhappy and undervalued.

A few years ago, the XXXX’s work was split into more manageable parts called “programs.” I was made YYYY Program Director. I wrote a program plan, but received little support or guidance. I had big ideas of what the YYYY Program might become over the next few years, particularly if I were to get some support and staff. I thought we would do more work to achieve ZZZZ designations throughout the west. And to change western w*a*ter policy. I hoped to achieve prioritization of restoring native f*i*sh, starting in Arizona, and then branching into other states. The SSPP Campaign and VVVV Campaign would be models for future r*i*ver or w*a*tershed campaigns. I wasn’t sure how to make all of this happen, particularly when I was still required to work part of the time as R’s assistant. But I figured that if I kept my head down and worked away at it, I’d eventually get some of that support, authority and growth that seemed promised with the job title. Over time, I did less work for R and became more exclusively YYYY Program focused.

But then the YYYY Program was “maybe” moved to PPPP Program around last year’s staff retreat after the DDDD and FFFF programs’ leadership bowed out. P was then head of the PPPP Program and led a small group meeting at the retreat. I wasn’t clear whether I was in PPPP Program, and P didn’t know either. M assured us we’d sort this out. Then there was a PPPP Program meeting in May at M2’s house which I attended. P and I were still uncertain whether YYYY was in the PPPP Program, but P said he did not think so. Then I got an email from M on June 13, while I was on vacation, that said I was in the BBBB Program. I was told it had more to do with “funding requests” than anything else. So I kept working. And was never once contacted by K, supposedly my new boss. But that was okay, because M said the move would have zero to do with my day to day work, and that I would continue to work independently.

In the meantime, R2 was hired to run the SSPP b*a*llot in*i*tiative campaign. I was told by M before R2 was hired that the SSPP campaign was part of the YYYY Program. But then the hiring of the campaign manager went on without me. I was not given any choice or consideration. I LIKE R and have no problem with him. But as it had been previously stated that his position and the campaign were in the YYYY Program, and the YYYY Program was never officially removed or renamed, I had some expectations that the SSPP campaign was under my purview. Yet I was left out of the loop again and again.

On July 2, a PPPP Program call was scheduled. I emailed P and wrote that since I’d been moved to BBBB Program, I wouldn’t be on the call unless he thought I should be… he did not reply. Then a PPPP Program meeting was scheduled for San Francisco. YYYY was not included on the agenda. A couple days before the meeting, R asked me if I was going. I said no, because I was not in the PPPP Program. He asked me to put together my work project list. He said he was going to advocate for me, that YYYY was an important program. At least that’s what I thought he said. Right after the PPPP Program meeting, however, R called and said “you’re definitely in the PPPP Program.” I was surprised and a little upset as I’d assumed he would be advocating for the retention of the YYYY Program. And I guess I’d hoped that I might finally get some support.

Instead, I feel like a football that’s been kicked around that nobody has wanted to pick up. Nobody is fighting for the YYYY Program. Indeed, there is, apparently, no YYYY Program and, instead, just a couple YYYY campaigns. And I’m not clear whether or not I am a generic C*o*nservation Adv*o*cate working on various c*o*nservation activities no longer focused on “r*i*vers” or if I’m a R*i*vers C*o*nservation Adv*o*cate.

Additionally, whether or not you are considering my title change and current situation a demotion, it will certainly be looked at in that way from outside as well as inside our organization. Changing me from a program director to a c*o*nservation adv*o*cate strips me of any authority, perceived or otherwise. And if I’d made assumptions that I had some authority which was never actually given me as the YYYY Program Director, it is due at least in part to a lack of communication from leadership.

If I am being demoted because I have not lived up to leaderships’ expectations, I think there needs to be some recognition that your expectations were never clearly identified for me, nor was I effectively supported in my efforts. And I will take responsibility for not forcing this issue, making more demands and making greater headway.

At this point, I would like to have my job description and job title made excruciatingly clear. (and then I go into some of my specific work responsibilities and accomplishments)

I know that I’m doing good work and believe that my contributions to the XXXX are valued, whether or not that’s been coming through in the past year’s program deliberations. I think we can work through this. But I need leadership to do a better job of communicating with me and advocating for me. And I’m certainly open to hearing what I can do differently to improve my work performance and my working relationships with all of you.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to better clarifying my position and job title -

Still holding your breath? Or did you give up??

I'm now the R*i*vers C*o*nservation M*a*nager...

Grinder House

Damn. I was feeling all happy and loved after reading Tracey's blog, laughed at the brilliant wit that Mimi keys, and then got a gut punch catching up with LookyDaddy! Now, if you read LookyDaddy's more recent posts, you'll see that Kathryn and family are doing okay, but I just can't imagine how horrible that had to be for her parents!!

Besides the blog world up and downs, my real world has been up and down, too.

UP - I'm less than 20 lbs from my goal weight!

DOWN - I haven't run in over a week...

UP - My mom is coming to visit for a week, arriving this Saturday!

DOWN - My sister can't run the marathon in Seattle Thanksgiving, so I'm going to delay my trip until Christmas... and will delay my marathon run until January.

UP - I found more kiddos on Adopt Us Kids to inquire about!

DOWN - Haven't heard anything back from the caseworker for 3 of the sibling groups and the one I did hear back from already has a family they're working with.

UP - Had a staff retreat in the gorgeous Chiricahua mountains in southeastern Arizona - creeks and changing tree leaves and great people!

DOWN - Internal work communications suck and I became upset to the point of tears several times over the past week & weekend.

UP - Got brave and wrote my bosses about my unhappiness, mistreatment and misunderstandings hoping to clear the air and get some clarity!

DOWN - Was essentially told to suck it up...

UP - Turns out I wasn't demoted after all and the job title change is insignificant!

DOWN - so why was I so upset? BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD EXPLAIN IT TO ME

UP - My landlord is almost done remodeling the third bedroom!

DOWN - My landlord is NOT done remodeling the third bedroom, yet is charging me $70 more in rent each month to pay for the remodel and energy use of a third bedroom...

BUT, to keep it in perspective, I'm healthy, I'm certified to adopt and it should happen anytime, I still love my job, my puppy dog is doing great, my car runs, I have wonderful family and friends... And I send my love out to everyone who is having a bad day, a bad week, a bad year... Hugs!

Oh, no... that's okay. Really...

It's with very pouty lip that I write that "my boys" will not be my boys. I finally got word today that their caseworker has already contacted the families they are considering, and seeing as she didn't contact me... Yeah. It's hard to give up the idea of them. But, some other kiddos are out there, just waitin' for us to connect.

I'm also pouty 'cuz a good friend is moving to North Carolina tomorrow. I saw her this evening for a bit. Fought back a tearful goodbye. Pooh...

I have to pick out a new job title. "Director" no longer fits... "but you know it's not a demotion or anything... just..." Yeah. I know. But how're the people I deal with on the outside going to know? Well, Mayor, I'm the coordinator errr, advocate... ummmm... manager... associate? No, not the director. There's no director. But, yeah, you still have to listen to me... please? Whatever.

It really wasn't a bad day. Just a bunch of pissy parts to it. I'm gonna go eat and rest up for my 18-mile run tomorrow... (I'm just hoping I make it 15 miles!)

The Great Balancing Act

I have SO MUCH catching up to do! But figured I'd better post a note before y'all started worrying about me.

I had a great trip to D.C. To start, we'll get the goofy shot of me on a Segway out of the way... Did a 2-hour tour with "Segs*in*the*City" of some of the buildings of note. Then did a self-guided tour of the Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson monuments/memorials. I was exhausted!! And you'd think that 2 hours on a Segway would be no big deal, right? But standing in one position for 2 straight hours is agonizing! My lower back was bitchin'. Then add to that a few hours of walking, and I got my share of exercise--DESPITE HAVING BLOWN OFF THE RUNNING FOR THE WEEKEND. Yep. I just didn't have the time or energy before I left to run. And I didn't run when I was in D.C. And I haven't run since I got back!!!! TOMORROW! It begins again.

After playing tourist, I got down to the business at hand and played lobbyist. I talked to one house rep, the staffs of three other house reps, and the staff of two senators. Great experience, and I hope to do it again sometime. Besides the fact that D.C. is just a fabulous historic city. I loved it.

Absolutely no word on the kiddos. Hopefully will get to see some more profiles soon. It's tough waiting, but I'm sure it will all be worth it in time.

I'll post more pictures later. xoxo

C-C-C-Crazy

Jus' so nobody worries, thought I'd post a big "I'm here but running madly about in circles, hair flying, plastic-comb bound books dusting a paper dandruff trail..."

I'm bound for DC on Saturday morning, so plan to try to jog my 16 miles tomorrow morning. Have buckets of work to do before I leave, and I won't be back until Wednesday. While in DC, I plan to do some site-seeing, although it may just end up being 4 hours in the Smithsonian. Will meet up with some of my congressional delegates or their staff on Monday/Tuesday (aka lobbying). And then to the airport about 4 am Wednesday to fly back. Ewww.

Here's to hoping: I get through my long jog tomorrow; I get my work done before I leave; and the Hilton has exercise facilities so I can work out on the road--running downtown Phoenix at 4 in the morning is scary enough... don't think I want to tackle the streets of DC. Cheers!!

Hold on tight!

Okay, first off: WWAAAAHHHHH!!!! I'm in such a poopy mood today! and yesterday. I think it may in part be hormone related, but work is just pissin' me off. And not so much the work itself... although there's too f'ing much of it. But the people. And the lack of recognition and respect and consideration. Found out a good friend and former co-worker was essentially forced out of her position. And something that I thought was going to happen for me not only didn't, but it turned out practically opposite. I feel underpaid and under-appreciated. Times 10. And I can look forward to having to work pretty much through my weekend. Woo!

Deep breath... My adoption specialist has still been unable to talk to the boys' caseworker, but she indicated she was going to try to get ahold of the caseworker's supervisor to find out what's going on. I'd also inquired about looking at kiddos from out-of-state. I'll have to pay about $40 for each home study sent to out-of-state caseworkers. But I did find out that any subsidies that come with the kids goes across state lines, too. Must be a federal subsidy... Not that I was counting on getting money, but it would certainly help with childcare and the college funds.

On a totally positive note, the running has been going great. My weight doesn't seem to want to budge, but no worries. I'm smaller and can fit into some of my old clothes (the transition clothes between almost skinny and really fat--my closet ranges from size 12 to 18/XL, so I'm in some of my 16s now, and one of my over-sized 14s).

Good news - I'm in a better mood already. Maybe because it's after 6pm on a Friday night and I can legitimately quit working now. Or maybe because I blew off some steam. Or maybe because I reminded myself of the nuggets of positive things. I just feel better. Thanks for taking the mood-swing journey with me!!

Wouldn't it be nice...

Man, I've got nothin' to report... Haven't heard anything about anything. Oh, except that I can state my official date of certification was 8/18, my sister's birthday. So that makes it memorable. Otherwise, nada.

Work is tough... good, but tough. How to get a region of communities to work together regarding water resources, growth planning and habitat conservation? Rare that it works out. But we keep trying. Gotta have hope.

Everything on the diet and exercise front is going just fine. I'm really hoping to break 200# in the next couple weeks. Let's say by 9/20! My run on Saturday will be 14 miles. (shoot me)

I haven't spoken of men in quite some time, and gotta say that I rarely think of them, or rather, that I have much need of one. I did entertain hooking up with a former beau who's let me know he's available for such activities, but haven't done it. And now with the Z*lift I've been taking I'm not sure I'd enjoy it all that much. I really feel absolutely fine with moving forward with my life as a single woman and single mother. Not sure I'd even want to "hassle" with a partner. Now, having said that, I am extremely jealous of my blogger friends who are in wonderful, committed relationships... How nice would that be? I have never experienced it. I don't think I'm even open to it at this point. ...wouldn't know what it looked like, for me, if it hit me square in the face. That doesn't mean I can't have a fulfilling life and family, though. Thank goodness!!

I'm SO GLAD my life is no longer on hold and is instead moving toward a wonderful goal of motherhood! That's not to say I don't occasionally feel totally freaked about the prospect as well. That happens almost daily - "holy shit, I could be a mom any day (month)... that's gonna be really, really tough..." But it will be really, really fabulous as well.

I feel so joyous tonight finding out that Rajen will be mommies!!! And the lovely posts of Jen's belly (and her teeny tiny feet)! Just feelin' warm all over....

I'm Certified!!

Received word today that the judge has signed off on my paperwork, and I am certified to adopt! Phew! Now it's just more wait and see about placement of kiddos... My adoption specialist says she's left several messages for "the boys'" caseworker and has never received a call back. So I'm waiting, waiting... tap-tap-tap

Had to run 12 miles last Saturday and it KICKED MY ASS! Uck. But it sure made the 4 miles I did today seem E-Z. 10 miles this coming Saturday, then 14 the following. I have lost 17 lbs on NS so far! Feeling a bit more like my ol'self. At least I can fit into my old fat clothes. :)

cupcake

Just a brief update (although a cupcake would be sweeter): I have not received notice yet of my certification, so the adoption specialist could not represent me at the big meeting. It was okay, though, because the brothers that were a possibility for me are getting adopted by their foster mom. I still have not heard word-one back from "the boys'" agency--whether they received my home study, have any interest in talking with me or my adoption specialist... nothin'. So I'm just waiting at this point.

Did get my landlord to open up the 3rd bedroom of this house, but it's still piled high with the crap he's been storing in there. Soon as we can clean it out, put the door up, paint, install new flooring, etc., it will be ready for kiddos, and I won't have to move my office. OR, if the kiddos are different genders, they can each have their own room (and the office will be absorbed elsewhere). Planning to work on the room this weekend.

Still running and my hands are healing. Starting a second month of N*S. Still going okay, so will stick with it a bit longer. I'd like to be down to 190 or below by the marathon (remember, I'm 6'2" tall)--that's 3 full months to lose 20 pounds. I think I can do it or at least get close. s'long as I stay away from the cupcakes... (haven't had one, just sounds so damn good tonight!)

Going, going...

No word yet about "the boys," although I didn't expect there to be. I did go to the adoption agency today and watch a video about several kiddos that need homes. Next week there will be some big meeting between DES caseworkers and adoption specialists where the same kids will be presented and the specialists will be presenting the families that are interested in those kids. There was a sibling set that I thought might work, although I really want MY boys, Brandon and Cordell. If my certification comes through in the next couple days, my specialist will be able to represent me at the meeting as interested in the sibling set. There's likely going to be other families interested in them as well. Apparently they're going to try to sort out placements for these kids that day. This is a new, untried type of meeting - usually it's just for one or two kids at a time.

I should also note that if my certification does not come through in the next couple days, I won't be included in this placement meeting. Which might be okay, because it's not Brandon and Cordell on the stage (or "auction block"?). This is such a strange way to go about "having children." Watching tapes of kids or observing them in their natural settings; ie. group homes, foster homes, etc. Competing with other families to be the right or best placement option. Looking at the children's past, their behavioral issues and developmental issues and deciding if they fit with your family. Necessary given the circumstances. But strange nonetheless.

My specialist did say that she'd heard last Friday that one of the other families whose application she filed the same day she filed mine was in the review stage with the judge, which would indicate I would be likely at the same place or nearly so. Should be SOON!

If the personality fits, wear it!

Okay... me too. I've apparently changed! Used to be an ISTJ, now an ESTP. And I think it mostly fits. I am, in a sense, a promoter or marketer or agent for plants, animals, and wild places. I have to speak publicly to educate, argue, advocate. I attend a lot of meetings, write a lot of controversial comments. To do my job even better, I could be even bolder. So here goes:



ESTP - The "Persuader"

ESTPs are action-loving, "here and now" realists with excellent people skills. Informal, risk-taking, fast-paced and adaptable, they are not always in agreeance with rules and regulations. They are tactical problem solvers that desire quick results. ESTPs, who present a friendly and enthusiastic face, are straightshooters that are able to handle criticism.

About the ESTP - Expert Quotes & Links

"These are the ultimate realists. Extraverted Sensors are at one with objects and experiences now, in the only living, pulsing moment that ever really exists. The Sensor is compelled to see, touch, taste, smell and feel all that moves, wafts, tingles, tinkles, scintillates, vibrates or resonates" - ESTP Profile (TypeLogic)

"Promoters are men and women of action. When someone of this personality is present, things begin to happen: the lights come on, the music plays, the game begins." - The Portrait of the Promoter Artisan (eStP) (Keirsey)

"likes to lead, likes sports, risk taker, tends to dominate conversations, fearless, can handle criticism" - Jung Type Descriptions (ESTP) (similarminds.com)

"Enthusiastic and excitable, ESTPs are "doers" who live in the world of action. Blunt, straight-forward risk-takers, they are willing to plunge right into things and get their hands dirty. They live in the here-and-now, and place little importance on introspection or theory. The look at the facts of a situation, quickly decide what should be done, execute the action, and move on to the next thing." - Portrait of an ESTP (The Personality Page)

"At work, ESTPs contribute a straightforward attitude that calls on people to make things happen quickly. They keep things lively and are willing to take personal and organizational risks. They enjoy crises and like to dive right in and skillfully negotiate through them." - ESTP - The Adventurer (Lifexplore)

Famous ESTPs

Real ESTP People
* Ann Jillian - actress
* Bruce Willis - actor (Die Hard)
* Cybil Shepherd - actress
* Donald Trump - businessman, TV personality
* Eddie Murphy - actor, comedian
* Ernest Hemingway - American novelist
* Jack Nicholson - actor
* Jacob (Israel) - Isaac's son, Abraham's grandson
* James Buchanan - American President
* Jimmy Conners - tennis player
* Joan Cusack - actress, comedian
* Lucille Ball - actress (I Love Lucy)
* Madonna - singer
* Mae West - actress
* Michael J. Fox - actor (Back to the Future)
* Roy Rogers - singer, actor
* Simon Peter - Disciple of Jesus

Fictional ESTPs (Characters)
* Bart Simpson - The Simpsons
* Bernie Bernbaum - Miller's Crossing
* Elle Driver - Kill Bill Vol. 1
* Jake "J.J" Gittes - Chinatown
* James Bond - James Bond Series
* John Parker - Alien
* Krusty the Klown - The Simpsons
* Louie DePalma - Taxi
* Sidney Falco - Sweet Smell of Success
* Sonny Corleone - Godfather
* Spike Spiegel - Cowboy Bebop
* Tuco - The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
* Vincent Vega - Pulp Fiction

ESTP Career Matches

ESTPs are often happy with the following jobs which tend to match well with the Persuader/Creator personality.

* Agent
* Auditor
* Carpenter
* Comedian
* Computer Tech Support
* Computer Technician
* Craftsman
* Detective
* Driver
* Engineer
* Entrepreneur
* Farmer
* Firefighter
* Laborer
* Marketer
* Military
* Network Specialist
* Paramedic/EMT
* Police
* Project Manager
* Sales Representative

gains and losses

A potentially good piece of news! The boys' adoption agency requested I send them my homestudy (or rather have my agency send it). So apparently they will consider me, I'm just not sure how seriously. It sounded as though I may have some competition as the woman at their agency said they had several homestudies to go through and they just haven't had time... Okay. Their agency hasn't been very pleasant to deal with up to this point. We'll see if it turns around.

On the bummer side, I fell when running this morning and scraped the shit out of my palms, banged up my knees and torqued my back... I'm suppose to run 10 miles in the morning. We'll see about that, too. (I have a picture of my left palm, which is the worst of my wounds... I could post it, but wouldn't want to alienate you, dear readers and super-supporters. So you'll have to click here to see it.)

If I haven't announced it already, I've lost 10# since I started NS on 7/17. Woohoo!!

So hoping the dream bubble don't pop...

I'm feeling a bit antsy... I still haven't heard from my adoption specialist whether she's made contact with the boys' caseworker. Finally, yesterday, I went ahead and emailed the caseworker listed on their profile (I know it's the wrong guy, but he should forward it, right?) as well as the contact person for the agency. I finally figured out (I'm registered on the Adopt US Kids website, so now I can find out more info about the kiddos and send inquiries to their case workers) that the boys are in or near Tucson as that's where the agency is that's handling their adoption. And now it's been 24 hours and no reply. I cc'd my adoption specialist on the email. She hasn't sent me a note or called either.

And this all has me facing the very real prospect that maybe I won't be able to adopt Brandon and Cordell. The "powers-that-be" might rather hold out for a "couple" than place them with me. That these two adorable little faces that have become a part of my daily thoughts might have to exit my memory. And that feels like a major loss.

You see they have really captured my imagination--more so than the infant for which I was TTC. I had faces and names, races and genders and ages for these two guys. I certainly didn't know that much about the baby that never formed in my womb. And because I adored them on sight, even though I knew there was a possibility that they would never be mine, they became the official stand-ins for "my kids." When I think about rides to school or the museum or chasing around the park, it's with Brandon and Cordell. When I think of going to Ikea and picking out bedroom furniture of their very own, I think of going with Brandon and Cordell. When I think of introducing my kiddos to my family and my friends, the kiddos are Brandon and Cordell. And it really, really hurts to think that my kiddos may not be them. And I have to open myself up for some other kids. Kids that right now, to me, don't have faces or names or genders or ages... just ranges and possibilities.

Bleh... it stinks.

I KNOW! I totally set myself up. And I said I wasn't going to do that. But as the weeks and months wore on (I saw their picture at the end of March or beginning of April), I've sorta slipped. But you know I'll muddle through, whatever. I just wish that dream, the one with Brandon and Cordell, would come true.

NS = MRE

mmmm... sitting here enjoying another delicious NS meal... They're essentially MREs. Getting up at 4 a.m. to run, I feel like I'm in bootcamp! (ha... I wouldn't last two days)

Nothing new here, really. Still waiting to find out about the kiddos. I did stress to my adoption specialist that I'm fairly desperate to find out. I do know that my homestudy has been submitted to the courts as of last Friday. I'll be entered into the central registry as ready to adopt so social workers throughout the state will have access to my info. I've also registered with Adopt US Kids, a national network.

I'm so boring!! At least life is fairly uneventful at the moment... unlike some people's (Michell). Cheers to all!!

Faster off foot than on...

Guess I'm on a once a week posting schedule... Hey! I have hardly any news for y'all. I'm still waiting to find out if the kiddos' caseworker will consider a single mom for them. When the presumed caseworker returned from vacation and caught up on his email and voicemail, found out he's no longer the caseworker. My adoption specialist is now trying to contact the new caseworker, whose voicemail has been full and whose email she doesn't have. My a.s. is also in the midst of an office move and so didn't respond to my emails today. But as far as I know, my paperwork has been submitted to the courts and I should be certified to adopt within a month.

It's currently thundering here and my big, bad Kobi is laying as close to underneath me as he can get. He hates the booms and roars. Poor sweetums.

I jogged 8 miles Sunday morning as part of my marathon training. It was grueling, I was slowwwww and really stiff, and I'm sore today. It's the furthest I've ever run (or "walked with a bounce"). Felt good to do it, but I was prompted to buy new shoes afterwards. I've been leaning in that direction, but my feet and legs were SO tired...

This weekend I also did a clean-up at a really great riparian area northeast of town that is being restored after 100 years of dam operation that left the stream corridor nearly dry most of the year. Conservation groups got the dam "removed" and now the place is just thriving. But it's also being loved to death by thousands more recreationists. We picked up a ton of crap: litter, car parts, and quite literally CRAP! It was really hard work, but very productive. Now if we could just figure out how to get the idiots to cart their shit out of the forest... "LEAVE NO TRACE" Live by it (when it comes to public lands--not your life).

The diet is going well enough. I do feel hungry a lot of times, but it's more because I'm not eating as much as I should. I've lost 5-6 lbs. so far. Also, because I'm feeling more fit, I get really surprised when I take my shirt off and see my belly rolls... I "feel" like I should be thinner than that! I know it takes time, but I wish it would hurry the hell up. And I'm looking forward to training in new shoes in the morning. Hope I'm faster than I was this weekend!!!

Me and My Arrow

Can't believe I've been so absent lately! With so much going on! Maybe that's why...

I still don't know whether "the boys" caseworker will consider me, a single parent, for their adoption. I'm hoping to know by midweek.

I graduated from the PS-MAPP training for adoption/foster care last week. And I have all of my paperwork in for adoption certification. I should be certified sometime between Sept 1 and Oct 1.

I'm still marathon training and did 6 miles on Saturday. Weekends are my long runs, gradually easing up to two 20-mile runs in October. Next weekend will be 8 miles. Eek! I don't think I've ever done more than a 10K (6.2 miles) in my life!

I saw Sicko last weekend, finally. I'm about to go into an anti-war rant, which was not what the film was about... so anywho, if you'd like to sign a petition that asks senators and representatives to vote for free health care for uninsured children, click here.

Finally, I've started *N*u*t*r*i*S*y*s*t*e*m*s*... a couple days into it. Found I was just having a hell of a time getting back into the swing of portion control and healthy eating. I wouldn't say that this is exactly healthy eating with everything being pre-packaged, except for the fruit, vegetables and dairy/protein that you have to supplement. But it is a great guide for portion control and balanced nutrition. And so far I've only hated the reconstituted scrambled eggs. Everything else has at least been decent, and I really liked the pasta primavera I had for dinner last night. SO - only 44 pounds to lose... Currently 219, goal 175.

Alrighty - I'd better get back to work! ...right after I check out what my blogger pals have been up to... :)

P.S. in last week's final PS-MAPP class, we were introduced to two kiddos that were in need of adoptive families. One of the two boys, aged 11, was named Arrow. I immediately broke into Harry Nilsson... Not sure my classmates were familiar with the reference. Oh, well....

Moving right along

Only one more week of class!! Tuesday is graduation. I have nearly everything turned in... waiting for a copy of my 1991 divorce decree to arrive from Columbia County, Oregon, and Kobi's dog license to arrive from Maricopa County, Arizona. We're rather spread out...

The little boys who have captured my heart and imagination are still available, but I found out Friday that their file says a preferred home would be two parent. My adoption specialist will talk to their case worker and see if she'll consider me despite the preference. Hopefully I'll know early next week. And HOPEFULLY she'll say yes!

The adoption agency recently told me that they want me to get my foster license as well, which they will put on hold, just in case the "right kids" come along that are not completely legally free but nearly so. If I am not licensed, I won't be considered. I think there are plenty of children that are legally free needing homes, so if I won't be considered for "my boys" (new pixies by the way), I'm sure other little ones will be right. I did start getting all the foster paperwork done as well, so if I change my mind in the next couple months, all I'll need to do is get the home inspection.

I had my homestudy visit last Tuesday. I was surprisingly nervous for it, and didn't even know it until it was over. I was grumpy as hell for two days, but as soon as it was over--and it was a breeze--I was happy, happy, happy!

The marathon training is going really well. Despite the fact that my doctor told me not to run a marathon. He said a half was okay, but not the full. No, nothing wrong with me... he just thinks that everyone who runs a marathon has bad knees and ankles and joints and problems and it's not worth it. He can't understand why anyone would want to run a marathon in the first place. I told him thanks for the advice, but I might not follow it. This is something I've always wanted to do (well, for at least the last 20 years), and it's going to happen.

Back to adoption/foster class homework... one last assignment. Total. That's it. Woohoo!!!

(Don't) Walk Away

Did I mention that I blew off my 25th high school reunion and went to a John Doe concert instead? It was fabulous. And considering I had a dream the night before the reunion that the organizer wanted to kill me (and indeed tried in my dream)... I figured out that I really didn't want to go to the reunion. And I REALLY wanted to go see John. (I'm in love with him, btw.)

So in honor of a great vacation - a terrific concert! - L.A. - and missed high school reunions, I bring you John... Off his new album, A Year in the Wilderness (and yes, I have the t-shirt!): Golden State, w/ Cindy Wasserman of Dead Rock West

...I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance...

I'm back!! Actually was back almost a week ago, but SO FAR BEHIND with work and all. Then drove to L.A. with a friend to see Cyndi Lauper, Deborah Harry, Margaret Cho, Rosie O'Donnell, Dresden Dolls, and many, many happy people Saturday night. It was a great time. And then yesterday afternoon we hooked up with a friend of my friend's who is a comic and then some, and SHE found out she was having BBQ with Cyndi last night! Asked her to please verify Cyndi's haircolor for me... I'm guessing a light lilac.

Took Kobi on both my vacation and the L.A. roadtrip. He was such a good boy. Except now I know for sure, under no uncertain terms, if that dog wants in, he'll find a way in. While I was at the concert, the friends we stayed with went out to a BBQ (apparently a lot of that BBQ thing happenin' in L.A.). I got back before they did and went looking for my boy. Not in the yard. What? Maybe they decided to leave him in the house? Not in the house. I called and called, beginning that internal panic. But I thought I heard somethin' around the corner of the house. Looked, called again... Heard something. Looked AT the house and noticed a broken blind hanging out under a screen and a partially open window. The dog broke into the house. He was in a little storage room off the bedroom. The glass french doors were held closed by a wooden spoon, so he was confined. And he was fine. Luckily the blinds were old, the screens were already partly trashed, and he didn't pee on the guy's cigar humidor or anything...

I have many tales from my adventures, but I'll maybe parse them out. One big cool thing is that my sister and I decided to run (cuz you can't say "jog") the Seattle marathon later this year! I'm officially in training. Have had to do a couple of 5 mile jog/walk/jogs, and Saturday is my first 6-miler. Pretty exciting. And a great way to get in shape. No excuses. I've got a goal and a training schedule and that's all there is to it.

Tomorrow is class number eight of ten of my foster/adopt required coursework. ALREADY!! I can't believe how fast it's going. In two to four months I'll be certified to adopt a child (or two). Did just find out last week that they've decided I have to also get licensed for foster care in case a child(ren) becomes available that is a great fit for me but whose parents' rights have not yet been completely severed. I'm still hoping for "my boys," but am open to whatever makes the most sense.

I guess I'll leave it there for now. I have to get up early to beat the freakin' heat and jog 3 miles tomorrow. I've missed everyone!!

Can we say "vacation"?

Yep, that's me. Leaving on a jet plane at 6:30am... Two weeks. I will take my computer. And unfortunately, I do have some work to do (just couldn't get it all done!). But mostly hoping to have a blast with family and friends. I'll check in when I can and see how all my lovely blog buddies are doing.

xoxo

Are we there yet?

Absolutely pathetic. No, not you... me. I have days where I can't for the life of me get into the swing of work. Even after having written an article about a campaign being in full swing... it is. Me, not so much. So here I am, procrastinating again.

Mainly I'm posting to my blog because I get lonely when I don't get new comments. No offense to the commentators of my last feeble post... But there wasn't much to say, was there. I gotta say, though, Cheryl, you're about tied with Meg for mainstream queen geeks. Cuz of course y'all are too cool to be regular geeks. And any score over 70-75 I think crowns you as geek royalty.

Okay, well since I'm posting anyway, I'll give a quick update on what's going on adoption-wise. I've made it through week 4 of the 10-week course. I've turned in all of my paperwork except that silly divorce decree I have yet to find or order. I attended a generically titled "Support Group" for foster/adoption last night. We have to attend two before we can be certified - thought I'd get a jump on it. Pretty interesting. One gal was a single mom to three children plus four foster children = SEVEN. Single mom, seven kids. AND she looked sane. Happy even. There was also a couple there that foster infants (FOSTER ONLY, no adoption & INFANTS ONLY - they were adamant). They've fostered 20 infants in two years of being foster parents. They currently have two little girl babies - one a meth baby, the other a crack cocaine and fetal alcohol syndrome baby. And they're content just to love 'em and give 'em back. There were also a couple "therapeutic foster care" folks there. They deal with the toughest cases - the least well-adjusted - and try to get them to a point where they can live in regular foster care or be adopted. THAT would be a tough job. One of the families was a single woman who seemed exceptionally patient and sweet. The other was a couple who seemed a little less able to deal -- they mentioned twin girls they couldn't handle and passed on as well as a little boy they couldn't deal with. Their current little guy has threatened to wreck his room, which the mom replied, "Go ahead. I'll call the cops." Sounds like great parenting to me! Yeah...

Now I don't think I'll go for seven kids, but I'm still thinking siblings would be great, and maybe a baby down the road. I'm ready to help now, though, get some kid(s) out of the system and on the road to healing.

'nuff for now. I've got to settle my ass down and get something done. I go on a two week vacation starting next Wednesday, and need to get a few things in order. OH - before I go, special big hug to Val!!!

And, all, feel free to post more than one comment so I feel especially loved this week!! :)

Not too

Imagine

I screwed up and actually had a glorious weekend away from my computer! And have been paying for it ever since. I procrastinated on some comments I need to write to a state wildlife agency - due TOMORROW - so I should be working now (9:15pm). But I've barely been keeping up on my blog roll and haven't posted in a week, so thought I would procrastinate on my work just a little more and post on my blog.

Had another adoption/foster class last night - Week 3 of 10. Good stuff. "Becoming Loss Experts" was sorta the theme. Knowing that all kids in the system have suffered some sort of situational loss and have likely not adequately grieved that loss, we ran through some of the paces on how to understand and address the behaviors that accompany the emotions. Wooo! Sounds like it could be quite a rollercoaster! And then there's fetal alcohol syndrome - another crazy ride. Not sure I'd go that route - I'm patient, but not saintly.

In the meantime, besides the work I'm not doing, I'm getting ready for my two week vacation in mid to late June. Will be headed to the NW. And then when I get back, my bestest girlfriend, R, and I will be taking a road trip to LA to go see the True Colors tour at the Greek Theater. We're staying with a friend I met on the internet several years ago... it was a dating site. He and I never dated, but became good long-distance friends. We've met up a couple times when he's been in Phx or I've been in LA. I get to meet his wife of a couple years for the first time! She agreed to let my friend and I stay there. AND they'll babysit Kobi, who will take the roadtrip with us, when R & I go to the concert. R's dog, who gets car sick, will stay at her ex-husband's. Okay, I'm rambling at this point... But we're very excited to take a road trip! And we've moved on to planning a trip to Iceland to see the Imagine Peace Tower, with a stop in Greenland. Extremely cool. Could be a couple years before we get the money together, but the Tower will be a permanent exhibition, from what I gather.

From Yoko's website (linked above):

The Japan Times (October 2006)

"Imagine Peace Tower, as planned by the 73-year-old artist, will be 20 to 30 meters high with a radius of about a meter, and will have the lyrics of Lennon's song "Imagine" engraved on it once completed by his 67th birthday next year. The illuminated column, constructed over a base with a radius of about 10 meters, will be filled with messages of wishes and hopes from more than 900,000 people that have been collected so far.

A special mailbox for the monument will be set up in the city to continue accepting more letters to go into the monument."

And that mailbox address where you can send YOUR wishes and hopes:

Send your wishes to IMAGINE PEACE TOWER:

PO Box 1009
121 Reykjavík
Iceland

Hopefully the kiddos won't mind spending a couple weeks at Grammy & Papa's (unless I can pull the extra $ together for their plane tickets - and yes, I really want to adopt siblings - instant family!).

Save Darfur

Please send a letter to President Bush. Click on the link or copy and paste: http://ga6.org/campaign/where_is_planb

You Can't Hurry Love

I KNOW! I'm posting again! And already!! But another mini-milestone. I met with the lady at the adoption agency today, dropped off my references and picked up my paperwork. She caught me up on the work that was assigned last Tuesday. I have LOTS of writing to do this weekend, as well as looking up my address from 9 years ago and locating my divorce decree. I also have to clean house and make it look like a kiddo or two might fit in here. She's gonna come by on Tuesday and verify my address and take a little look-see.

At today's appointment, I also asked her about the timeline to give me an idea of what we're talking about here. I'm already a week into 10 weeks of classes which will be over July 17. They'll have the home studies completed by August 4, submitted to the Commission by September 4, and signed by October 4 (if not sooner). !! At that point I'll go on the adoption registry as a certified potential parent and we'll see who they match me up with or who's available for me to be considered for. Although I want whatever is best for "my boys," I can't help but hope they're available for me to mother when I get certified. (And I'll try to make that the last time I refer to them until something is known on that front.)

After my appointment, I went straight to the location where I needed to get fingerprinted - two sets. Filled out the paperwork and got inked up. I also made an appointment with my doctor to have him fill out the medical form I need to submit, and also to refer me to another doc for a round of steroid epidurals in my neck. I've got some tissue between a couple of my vertebrae that gets inflamed and causes my right hand to go numb. It happened a couple years ago, but was completely better after three of the shots. I hoped it would go away forever, but no such luck. Maybe one epidural will work this time? We'll see.

I have special assignments, too, in this paperwork. Like I have to write a letter to the child(ren) about my home, activities, pets, life, their room, etc. to help them get to know me and what it's like "here." I also have to write a letter to the birth parent(s) to let them know I'll provide a safe and happy place for their little one(s). A photo album/scrap book is also required (or at least STRONGLY recommended) - the more warm and expressive and lively the better. This is to give the caseworkers, commissioners, etc. an idea about who I am and what kind of mother I will be. (If anybody has any great or clever ideas about how I might go about that, please let me know!) Seems exceedingly ODD that I had a dream last night that a lady gave me some materials as a thank you to put in "my scrapbook." I didn't know anything about this part of the adoption process until today.

So this weekend it's all about the paperwork and housework. And I really could be a mom by the end of the year! Amazing.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I spoke to the Department of Economic Security about "my boys" yesterday, and yes, they're still available. Of course they won't HOLD them for me, but at least I know their current status. The adoption agency called me today AND the gal is going to work with me to make up a missed class and catch me up on paperwork (the classes started last Tuesday), and allow me to make up one other class I'll miss when I'm on vacation. The alternative was to wait until July 24 to start the 10-week series of classes required for adoption certification. I'm going in tomorrow morning to pick up my paperwork and give her my five references. Then in the next week or two, she'll come to my house for a preliminary check. I also have to go get finger prints (two sets) next week. WOW! and HOLY SHIT!!

I know, it seemed like just Tuesday I wasn't sure what I was doing. Now, just two days later, I'm planning to start (or am already a week into) the process of becoming certified to adopt. Of course now that I'm more seriously considering, and even working toward, adopting two "older" children, the questions and comments are starting...

"Are you sure you want to adopt an older child?"
"Two boys??"
"You know they're going to have lots of problems, right?"
"I thought you wanted a baby."
"Are you sure you don't want to wait for a baby?"
"That'll be a big change..."

You're telling me.

I really do feel compelled to do exactly what I'm doing. AND, as another friend said, "You're still young! You can easily adopt a baby in a few years!" She's so sweet.

I can't tell you how excited I am. And, yes, terrified. But mostly excited!

Hello, Dolly!

What I know now that I didn't know yesterday morning... (sorry, this leaves out all the stuff I already DID know)

1) It's highly unlikely that I'll be able to adopt an infant out of foster care. (I thought that they placed likely adoptable infants with families that want to adopt, but was told that the goal is ALWAYS to return the child to the parents and they don't even consider possible adoption status when placing.)

2) Foster parents in Arizona require a license. There are something like four or five levels of licensure and requires relicensing annually. Adoptive parents require certification which is good for 18 months.

3) In addition to the home study, which can be 2 to 6 visits, my home also has to have the sign-off by the health department. --Oh, shit! I wonder if my landlord will address the dryer vent, put in a carbon monoxide monitor, unstick the windows so there's a second exit... I should start my list now - it will take him months to make this place livable...

4) Foster parents have a huge list of support for them and the children: a respite program, child medical & dental insurance, child care assistance, support groups, 24-hour helpline, education and consultation services, foster parent liability insurance, WIC & free school lunches, financial allowances for room & board, clothing, diapers and formula, graduation expenses, education expenses, summer school tuition and fees, summer day camp and residential camp, and a personal monthly allowance for the child.

5) Adoptive parents also have some benefits such as the respite program (basically a special emergency babysitting gig), special services subsidy, reimbursement for non-recurring expenses related to adoption finalization, maintenance subsidy, support groups and ongoing education. I "think" that there can also be some additional subsidy for special needs kids.

6) Certification for adoption can cost around a grand, but the state may reimburse the fee if a "special needs" child is adopted.

7) "Special needs" means: age 6 or older, children of color, sibling groups of three or more, has physical/mental/emotional disabilities, or has a high risk for physical/mental/emotional disabilities.

I'm sure there are more things I learned, but I'm getting a little tired. I went to see Harry Connick Jr. tonight - his New Orleans tour, "oh, my nola." And it was great! What a cutie - and so funny! Yeah, it was good. (Although he seemed to start off a little rough... I was thinking he was hung-over. But maybe it was just the heat.)

I put a call in to DES (Department of Economic Security, the agency in Arizona that has legal custody of children whose parents' rights have been terminated) to find out if "my boys" are still available and how to work towards adopting them. (This is not a commitment yet as I haven't even talked to them yet.) I also left a message at an agency that is centrally located, single-friendly and secular. Hopefully I'll know even more tomorrow!

Finally, I gotta tell you about my dining experience tonight pre-Harry concert. Went to a restaurant I've been to three or four times. Nice place. Good food (usually). Instead of the thin crust pizza, I got the "pesto salad," which supposedly came with roasted potatoes. They brought my friend and I two identical salads - mixed greens. I told them I'd ordered the pesto salad. It comes. I try a bite of potato, since that's the thing that's different about our salads that I paid an extra buck for... Uck! It tasted like 4-day-old french fry. Dried out, flavorless, just UCK! So I asked my friend to try one - I didn't trust myself. She agreed it was horrible. The waiter came by and asked us how everything was, but he didn't make eye-contact or wait for an answer. I picked out all the potatoes and started eating the salad. When the waiter came by again and inquired on how much we were enjoying our meals, I told him I wasn't and explained the problem. "Oh, really? Cuz they're fresh - cooked daily... I dunno... Umm, I can ask the chef..." And that was it. I kept eating. I'd decided I wouldn't send it back because I would have just ordered the mixed green salad instead - or what I had with the stale potatoes picked out. But no worry - he didn't even ask if I wanted something else. Later, finally, he brought the check. I noticed he didn't take anything off for the salad, nor did he tell me what the chef had to say for himself (I hadn't expected it - seemed strange he'd ask the chef whether or not I should be happy with my salad). I waited for him to come back so I could ask about the bill - I decided that if he wanted a tip, he probably wanted to take the salad off so there was something left for him. I told him that I didn't like the salad, the potatoes were awful, and that he should take part or all of the salad charge off. And he said, "But you ate it, right?" And I said, "Oh, you didn't just say that..." The bill was $38.83. I left him $40. What he did with it was up to him... Ass.

Bunches of Babies

I finally met other members of the Arizona Single Mothers by Choice group on Saturday. Wow, what a lovely group of women and SUCH CUTE BABIES!! M's triplets (actually due today!), K's 5 mo.-old twins, M2 and her newborn, C and almost 1-year-old, pregnant T and 7-mo.-old boy, T2 and almost year old preemie with the most beautiful blue eyes, and H with twin 4-year-old girls. What a terrific group. All of these babies came out of these ladies bodies - which made me rethink some. I WANT to have a baby! But it also makes really good sense to me to just move to adoption...

Speaking of which, my foster/adopt orientation is tomorrow evening at 6. I'm looking forward to it and a teeny bit nervous. Here's a link to the little boys I'm in love with. But still trying to figure out if I should concentrate on getting a baby. So many decisions!! But I know it's a process that takes some time.

I'm feeling a little nervous about my impending 25th H.S. Reunion set for the middle of June. Yes - 25th! I could be a grandmother! And some of my former classmates are grandparents or parents to college kids. Amazing. I don't feel anywhere close to that old. But it will, I hope, be fun catching up. It's been 5 years since the last one. At the last one, I was skinny, damn cute, and feeling pretty in charge. Now I'm closing in on my heaviest weight and feeling a little less than "super." But improving... It was very funny, I thought, to get a phone message last Friday from one of our class's biggest "stoners" who was helping to organize the reunion.

I'm really looking forward to seeing a BFP from Tracey this week!! It just has to be.

TMI

I basically blew off the afternoon today. My good girlfriend had her hair colored and I went to offer support and many ooohs and aaahs. Spectacular shade of cherry bomb red! Her hairdresser was about as warm as a light pole in Prospect Creek, Alaska. But man could she do color. I took some work-related reading materials, but only read one page - cuz I didn't want to be rude...

Monday nights are special. Heroes at 8. The Riches at 10. And then, since I'm up, I watch Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report. Uh, huh. And now it's after midnight and I should be sleepin'. But not before I let you in on 7 random and/or little known facts about me. Thanks for the tag, Meg... err, Marcy. And like Michell, I don't know 7 bloggers to tag who haven't already been tagged. Val?? You're it!! Candace?? And Jen!

1) I am a flaming, bleeding-heart liberal.
2) I wear a size 12 women's shoe!
3) I was 5'4" when I was 10.
4) I LOVE Crazy Jim's pizza and Matt's Big Breakfast! Hell, I love food.
5) I was married when I was 21, separated at 24 and divorced at 27.
6) I was valedictorian at my H.S. graduation. But obviously not smart enough (see #5).
7) My first dog's name was Tippy. My first (of thankfully only two) parakeet's name was Sam ("I think him Sam" -- I was 4). My first cat's name was Mittens. The cat gave the parakeet a heart attack. My folks gave the dog away and told me she ran away because I didn't play with her enough (my mother denies ever having said that to this day). And my dog threw the cat out the garage door's window by the tail, broke her leg, and then had to pay to fix the window and her broken leg. Whoo! Fun times.

OOps. 8) I don't know where that came from. I call re-do.

7) I was in a band from 1993 to 1994 -- backup vocals and percussion. I was "fired," but I like to blame artistic differences. The guitarist was so pissed he quit on my behalf. It is true that we had been sleeping together.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream (UPDATED)

I'm supposed to test tomorrow a.m., but I'm afraid. I expect it to be negative, but I don't want it to be... But I guess I need to move on to the next thing. I wonder, too, if I even ovulated this month. I took 100 mg clomid CD 3-5, which is twice as much as the previous two cycles. But my symptoms weren't as bad, including the ovulation cramping, which was barely there. My temp shot up the day after my +OPK, which would indicate I ovulated the same day, but then dropped a bit and went up just a little before I started the progesterone. So I'm wondering if I had an anovulatory cycle that was masked by the progesterone? I dunno what's going on. But I will test in the a.m. and move "happily" on.

I'm collecting phone #s for REs, and I'm planning to attend an adoption/foster intro meeting on the 14th (a week from next Monday!). And I will enjoy my break!

So here we go...

Update 5/4: Another test that looks exactly like the last one. *frown* I put a call in to my doc's office for advice as to whether to stop the prometrium or to come in for a blood test. (I called at 10 a.m. and got a return call at 4:45 p.m.) I'm 11 days late, 24 DPO. Doc agreed I'm not pregnant and suggested I stop taking the progesterone.

I plan to call an RE for a consultation, but I feel more and more comfortable with the idea that I will open my home to a child that is already here and needs a home. That really seems to fit with my habit of adopting strays. All of my cats were found feral kittens, and Kobi was found on the street as well, although he was obviously an escapee.

3 little letters I could do without

This was from Sunday morning. Six days late. Monday, seven days late, I called my doctor's office and asked if I shouldn't have a blood test so I could go off the prometrium. Doc, by way of her assistant, said she'd prefer I just wait until Friday. Maybe I'll start AF by then. If not, test again. If negative, which I presume it will be, then we'll decide what next. I feel bloaty and a teeny bit crampy. But absolutely no break through bleeding. At this point I'd give myself about 0.5% chance of being pregnant, but because there's that 0.5%, I won't just quit the prometrium. Need to be 100% sure.

A little frustrating (and disappointing) to say the least.

Fish or Cut Bait

I've got zero symptoms, am a day late, and tested negative on an HPT this morning. My temps are still way up, but the prometrium is probably doing that. I have 3 days of prometrium left... hopefully I'll either get a BFP or start AF by the time I run out. I'd hate to fill a prescription and only use one or two pills. I suppose I could maybe get a blood test on Friday first thing. But that might cost me more than the prescription. (Although it would seem that insurance should at least cover a pregnancy test, which is different from infertility/fertility tests...)

I'm procrastinating at the moment. I have comments due tomorrow on a proposal to renovate a small lake for native fish, and I haven't yet read the 63 page proposal... I need to get on that.

Depending, of course, on the results of this cycle, I'm leaning more and more towards foster-to-adoption. I'm thinking I'd get a placement sooner, and I know they really try to fit you with an adoptable child. And in Phoenix, AZ, I just gotta assume there are lots of those... Also, it would certainly be less expensive. ...but here I am again, making some decision and assumptions without checking it out. So I guess this will be one of the first things I check into in May if I'm not preggers.

Okay, I've procrastinated enough. Back to work!

knock, knock

If you love Will Farrell, you'll probably love this...

The kid is acting - and a true prodigy! Hopefully no one was too offended... I was a little thrown initially. It is wrong on a lot of levels, but she's also cute as hell. I do think it's wrong to exploit children or animals, but this wasn't a money gig - just a for fun gig. So I don't know...

What do you think? child abuse? just irresponsible? or just funny?

Earth Week

Been a busy one for me. Last weekend was Step It Up. Tabled at ASU West on Wednesday. Big events this weekend for Earth Day. Fighting on behalf of the planet is always a great time!

My temps have stayed up. Could be related to the prometrium. I have no symptoms - even WITH the prometrium. I should have some answers no later than mid-week next.

Good news - although it took four months, we finally sold some jewelry on our Etsy site!! A necklace, bracelet and earrings set. And the guy wants a special necklace made for his mom for Mother's Day, and another for his girlfriend for her birthday. Yay! Gives me a little incentive to get more jewelry made and listed.

Oh, way past time for bed...
But just so I'm fulfilling my responsibility as a green citizen, I want to encourage everybody to do a little something extra for the Earth this weekend, maybe start a new habit. Use canvas bags for your groceries, or reuse paper or plastic bags. Buy in bulk to reduce packaging. Eat less red meat (uses a LOT more water and land to raise a beef cow for slaughter than for other meats)--even better, go vegetarian! Go organic to reduce the pesticides and chemical fertilizers in our environment. Eat locally produced food - shorter trucking distances means less carbon emissions. Take public transit or just drive a little less. Get your car tuned up - it improves fuel efficiency. Keep your tires properly inflated - also improves gas mileage. Think before you drive and combine trips. Recycle! Turn off the faucet when you brush your teeth. Use phosphate-free laundry soaps. "If it's yellow, let it mellow - if it's brown, flush it down" (left over from the 70's). Consider using cloth diapers. Use energy efficient compact florescent light bulbs. Borrow books from the library. Buy recycled. Buy less. Volunteer for an environmental organization. And have a great weekend!!!

Mad World

According to my chart, I ovulated the same day I surged. But who knows. What I do know is my temps went up enough that I figured what the hell about the progesterone. And since then, they've gone up further. We'll see how this goes. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm still hopeful. And I feel a little more peace about it. I haven't started the other research yet... one thing at a time. Once I know how this cycle turns out, I'll proceed from there. And as much as I feel I want the entire experience of pregnancy and childbirth, I would really be fine with adoption as well.

I've been in a heckuva funk on and off for almost a year. I don't operate at my optimum when I don't have control over situations, and you have to relinquish a lot of control during TTC. I can rationalize and outwardly appear to be rolling with the punches, but inside, over time, I've been sorta falling apart, my confidence getting chipped away. I feel good that if this doesn't work out for me, I will have the option of "taking my body back" and working toward whatever solution will bring me my child.

Speaking of chips... Some of you may recall that I bought myself a new windshield for my birthday this year in January... I got a rock chip and small crack in it today! Eeesh!! I very smartly went to get it repaired right after the meeting I was driving to when it happened. The repair looks decent, too--not like a few years ago when a blob of gunk was applied to the chip. You can just barely tell where the chip is!

If you've not heard it, or don't remember the Tears for Fears version some 20 years ago, check out Gary Jules' version of Mad World -- my ode to today's shooting at Virginia Tech. It's one of my favorite sad songs.

So It Goes.

Well, this is NOT good news. My temp stayed low this morning, presumably 2DPO, or at least 3 days past my peak. I'm suppose to start a prescription of prometrium today, but I don't see the point if I didn't ovulate. I'm gonna wait until my temp goes up. But at this point, it seems this cycle was a bust, along with the $800 for sperm, shipping and supplies. I will let my blogger buddies know if things turn around and I get respectable temps tomorrow morning, but if not it looks like I'm going on a couple month hiatus. I probably will not check or contribute to other blogs as much--we'll see. I'll do some homework and try to get straightened around and report what I am thinking, finding and deciding.

If anyone needs any AI supplies - syringes and catheters - let me know! I have a bunch!! Or email me any time: tuzigoot2001 at go dot com.

So let's divide up the wealth more fairly than we have divided it up so far. Let's make sure that everybody has enough to eat, and a decent place to live, and medical help when he needs it. Let's stop spending money on weapons, which don't work anyway, thank God, and spend money on each other. It isn't moonbeams to talk of modest plenty for all... --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Goodnight, Kurt, you lucky devil. You will be missed.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

Got my surge and peak on the CBFM this a.m. and did my first AI tonight. Bought three vials for this possibly last try, so I'll do another tomorrow a.m. and the last one tomorrow night. And we'll just have to wait and see, won't we. After that, I'm really not sure.

Here's what's going on... My job that I love is going through some changes. On the one hand, it's not that big of deal, just a little restructuring--I lose my title as director, gain a better manager (I hope), reduce the range or future range/territory of my job, and (again hopefully) increase my focus. On the other hand, I feel like the rug's been pulled out, and things are not what they seemed. I'm sure I'll work through it...

But it does impact my thoughts about moving back to the Northwest, which I've always said I hope to be able to do in the next few years. I have not yet done my homework, so I know this will all start to come together when I have more information. In the meantime, I'm guessing that a foster-to-adopt program will require that I stay put for awhile... like until a child is adopted, and maybe longer. If I move just directly to adoption, I'll likely need to stay put through the process of home studies, etc.

I feel strongly that I need to stick with my work here--I've got rivers to save and groundwater laws to change... But I do love and miss my family. I'm also afraid of too much of a good thing (family, if I moved back). So I feel a little stuck in my confusion.

Welcome to the TWW, huh?

A, B, C, D, E, G... what, no F?

I am pleased to report that the clomid did not completely f*ck me up this cycle! I definitely still had a dip in mood for a couple days, but no major hell to speak of. My favorite donor wasn't available, so I went with the choice I used last time. Hoping for a cute, curly-haired little one... or any little one...

I've been really busy with work lately, and, I guess, not very "talkative" for awhile now. It might do me well to write about all I'm going through, but I feel like I want to keep it bottled up. I don't want to go on and on about the same things, the same questions, week after week... I decide and un-decide. Why pain anyone else with my indecision. But I really don't freakin' know what to do next. Leaning toward adoption. Feeling almost convinced of that. But then I start mourning not having a baby... and I haven't even done my latest/last AI yet! ugh...

SO. Kobi's doing great still. Appetite, energy, attitude - all good. It's been five months since his surgery, and still no metastasis. Yay! And the three cats are all fine. Just realized two of the kitties are eight! I found 'em just a couple months after I moved to Phoenix, and that was eight years ago February. Crazy. Can't believe I've been here that long. Wonder when I'll get back to the NW... So far no plans. My job is too cool to walk away from at this point, and I feel too invested in the campaigns I'm running. We had a front page, above the fold article with color photos in last Tuesday's paper in Prescott. Woohoo! (Can't buy that kind of advertising...)

OH - was just reminded of the one major side effect I've noticed with clomid this time... HOT FLASHES! Big time. Right now. uck...

A Little Dab'll Do Ya

I've got a plan. For my 6th and possibly final unassisted AI, I'm on the evil clomid, 100 mg, CD 3-7 (I'm on CD 5). I will order 3 vials of my old favorite donor if available for delivery next Friday in case I ovulate early or there's a problem with the shipment. I will insem. at 12, 24 & 36 hours past +OPK or thereabouts. And we'll see what happens. If it works, fabulous!!! If not, I'll take a couple months off to let my hormones and emotions settle, and to do some research into RE's, IVF, adoption and foster-to-adopt programs so I can decide next steps. I certainly hope this cycle works out for me - making me totally average (6 tries). But whether or not it does, I am looking forward to a little break. Particularly because clomid completely ravages my emotional well-being. I wish finances were not at the heart of my decision-making through much of this process. Unfortunately, I can only work with what I have, including nearly maxed out credit cards. So, yes. A break sounds heavenly - either a nine-month break of paying debts and increasing savings!! Or a couple month break to just do research and search my soul.

I feel so much better!

Googly

Finally! AF was a couple days late. I feel SO bloated and disgusting. Crazy. As late as this morning I was nauseated and there was no sign of AF. I'd catch myself thinking, "Maybe? Could it be??" But I didn't want to be disappointed, and I knew better, so I'd try to shift my thoughts and not get stuck on the possibilities. Although I did try to do a quick google search for pregnant with low BBT... Didn't see what I was looking for - namely "hope."

I'm okay, though. I'll call my doc's office tomorrow to see what she says. As my bloodwork and HSG were all normal/good, maybe I just need more help with timing - a trigger shot or something. She'll probably send me to an RE, though. I'll probably start researching that.

Although I haven't decided what's next for me exactly. I'm toying with the idea of a local known donor--I'd ask a friend. But not sure. Probably not. I dunno... BUT THANKS EVERYBODY WHO COMMENTED WITH SUPPORT AND SYMPATHY AND ADVICE!!!! It's really nice not feeling alone in this.

Could I get some chips with that dip?

Just sitting here waiting for AF to show... I had a temperature dip and spotting at 11DPO, which seemed a bit late for implantation. The temp dip also corresponded with a drop in local temperatures. I added blankets, temps went back up! Then they went down again. Below the coverline today. So I'm just waitin'...

And wondering what the hell I'm going to do next. I'd planned to do 6 at home AIs, three unmedicated, three medicated, and then move on to an RE for three tries. After that try IVF. Now, as I start cycle #6, I'm scared. This is it for the "cheap" AIs of around $600/month... Using an RE will cost at least a grand a month. And I really don't want to max out my credit cards. And IVF. I'm very worried that my advanced age will continue to count against me in the odds. And if I spend (finance) $15,000-$20,000 on IVF, then I've got nothing left for adoption if it doesn't work. I'm afraid of spending that kind of money and ending up with nothing to show for it. (I'm probably not the first woman in this situation to think this way...)

And of course it could go the other way, too. Multiples. One or two is good. Three, oh my god. Four, oh I couldn't possibly. More? And I just don't know if I could do selective reduction. How does one choose which babies to keep and which to get rid of?

I SO want to be pregnant and give birth to my baby. But at what point do I say, I can't afford to pursue it this way anymore. And move on to adoption?

I will try at least one more time at home, but then I've got some decisions to make. And it's hard. And it sucks. And I wish I'd gotten started with this 10 years ago. Except that I wasn't ready then, and I am now. So...

I'd joined SMC a couple months ago and got the packet to contact local members. Finally reached them today and will be going to my first monthly meeting in a couple weeks. It's the same group that "Margie with triplets born 3/6" belongs to. It will be great to make some local single mom friends.

And although I love my blog buddies, I'm not much enjoying the NW board lately. The dynamics have definitely changed. And maybe it's also because there've been so many BFPs lately (no offense Michelle, Jen... I REALLY AM HAPPY FOR YOU LADIES!)--and all the newbies getting knocked up right and left. Granted, I'd have been ecstatic to have gotten a BFP my first or second time, or third or fourth... you get the idea. Of course I'll be excited whenever and however I get my little one.

What's next? Stay tuned... and I'll try to be a better blogger.

One Mean Mother

It's hot. Really f'ing hot!! It's been close to 100 for the last two days. This past winter was the hottest on record globally. And it looks like spring is going to be pretty brutal as well. I HATE summer in the SW... and it's only March. If I didn't love my work, and the abuse, I'd be back home in the NW.

Abuse. I knew it was going to be a rough meeting, but I went into it with a positive attitude knowing this was just part of the job. It was a Forest Service scoping meeting about opening some roads into an endangered bird's habitat. The "locals," apparently all ORV enthusiasts, insisted they should be able to drive wherever they want whenever they want--screw the critters. My differing opinion was met with such comments as "get a life" and "you tree-huggers, you should all be shot." Her name was Marge, and she was probably a 75-year-old grandma. I asked her to have some respect. She emphatically said "no." Fun times.

Went to a Pakistani kite festival today. There were maybe 50 people there; four food vendors, including the Vienna Beef hot dog guy; one retail vendor with tops, purses, earrings, shoes and pillow covers; and one kite occasionally flying furiously in the air. I went with a friend who's been to the festival, called Basant Mela, in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park where thousands of festival-goers feast on delicious Indian and Pakistani dishes, fly kites, and party. This was not that. But at least nobody had their throat slit. We celebrated after about a half hour of disappointment at a nearby Indian restaurant and partook of a delicious buffet. I was completely satiated.

And then I came home for a nap. I've been an utter lump ever since. I'll have to do all my laundry and house work tomorrow, I guess. I've been fairly oblivious to the TWW until today. I'm about a week down. I'll probably test next Saturday at 12 DPO. That's too long to wait and entirely unfair. But oh, well...

Briefs or Bikinis... or Thongs?

Just wanted to jump on here and let ya'll know I'm feeling really good. Back to my ol' self. Work's going great, I'm kickin' ass, and having fun doing it. (Some days there's nothing better than being a self-righteous activist...)

My AIs went perfect Sunday and Monday, and my temp soared this morning and confirmed that I'd ovulated. Let's hope this new-to-me sperm does the trick! I've got so much going on that the TWW shouldn't be too difficult. I imagine I'll wake up the day after Earth Day (April 22) and wonder where I'm at in my cycle... Joking, I'm way too obsessive for that.

Well, this is a short one... I'm tired, and Kobi's already in bed, probably asleep. OOH! One of these days I'm going to remember to record him barking to get me to let him into our room so he can go to bed and figure out how to post it here. He's quite insistent. Funny, though, it's the exact same bark he uses when he wants his food and when he wants out. I'll record all three and we'll see if we can't figure out if there's any differences between the barks... G'night!

Waiting on a wonder

I did finally dig out of my depths of despair and rejoin humanity!! Thanks, all. Boy I hope I don't have to do clomid again. It truly wrecked me this time. But, like I said, I feel better now, and more positive and rational and hopeful.

I JUST finished my first AI for this cycle. And it felt a bit more skilled and problem-free this time. Or maybe I just didn't worry as much. Whatever it was, I feel good. Switched donors this cycle and hope that it makes a difference. I'm having a little ovulation discomfort, but not the cramping yet. I planned to start using OPKs today, but my monitor went to peak today so... AI'd tonight at about 13.5 hours past monitor peak. I'll do it again in the morning at about 24 hours past... or wait until noon for 29 hours past. I keep trying to change up my timing a little to maybe better nail the egg. But it's such a crapshoot, so who knows. At least I feel like I'm doing everything I can think of to make this work.

I bought syringes and catheters this week. Not sure when I'll get them. I'll have an overabundance of syringes, so if anybody needs some, let me know--I bought 100. I'm splitting the 50 catheter purchase with somebody, and will only have 25 for myself... hahaha. Yeah. I don't plan on doing this for another full year, but I can't tell you today how long I may keep it up. I'll let you know if I decide I can part with a catheter or two.

I had breakfast this morning with a friend at my favorite place -- Matt's Big Breakfast. (Jen, it's on 1st St & McKinley if you haven't been there.) Fabulous stuff - lots of organic vegetables, cage-free eggs and local preserves. Very yummy. Made my weekend complete! (Picture to right and above are of Matt's taken a couple weeks ago.)

Kobi (thanks for asking, Michell) is doing great! His mouth is completely healed. That's not to say that the cancer won't regrow because the margins weren't clean, but it doesn't appear to be growing yet, and all the tissue looks really healthy. I feel more and more hopeful that he'll be hanging around for at least another 6 months to a year or more! I'm glad we didn't do chemotherapy. He continues to have lots of energy and a great appetite. And he hasn't coughed at all in a couple weeks.
Mom is doing well, and my dad will be able to go with her to Boston for the exam and hopefully treatment of her pancreatic cysts. Which means she'll be well-taken care of, and I can stay here and speak at a gathering outside the legislature instead. Mom's appt. is a week from Tuesday. My little sister is having cysts removed from her breast this coming Thursday. I feel bad that I'm so far away. But I'll just be here waiting out my two weeks and trying not to stress too much.

Okay, feels like the cramping is coming. Let's hope for at least 2 good cage-free eggs to fertilize!

Anybody seen my dancing shoes?

Clomid is kicking my ass... If I thought I was dealing with depression before, I had no idea. Clomid last cycle was tough, but OMG. Yeah, a little headache. Yeah, hot flashes. But dark, unbending, oppressive sadness... definitely more so this time than last. THANKFULLY, tonight is my last dose for this cycle. Then I can move onto the fun of inseminating in a week, followed by two weeks of waiting. Woohoo!!

This is a tough row. Wish it was easier, quicker...

I am trying to follow the Stoneage anti-depression methods, have been getting exercise, taking Omega-3, talking to friends and family, getting 8 hours sleep, trying to think good thoughts not always successfully... but am having trouble getting 30 minutes of sunshine. Not because there isn't sun. There's LOTS of sun here. I just haven't felt like going out and enjoying it. Maybe tomorrow...

Kobi's got another follow-up with his oncologist tomorrow. He seems like he's doing pretty well, so I'm not expecting there will be any news. We'll keep on with the herbs, and I'll keep being thankful that he's still hangin' out with me. My cutie pie...

Inny or Outy?

I have an inny, but I'm outy... spotting now and expect to be ridin' the red wave in the next several hours. On to cycle #5. I read the average # of tries is 6, so I've got a couple to go to be average. And being in my 40s, I expect to be a little above average. I'd really like it to be sooner than later, though, you know?

I commented on someone else's blog today that I actually felt a little relief at not being pregnant along with my sadness of the same situation. I have been reading those books about what's to come, and along with being very informative, they're pretty scary and eye-opening. I mean, I know it'll be tough. I know it'll be lonely. I know it will be the biggest challenge I've ever faced. I also know it will be the most rewarding and life-changing thing I'll ever do. Yep. I've been contemplating this for a couple years, and really seriously considering for over a year. Charting for eight months. Trying for four cycles. Not sure I'm completely comfortable with feeling relief about not being pregnant this far into it. And I fully intend to try again. And I fully intend to hope I'm pregnant as I did this past cycle. And, I guess, I hope my feelings at the end of the next cycle, whether pregnant or not, make more sense to me--leave me feeling more confident that this is still the right decision for me. I know it is. But crap!

More pixies!

Kobi wanted to go to bed early the other night... (he goes to my bedroom door and starts barking)

Here he is laid out, sweet puppy.

He's telling me "Enough John Stewart! Let's go to bed!!"



And completely off-topic... Kobi's favorite artwork. My friend Indigo Verton, who runs The Red Door gallery in Phoenix, did a show of these fabulous photos of wigs, black and whites that she colorized. I have these hanging in Kobi's boudoir.