Googly

Finally! AF was a couple days late. I feel SO bloated and disgusting. Crazy. As late as this morning I was nauseated and there was no sign of AF. I'd catch myself thinking, "Maybe? Could it be??" But I didn't want to be disappointed, and I knew better, so I'd try to shift my thoughts and not get stuck on the possibilities. Although I did try to do a quick google search for pregnant with low BBT... Didn't see what I was looking for - namely "hope."

I'm okay, though. I'll call my doc's office tomorrow to see what she says. As my bloodwork and HSG were all normal/good, maybe I just need more help with timing - a trigger shot or something. She'll probably send me to an RE, though. I'll probably start researching that.

Although I haven't decided what's next for me exactly. I'm toying with the idea of a local known donor--I'd ask a friend. But not sure. Probably not. I dunno... BUT THANKS EVERYBODY WHO COMMENTED WITH SUPPORT AND SYMPATHY AND ADVICE!!!! It's really nice not feeling alone in this.

Could I get some chips with that dip?

Just sitting here waiting for AF to show... I had a temperature dip and spotting at 11DPO, which seemed a bit late for implantation. The temp dip also corresponded with a drop in local temperatures. I added blankets, temps went back up! Then they went down again. Below the coverline today. So I'm just waitin'...

And wondering what the hell I'm going to do next. I'd planned to do 6 at home AIs, three unmedicated, three medicated, and then move on to an RE for three tries. After that try IVF. Now, as I start cycle #6, I'm scared. This is it for the "cheap" AIs of around $600/month... Using an RE will cost at least a grand a month. And I really don't want to max out my credit cards. And IVF. I'm very worried that my advanced age will continue to count against me in the odds. And if I spend (finance) $15,000-$20,000 on IVF, then I've got nothing left for adoption if it doesn't work. I'm afraid of spending that kind of money and ending up with nothing to show for it. (I'm probably not the first woman in this situation to think this way...)

And of course it could go the other way, too. Multiples. One or two is good. Three, oh my god. Four, oh I couldn't possibly. More? And I just don't know if I could do selective reduction. How does one choose which babies to keep and which to get rid of?

I SO want to be pregnant and give birth to my baby. But at what point do I say, I can't afford to pursue it this way anymore. And move on to adoption?

I will try at least one more time at home, but then I've got some decisions to make. And it's hard. And it sucks. And I wish I'd gotten started with this 10 years ago. Except that I wasn't ready then, and I am now. So...

I'd joined SMC a couple months ago and got the packet to contact local members. Finally reached them today and will be going to my first monthly meeting in a couple weeks. It's the same group that "Margie with triplets born 3/6" belongs to. It will be great to make some local single mom friends.

And although I love my blog buddies, I'm not much enjoying the NW board lately. The dynamics have definitely changed. And maybe it's also because there've been so many BFPs lately (no offense Michelle, Jen... I REALLY AM HAPPY FOR YOU LADIES!)--and all the newbies getting knocked up right and left. Granted, I'd have been ecstatic to have gotten a BFP my first or second time, or third or fourth... you get the idea. Of course I'll be excited whenever and however I get my little one.

What's next? Stay tuned... and I'll try to be a better blogger.

One Mean Mother

It's hot. Really f'ing hot!! It's been close to 100 for the last two days. This past winter was the hottest on record globally. And it looks like spring is going to be pretty brutal as well. I HATE summer in the SW... and it's only March. If I didn't love my work, and the abuse, I'd be back home in the NW.

Abuse. I knew it was going to be a rough meeting, but I went into it with a positive attitude knowing this was just part of the job. It was a Forest Service scoping meeting about opening some roads into an endangered bird's habitat. The "locals," apparently all ORV enthusiasts, insisted they should be able to drive wherever they want whenever they want--screw the critters. My differing opinion was met with such comments as "get a life" and "you tree-huggers, you should all be shot." Her name was Marge, and she was probably a 75-year-old grandma. I asked her to have some respect. She emphatically said "no." Fun times.

Went to a Pakistani kite festival today. There were maybe 50 people there; four food vendors, including the Vienna Beef hot dog guy; one retail vendor with tops, purses, earrings, shoes and pillow covers; and one kite occasionally flying furiously in the air. I went with a friend who's been to the festival, called Basant Mela, in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park where thousands of festival-goers feast on delicious Indian and Pakistani dishes, fly kites, and party. This was not that. But at least nobody had their throat slit. We celebrated after about a half hour of disappointment at a nearby Indian restaurant and partook of a delicious buffet. I was completely satiated.

And then I came home for a nap. I've been an utter lump ever since. I'll have to do all my laundry and house work tomorrow, I guess. I've been fairly oblivious to the TWW until today. I'm about a week down. I'll probably test next Saturday at 12 DPO. That's too long to wait and entirely unfair. But oh, well...

Briefs or Bikinis... or Thongs?

Just wanted to jump on here and let ya'll know I'm feeling really good. Back to my ol' self. Work's going great, I'm kickin' ass, and having fun doing it. (Some days there's nothing better than being a self-righteous activist...)

My AIs went perfect Sunday and Monday, and my temp soared this morning and confirmed that I'd ovulated. Let's hope this new-to-me sperm does the trick! I've got so much going on that the TWW shouldn't be too difficult. I imagine I'll wake up the day after Earth Day (April 22) and wonder where I'm at in my cycle... Joking, I'm way too obsessive for that.

Well, this is a short one... I'm tired, and Kobi's already in bed, probably asleep. OOH! One of these days I'm going to remember to record him barking to get me to let him into our room so he can go to bed and figure out how to post it here. He's quite insistent. Funny, though, it's the exact same bark he uses when he wants his food and when he wants out. I'll record all three and we'll see if we can't figure out if there's any differences between the barks... G'night!

Waiting on a wonder

I did finally dig out of my depths of despair and rejoin humanity!! Thanks, all. Boy I hope I don't have to do clomid again. It truly wrecked me this time. But, like I said, I feel better now, and more positive and rational and hopeful.

I JUST finished my first AI for this cycle. And it felt a bit more skilled and problem-free this time. Or maybe I just didn't worry as much. Whatever it was, I feel good. Switched donors this cycle and hope that it makes a difference. I'm having a little ovulation discomfort, but not the cramping yet. I planned to start using OPKs today, but my monitor went to peak today so... AI'd tonight at about 13.5 hours past monitor peak. I'll do it again in the morning at about 24 hours past... or wait until noon for 29 hours past. I keep trying to change up my timing a little to maybe better nail the egg. But it's such a crapshoot, so who knows. At least I feel like I'm doing everything I can think of to make this work.

I bought syringes and catheters this week. Not sure when I'll get them. I'll have an overabundance of syringes, so if anybody needs some, let me know--I bought 100. I'm splitting the 50 catheter purchase with somebody, and will only have 25 for myself... hahaha. Yeah. I don't plan on doing this for another full year, but I can't tell you today how long I may keep it up. I'll let you know if I decide I can part with a catheter or two.

I had breakfast this morning with a friend at my favorite place -- Matt's Big Breakfast. (Jen, it's on 1st St & McKinley if you haven't been there.) Fabulous stuff - lots of organic vegetables, cage-free eggs and local preserves. Very yummy. Made my weekend complete! (Picture to right and above are of Matt's taken a couple weeks ago.)

Kobi (thanks for asking, Michell) is doing great! His mouth is completely healed. That's not to say that the cancer won't regrow because the margins weren't clean, but it doesn't appear to be growing yet, and all the tissue looks really healthy. I feel more and more hopeful that he'll be hanging around for at least another 6 months to a year or more! I'm glad we didn't do chemotherapy. He continues to have lots of energy and a great appetite. And he hasn't coughed at all in a couple weeks.
Mom is doing well, and my dad will be able to go with her to Boston for the exam and hopefully treatment of her pancreatic cysts. Which means she'll be well-taken care of, and I can stay here and speak at a gathering outside the legislature instead. Mom's appt. is a week from Tuesday. My little sister is having cysts removed from her breast this coming Thursday. I feel bad that I'm so far away. But I'll just be here waiting out my two weeks and trying not to stress too much.

Okay, feels like the cramping is coming. Let's hope for at least 2 good cage-free eggs to fertilize!

Anybody seen my dancing shoes?

Clomid is kicking my ass... If I thought I was dealing with depression before, I had no idea. Clomid last cycle was tough, but OMG. Yeah, a little headache. Yeah, hot flashes. But dark, unbending, oppressive sadness... definitely more so this time than last. THANKFULLY, tonight is my last dose for this cycle. Then I can move onto the fun of inseminating in a week, followed by two weeks of waiting. Woohoo!!

This is a tough row. Wish it was easier, quicker...

I am trying to follow the Stoneage anti-depression methods, have been getting exercise, taking Omega-3, talking to friends and family, getting 8 hours sleep, trying to think good thoughts not always successfully... but am having trouble getting 30 minutes of sunshine. Not because there isn't sun. There's LOTS of sun here. I just haven't felt like going out and enjoying it. Maybe tomorrow...

Kobi's got another follow-up with his oncologist tomorrow. He seems like he's doing pretty well, so I'm not expecting there will be any news. We'll keep on with the herbs, and I'll keep being thankful that he's still hangin' out with me. My cutie pie...