Tuesday, January 30, 2007

TTC Cycle #4, CD1

Yep. On to the next cycle. #4 is not bad... it's still early in the game, huh? As soon as AF showed, I called the doc's office to schedule my bloodwork and get my script for clomid. I will do a clomid challenge test to check ovarian reserves... blood tests on CD 3 & 10, clomid CD 5-9. I also called the x-ray/imaging place to set up my HSG test for CD 8, a week from today.

That's a funny story. Last month when I decided with my doc that I would do the HSG, I called around for prices. The place she referred me to was going to be $750 out of pocket, because my fabulous Blue Cross Blue Shield will not cover anything remotely "infertility" related. I thanked the people, but kept calling. Several hopeful potential places don't--never did or no longer do--HSG tests. Finally found one, and they said their price was $78. I laughed, he grew uncomfortable... I got his billing department phone number and called them. No, sorry, they don't do HSGs. Well yeah, they do. They were ready to set the appointment and quoted me a (ridiculously low) price. No, we don't do HSGs. Yeah, you do. Who's your boss... So I call the boss. We don't do HSGs. Well then why did that office quote me a price and prepare to schedule me for it?? Oh. Let me call you back...

About a half hour later, the billing department manager called me back (in her husky "I smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day" voice, and I'm picturing the lines around her lips, poorly died hair, and leathery skin--it's okay, I'm a former smoker) to say what do you know? That office DOES do HSGs and here're the prices... maybe... $133. Oh, I'd also gotten the medical codes from the first $750 place and compared procedure codes with the cheaper place. The $133 place only uses two of the four codes - no anesthetic and no charge for the catheter/tray.

When I called today to schedule the procedure and asked for the price, it had jumped to $230... My fault, I guess. I told them the competitor charges $750. They'd remembered my call.

I'm all set for cycle #4. Hopefully. I ordered shipment of my last two of nine vials from NWAC. They're set to arrive two days after my HSG test. I'll likely be doing AI between that weekend and the following Tuesday. Unless Clomid really screws me up and delays my ovulation date, which I hear can happen. And as long as my HSG test shows clear fallopian tubes and no problems. Of course the results of the blood tests will be important, too, but won't necessarily change my course of action. Not this month, anyway.

Hopefully I take after my mother and am "biologically ten years younger than my age..." I'll leave the significance of that revelation to another post. ((I'm thinking about you Mom, and I love you.))


Oh, hell. Kobi just coughed again tonight. That's a couple times this week. I dread the idea that his cancer has reached his lungs. He's still eating really well, and his energy is good. The coughing is not consistent, but considering that he normally rarely coughs, twice in just a couple days really scares me. Damn. A friend of mine from work had to pound on her dog's chest this weekend to keep his heart beating... They had a vet appointment today, but I haven't heard whether the vet prescribed a different heart medication or ?? It's so scary and so sad... And makes me cry. And I'm not sure if it's because I feel scared for Jack, sad for my friend, or scared and sad for Kobi and I... probably all of the above.

Sorry to end on a sad series of notes (you have no idea)... I really am hopeful, although awfully crampy and bloated at the moment, about my TTC. I'm sure I'll face whatever Kobi & I have to face as well as can be expected. And the rest, well, will be however it's suppose to be. I'll just hope for the best. Love...

Friday, January 26, 2007

cuddles

These guys were all snuggled up the other day and I had the wherewithal to grab the new camera I'm still not quite used to having... Cute, no?

I'm 10 DPO today and still SICK! My head kills, and the congestion's turned me into a mouth breather. Hatin' it.

I've got zero symptoms, but that hasn't stopped me from testing already. My cheapie internet HPTs showed up in the mail yesterday and I put 'em to use this morning. BFN. It's okay. It's not over yet.

Update 1/28: 12 DPO. Another BFN. No AF yet, but not due until Tuesday.

Update 1/29: 13 DPO. Temp dropped below coverline this morning. I expect AF later today or tomorrow. Won't use an HPT today. I'll post later or tomorrow if AF shows.

I am feeling better. Yesterday I even did some work in the yard, cleaned my kitchen and did laundry. Feel okay today, too. Still congested. Still coughing. But not weak or achy. :)

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

First (week) down on the second yard line...

7 DPO. Not a single symptom. But I can barely feel anything past the flu. My throat is sore and swollen. Sinuses over productive. I'm achy and warm and coughing and my head hurts. Since Saturday afternoon. Yesterday was probably the worst. But today is a close second. I'm trying to be good to myself, get plenty of rest, drink lots of fluids, etc. Hope like hell that the couple acetaminophen and benadryl I've taken don't cause any problems with implantation or cell development. Bleh...

I am using the progesterone cream again this cycle, but not quite as much as I used last cycle. Instead of 1-1/2 pumps 2x/day, I'm just using a single pump 2x/day. I'm not having any breast tenderness at this point. I'm hoping this dosage is enough to help without giving me the crazy pregnancy symptoms I had last month (nausea to the point that a normally yummy $15 entree was completely inedible).

I am hopeful that this cycle will result in a BFP! I felt good about the AIs and the timing. A little concerned that I'm sick when some important stuff is suppose to be happening... I'll probably test on Saturday or Sunday (11-12 DPO) if my internet cheapie HPTs arrive in time. Otherwise I'll wait and buy a two pack of the First Response or something and try Sunday and again on 14 DPO, Tuesday one week from today, if no AF in sight.

My mom told me that my grandmother was five months pregnant with my uncle before she knew she was pregnant! Apparently she still had what appeared to her to be her period for the first 5 months. That was about 67 years ago. Grandma is now 97!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

So I have a big belly... now what?

I'm 4 DPO. This morning, after a day of eating tremendous amounts of bread products--I think that's three days in a row now--my still full belly was rounded as if I was pregnant. And even though I'm not pregnant yet (as in even if my egg was fertilized, it hasn't yet had an opportunity to implant), I get to fantasize just the tiniest bit that my full belly is baby. Stupid, right?

I don't think I've been gaining weight in order to look or feel more pregnant, that would really be "touched." Bread is my comfort food. Today it was croissants. The couple days before, it was a yummy little loaf of dried apricot and raw almond bread with goat cheese (from Willo Bakery, a local shop). The couple days before that it was my favorite pizza from Crazy Jim's: artichoke heart, fresh tomato and feta cheese. Okay, I like cheese almost as much as I like bread. WOW - I've really been on a feeding frenzy!

I'd been so good after I got back from vacation/the holidays. Well, not the first week. But then I bought a bunch of whole, fresh, organic foods - fruits, vegetables, grains, tofu... Spent less than I usually do on groceries, but made some terrific dishes! I made a delicious eggplant & red pepper with spicy peanut sauce (thanks, Moosewood!) and an orange, fennel & celery salad. Also had broccoli, tofu and brown rice a couple nights.

But this past week, it's been nothing but bread or heavy carbs. Yikes! And my belly is pleasantly full.

Normally, a full belly is not my favored state. I like a strong core. But this whole TTC effort has really pushed me toward being okay with a soft, motherly state. I hope I can get a legitimately swollen belly soon! And that I don't end up weighing 250 before this is over!!!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Running with camera (still 2 DPO)

All the babies...

Hannibal is the black & white on the left.













Socket (aka One-eye, aka Peanut) is the fluffy tabby below.






















Cataract (aka Gray-girl) is the beautiful HUGE gray kitty.












And of course, my handsome boy, Kobi.

Running with scissors 2 DPO

Nothin' to report. Except I cut my bangs too short. Here's the deal. I saw shots of Reese Witherspoon at the Golden Globes, with her fresh, blown out layered cut with "modern" bangs... I loved the cut and thought, "I could do that... I've done that before..." And went straight to the bathroom, and grabbed the scissors. I always cut my own hair, so wasn't nervous at all. Everything was great... except the bangs. Crooked. So I straightened them. Sorta. So trimmed some more... another 1/8 inch. Suddenly they were/are about a half inch ABOVE my eyebrows. OUCH. Oh well. They'll be perfect in a month.

In my last post I talked about my TTC plans. Candace asked about IVF. I mostly don't think too much about what next except maybe a month out, so I haven't decided definitively for or against IVF as an option. Besides the fact that it's an incredibly expensive option, although less than half as much as adoption, it's not a sure bet. I have thought that if I couldn't commit to trying at least two IVF's if necessary, then maybe I shouldn't do it. Makes more sense to me to lose $15000 for two tries than to waste $7500 on only a single try... Notice the weighted language biases. But I don't know for sure.

The very generalized plan is three tries unmedicated (now on 3rd try), three tries medicated (meaning clomid), three tries more aggressive medicated, and then, maybe, IVF. If I move to adoption, it would possibly be foster to adopt, although that's difficult to contemplate. And I might put that off a couple years. I'm afraid of losing a child I'd grown to love. But we'll see. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm working on getting a virtual "store" put together for my mom's and my jewelry. Putting my new camera to good use! (Still trying to figure that out.) I may include a link here every once in awhile, or put a permanent link on the side. Check it out: www.fthdesigns.etsy.com. Etsy is an incredibly cool website dedicated to hand-crafted items. I've bought a few gifts from various sellers there & I love it!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Today's the day, apparently...

AI #3. Not sure why I'm ovulating early this month, but so says the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and the Ovulation Prediction Kit test strips. The OV-Watch has let me down for the second month in a row. Or my LH surge is "early," if that's possible. (The OV-Watch detects the sodium chloride surge which precedes an estrogen surge and finally an LH surge. The OV-W is 86% accurate.)

At any rate, I'm AI'ing tonight by about 10 pm, and tomorrow around noon. And we'll see what happens.

But I already have my plan for next month... On the day my period starts (if it does), I will call my doc's and get my order for bloodwork and script for clomid for a clomid challenge test (pills CD 5-9, blood tests on CD 3 and 10 to check hormone levels that indicate egg reserves). I will also call the radiology/imaging service to schedule my HSG test (normally between CD 7 and 10). The HSG test uses a catheter to place a contrast dye in the uterus and then into the fallopian tubes. An x-ray shows any blockages, polyps, or other problems that can affect fertility. Just to rule things out... AND hopefully jumpstart this thing!

Unless, of course, this cycle works!!! Hope, hope, hope...

Friday, January 12, 2007

Unintended Consequences

And sometimes they're even a good thing.

Before I started TTC, I told my mom what I was planning to do and asked her what she thought... if it was okay. She said, "...it's never wrong to want a baby." I was so relieved. I didn't need to explain myself. She just understood. Hell, my doctor even wanted to know WHY I wanted to have a baby. Mom was just there, completely behind me.

I forgot that when I let some silly comment get to me last week. (Progesterone cream SUCKS! Can't wait 'til I'm pregnant and those crazy hormones have their way with me.) Even in my forgetting, though, I knew it was there. I know my family loves me unconditionally. I forget sometimes. But it's a great gift when remembered.

Here's a pic of Kobi and I (also posted on the NW site). Notice my death grip on his collar? He was all over the place!!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

New Camera!!


Brand new camera - my birthday present from my parents (THANKS MOM & DAD!!) - arrived today and I couldn't wait to try it out. First up, KOBI! At this angle he looks pretty small for an 85 lb. dog!

Second up, KOBI again!! He's a pretty handsome old man! Although I think he looks a little bit sad here. It's only because the camera wasn't food...

Kobi had a good appointment with his oncologist today! She said the tissue in his mouth was healing up very well and that there was no sign of a tumor visible!! That doesn't mean the cancer is gone, but it does mean it's not currently an issue as far as growth or discomfort. We're going back to the herbs, cutting back on one of them. Hopefully things will stay good for awhile!!!

Monday, January 08, 2007

Off the Pot

Okay, I'm completely off the pity pot and have moved on with life. Well, at least the birthday pity pot... I'm sure I'll find something else to feel blue about in the coming minutes, days, weeks... as well as things to be overjoyed with!

Super THANK-YOU's to everyone for being so sweet & empathetic!! It would have been tougher without you!

I had a pretty stressful day with a big meeting that I was basically in charge of putting together--although I've never done one quite like that. And I didn't do it very well. But the end results will likely be better than had no meeting taken place, and I'm okay with that. Hopefully I learned a thing or two about getting agendas out in advance and about communicating with potential adversaries. 'Cuz it would suck to have to learn it twice!

On the hour and a half drive to and from the meeting with my boss, he asked about my TTC. I'd confessed to him on a prior trip, before I'd started, and he was cool about it. (In addition to his work as a conservationist, he's also a doctor.) He has two little boys of his own, and has been having some challenges with the oldest and with his spouse. Although he supports my decision, he felt it necessary to remind me how difficult parenting is, and said he couldn't imagine doing it alone. He scared me a little... particularly on the heels of my not-perfectly-planned meeting. Maybe I can't do it! But I didn't stay there... it was a fairly fleeting fear.

Then when I got home I got to listen to myself on the radio! I'd done an interview about an Arizona river back in October with the BBC. They planned to air it after the elections... apparently WELL AFTER. I'd gotten an email from a member in New York who said they'd heard it, so I listened to this evening's BBC World Report (it's aired from 6:30-7 pm in AZ). And at 6:55pm, there it was. It also ran all over Europe last weekend--I heard from somebody else, who heard from somebody in Scotland... Pretty cool! If I wasn't so skitchy about just anyone tuning into this blog finding out where I work/my identity, I'd put a link to the story here... (sorry! Get your interest piqued and then hold back...)

A little good... a little not so good. Just another day in this 43-year-old's journey to become a single mother. CD 5, by the way. I've GOT to remember to call NW tomorrow and request my shipment!! I'm still going au naturale for this cycle. Will likely start meds in cycle 4.

Friday, January 05, 2007

WAAAAHHH!!

It's totally wrong for me to complain, right? But my birthday had a sorta crappy ending...

Besides the beautiful ladies who read my blog, only my sister, Dad, Mom, a lady I work with in Tucson, and a guy I asked to never contact me again remembered my birthday and called or sent me emails.

Now I know why I plan my own birthday parties.

So after work, since I had nothing better to do, I went to a Bureau of Reclamation public meeting. Okay, more work. Then I took myself to dinner. Decided to go to this fabulous Mexican restaurant, Barrio Cafe. They now have valet parking and a waiting list. Joy. I thought about maybe going elsewhere--less of a hassle--but I've had a couple great meals there in the past. They only have one meat-free dinner, a mushroom enchilada, and a couple vegetarian-friendly ala carte items. I've had the enchiladas before and loved them, so ordered again. And a side spinach salad. The salad was incredible. The enchiladas looked delectable. But I took one bite. Sticky. Salty. I took a bite from another side of the dish and thought I would gag. (I wonder if it was really that bad? Or maybe it was my cold or the progesterone fake preggo symptoms...)

I sent it back and got these tiny little boring mini quesadillas instead. Disappointing, but edible. Bleh. It WAS the first time I ever sent a meal back! So that was something. But I still paid too much for a less than satisfying meal that left me nauseous.

Then I talked to my mom on the phone. You know how every once in awhile you talk to someone and the conversation is just screwed up? At one point my mom said something to the effect that I would only be trying to TTC for a couple more months and then, apparently failing, could get back to my life. That's not completely the story, and she was laughing and being silly. But it really struck me as kinda cruel and careless. I took it as though she doesn't support me in this after all. And it hurt. I asked her if she was drunk. (Was that mean?) But when I think back a couple hours later, it's possible she was just in a silly mood and was being playful and it just came off completely wrong.

But in the meantime I was really sad. I cried when I got home. And then I went to the bathroom, and AF was there. See? Crappy.

Normally I would've just complained to a close friend, but my close friend forgot my birthday and made plans with her parents instead. So I'm here, agonizing over whether or not to complain in my blog. Especially because someone I love, like my friend or my mom, might read this and know I was sad and hurt. (But then again, if they read it, they'd know it was my birthday and how much I want to have a baby.)

It's not my birthday anymore. And I'm no longer upset. I just wish the day went a little different.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Practically Practical

Guess what I bought myself for my birthday?!! A new windshield! Yep... Was going to wash my car for my birthday (okay, everything that happens on my birthday is "for" my birthday...). I found the really cheap drive through with convenient long-hose vacuums that my friend told me about. Of COURSE I was approached by a windshield salesperson... I have one DOOZY of a crack that runs in all directions so they can't miss me -- seriously: across, up and down both ends. I'd gotten a quote of $208 a year or so ago... when it wasn't quite so big. Today's quote was $199. Wasn't going to do it, but then I thought I'd ask for a birthday discount. $175. I wrote them a check. They should be here later today to install it. (I have liability insurance only, no autoglass coverage. Still a rip-off, but the best rip-off I've been quoted so far...)

I also bought myself a green tea latte with soymilk and a pumpkin scone at Starbuck's for my birthday. I shared the unfrosted underside of the scone with Kobi. He's a very happy boy.

I got a digital camera package from my folks for my birthday. Actually, I bought it on ebay, told them how much it was and they wrote me a check. I should get the camera next Tuesday at which point you can bet there'll be more pictures on my blog!!! I'm REALLY excited.

It's after noon, and what I HAVEN'T gotten so far for my birthday is AF or a BFP. I tested yesterday and don't plan on testing again today (15 DPO). I really don't think I'm pregnant--my temp dropped below coverline today. But if for some bizarre reason I still haven't started by tomorrow, I'll go buy another hpt. This progesterone cream has probably jacked me up more than I thought it would. I had the nausea again today around 8:30 until 9, but still have the cold and took the prenatal on an empty stomach. I know. Really should change up the experiment if I want answers.

So, Happy Birthday to ME! Thanks everyone who has sent me birthday wishes the last few days here and on NWAC!! It means so much to me to have such sweet care and support!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

What do I know... ?

13 DPO. I was so sure I would start my period today. Maybe that was just pessimism. Other than the slightest amount of spotting this morning, maybe left over from yesterday, nothin'. I think I'll do another home pregnancy test (hpt) in the morning if there's still no sign. I could wait until Thursday, but I won't.

I've got a cold/sinus infection. My head feels HUGE! I felt absolutely crappy today, but am a little bit better this evening after taking some acetaminophen. I had some nausea during late morning, but thought maybe that was from either sinus drainage or from taking my prenatal vitamin on an empty stomach. If it happens again tomorrow with no sign of AF, I'm gonna start thinking it's a sign...

The good thing about AF showing is I'd be able to take cold medicine with impunity (for at least a day or two--get me over the hump). Even better, though, would be to get a BFP for my b-day. Pretty please? I would SO trade comfort and a clear, normal-sized head for a swollen belly bump.

1/3 Update: BFN, temp drop, but still above coverline, still sick...

Monday, January 01, 2007

A New Year, Another Year

January 1, 2007. In three days, I turn 43. It's time to take stock and prep for 2007 and my 44th year on earth.

But first, a brief TTC update: 12 DPO. Some slight spotting today. I tested yesterday and got a BFN. I'm not "feelin' it" and expect AF to show tomorrow (a day early). I've been using progesterone cream since the day after my AI, which I thought would possibly cause my luteal phase to lengthen, or at least stay the same. We'll see.

In 2006 I decided to pursue having a baby on my own. I made that decision at the start of the year, and did my first AI in November. I wish I could line up a bunch of accomplishments, but other than some work related successes, my world sucked a little. It was a tough year for Kobi and me. My hopes to have my debts paid by last June were dashed by only February, and they were doubled instead, and have since been doubled again. I'd also planned to keep my body baby-ready throughout the year, but I let Kobi's illnesses and the fact that he couldn't run with me break into my routine. I quit running early in the year. I started eating more comfort foods again. By year end, I think I gained back about 30 pounds.

But I want to keep it positive here... I did move forward with my dream of being a mother--a dream that will change my life completely forever. And I certainly don't want to dwell on the negative. I can lose weight. Do you know how many times I've lost weight? Yeah. A bit of a yo-yo, I am. NOW is not the time to lose weight, but I can revamp my eating and stop gaining weight. I know how to eat healthy. It's just time to do it. A perfect time to do it.

I am beginning this year completely single (apparently and decidedly--still no word from you know who, and if he did call, I wouldn't have any room for him). And I am fine with remaining single throughout the year. But there's a couple of things I'd like to make happen this coming year.

Goals for 2007: Baby. Good physical health. As many fabulous days with Kobi as we can get. Jewelry business off the ground. A water pipeline stopped or significantly mitigated (long story, but my most important work goal).

It's going to be a very full, very busy year. I have a lovely family: parents, sister and two nieces. I have fabulous friends in Phoenix, in Portland and "here" in cyberspace. I have what I need to create a great and fulfilling year and life for myself.

This is gonna be good.