Can we say "vacation"?

Yep, that's me. Leaving on a jet plane at 6:30am... Two weeks. I will take my computer. And unfortunately, I do have some work to do (just couldn't get it all done!). But mostly hoping to have a blast with family and friends. I'll check in when I can and see how all my lovely blog buddies are doing.

xoxo

Are we there yet?

Absolutely pathetic. No, not you... me. I have days where I can't for the life of me get into the swing of work. Even after having written an article about a campaign being in full swing... it is. Me, not so much. So here I am, procrastinating again.

Mainly I'm posting to my blog because I get lonely when I don't get new comments. No offense to the commentators of my last feeble post... But there wasn't much to say, was there. I gotta say, though, Cheryl, you're about tied with Meg for mainstream queen geeks. Cuz of course y'all are too cool to be regular geeks. And any score over 70-75 I think crowns you as geek royalty.

Okay, well since I'm posting anyway, I'll give a quick update on what's going on adoption-wise. I've made it through week 4 of the 10-week course. I've turned in all of my paperwork except that silly divorce decree I have yet to find or order. I attended a generically titled "Support Group" for foster/adoption last night. We have to attend two before we can be certified - thought I'd get a jump on it. Pretty interesting. One gal was a single mom to three children plus four foster children = SEVEN. Single mom, seven kids. AND she looked sane. Happy even. There was also a couple there that foster infants (FOSTER ONLY, no adoption & INFANTS ONLY - they were adamant). They've fostered 20 infants in two years of being foster parents. They currently have two little girl babies - one a meth baby, the other a crack cocaine and fetal alcohol syndrome baby. And they're content just to love 'em and give 'em back. There were also a couple "therapeutic foster care" folks there. They deal with the toughest cases - the least well-adjusted - and try to get them to a point where they can live in regular foster care or be adopted. THAT would be a tough job. One of the families was a single woman who seemed exceptionally patient and sweet. The other was a couple who seemed a little less able to deal -- they mentioned twin girls they couldn't handle and passed on as well as a little boy they couldn't deal with. Their current little guy has threatened to wreck his room, which the mom replied, "Go ahead. I'll call the cops." Sounds like great parenting to me! Yeah...

Now I don't think I'll go for seven kids, but I'm still thinking siblings would be great, and maybe a baby down the road. I'm ready to help now, though, get some kid(s) out of the system and on the road to healing.

'nuff for now. I've got to settle my ass down and get something done. I go on a two week vacation starting next Wednesday, and need to get a few things in order. OH - before I go, special big hug to Val!!!

And, all, feel free to post more than one comment so I feel especially loved this week!! :)

Not too

Imagine

I screwed up and actually had a glorious weekend away from my computer! And have been paying for it ever since. I procrastinated on some comments I need to write to a state wildlife agency - due TOMORROW - so I should be working now (9:15pm). But I've barely been keeping up on my blog roll and haven't posted in a week, so thought I would procrastinate on my work just a little more and post on my blog.

Had another adoption/foster class last night - Week 3 of 10. Good stuff. "Becoming Loss Experts" was sorta the theme. Knowing that all kids in the system have suffered some sort of situational loss and have likely not adequately grieved that loss, we ran through some of the paces on how to understand and address the behaviors that accompany the emotions. Wooo! Sounds like it could be quite a rollercoaster! And then there's fetal alcohol syndrome - another crazy ride. Not sure I'd go that route - I'm patient, but not saintly.

In the meantime, besides the work I'm not doing, I'm getting ready for my two week vacation in mid to late June. Will be headed to the NW. And then when I get back, my bestest girlfriend, R, and I will be taking a road trip to LA to go see the True Colors tour at the Greek Theater. We're staying with a friend I met on the internet several years ago... it was a dating site. He and I never dated, but became good long-distance friends. We've met up a couple times when he's been in Phx or I've been in LA. I get to meet his wife of a couple years for the first time! She agreed to let my friend and I stay there. AND they'll babysit Kobi, who will take the roadtrip with us, when R & I go to the concert. R's dog, who gets car sick, will stay at her ex-husband's. Okay, I'm rambling at this point... But we're very excited to take a road trip! And we've moved on to planning a trip to Iceland to see the Imagine Peace Tower, with a stop in Greenland. Extremely cool. Could be a couple years before we get the money together, but the Tower will be a permanent exhibition, from what I gather.

From Yoko's website (linked above):

The Japan Times (October 2006)

"Imagine Peace Tower, as planned by the 73-year-old artist, will be 20 to 30 meters high with a radius of about a meter, and will have the lyrics of Lennon's song "Imagine" engraved on it once completed by his 67th birthday next year. The illuminated column, constructed over a base with a radius of about 10 meters, will be filled with messages of wishes and hopes from more than 900,000 people that have been collected so far.

A special mailbox for the monument will be set up in the city to continue accepting more letters to go into the monument."

And that mailbox address where you can send YOUR wishes and hopes:

Send your wishes to IMAGINE PEACE TOWER:

PO Box 1009
121 Reykjavík
Iceland

Hopefully the kiddos won't mind spending a couple weeks at Grammy & Papa's (unless I can pull the extra $ together for their plane tickets - and yes, I really want to adopt siblings - instant family!).

Save Darfur

Please send a letter to President Bush. Click on the link or copy and paste: http://ga6.org/campaign/where_is_planb

You Can't Hurry Love

I KNOW! I'm posting again! And already!! But another mini-milestone. I met with the lady at the adoption agency today, dropped off my references and picked up my paperwork. She caught me up on the work that was assigned last Tuesday. I have LOTS of writing to do this weekend, as well as looking up my address from 9 years ago and locating my divorce decree. I also have to clean house and make it look like a kiddo or two might fit in here. She's gonna come by on Tuesday and verify my address and take a little look-see.

At today's appointment, I also asked her about the timeline to give me an idea of what we're talking about here. I'm already a week into 10 weeks of classes which will be over July 17. They'll have the home studies completed by August 4, submitted to the Commission by September 4, and signed by October 4 (if not sooner). !! At that point I'll go on the adoption registry as a certified potential parent and we'll see who they match me up with or who's available for me to be considered for. Although I want whatever is best for "my boys," I can't help but hope they're available for me to mother when I get certified. (And I'll try to make that the last time I refer to them until something is known on that front.)

After my appointment, I went straight to the location where I needed to get fingerprinted - two sets. Filled out the paperwork and got inked up. I also made an appointment with my doctor to have him fill out the medical form I need to submit, and also to refer me to another doc for a round of steroid epidurals in my neck. I've got some tissue between a couple of my vertebrae that gets inflamed and causes my right hand to go numb. It happened a couple years ago, but was completely better after three of the shots. I hoped it would go away forever, but no such luck. Maybe one epidural will work this time? We'll see.

I have special assignments, too, in this paperwork. Like I have to write a letter to the child(ren) about my home, activities, pets, life, their room, etc. to help them get to know me and what it's like "here." I also have to write a letter to the birth parent(s) to let them know I'll provide a safe and happy place for their little one(s). A photo album/scrap book is also required (or at least STRONGLY recommended) - the more warm and expressive and lively the better. This is to give the caseworkers, commissioners, etc. an idea about who I am and what kind of mother I will be. (If anybody has any great or clever ideas about how I might go about that, please let me know!) Seems exceedingly ODD that I had a dream last night that a lady gave me some materials as a thank you to put in "my scrapbook." I didn't know anything about this part of the adoption process until today.

So this weekend it's all about the paperwork and housework. And I really could be a mom by the end of the year! Amazing.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I spoke to the Department of Economic Security about "my boys" yesterday, and yes, they're still available. Of course they won't HOLD them for me, but at least I know their current status. The adoption agency called me today AND the gal is going to work with me to make up a missed class and catch me up on paperwork (the classes started last Tuesday), and allow me to make up one other class I'll miss when I'm on vacation. The alternative was to wait until July 24 to start the 10-week series of classes required for adoption certification. I'm going in tomorrow morning to pick up my paperwork and give her my five references. Then in the next week or two, she'll come to my house for a preliminary check. I also have to go get finger prints (two sets) next week. WOW! and HOLY SHIT!!

I know, it seemed like just Tuesday I wasn't sure what I was doing. Now, just two days later, I'm planning to start (or am already a week into) the process of becoming certified to adopt. Of course now that I'm more seriously considering, and even working toward, adopting two "older" children, the questions and comments are starting...

"Are you sure you want to adopt an older child?"
"Two boys??"
"You know they're going to have lots of problems, right?"
"I thought you wanted a baby."
"Are you sure you don't want to wait for a baby?"
"That'll be a big change..."

You're telling me.

I really do feel compelled to do exactly what I'm doing. AND, as another friend said, "You're still young! You can easily adopt a baby in a few years!" She's so sweet.

I can't tell you how excited I am. And, yes, terrified. But mostly excited!

Hello, Dolly!

What I know now that I didn't know yesterday morning... (sorry, this leaves out all the stuff I already DID know)

1) It's highly unlikely that I'll be able to adopt an infant out of foster care. (I thought that they placed likely adoptable infants with families that want to adopt, but was told that the goal is ALWAYS to return the child to the parents and they don't even consider possible adoption status when placing.)

2) Foster parents in Arizona require a license. There are something like four or five levels of licensure and requires relicensing annually. Adoptive parents require certification which is good for 18 months.

3) In addition to the home study, which can be 2 to 6 visits, my home also has to have the sign-off by the health department. --Oh, shit! I wonder if my landlord will address the dryer vent, put in a carbon monoxide monitor, unstick the windows so there's a second exit... I should start my list now - it will take him months to make this place livable...

4) Foster parents have a huge list of support for them and the children: a respite program, child medical & dental insurance, child care assistance, support groups, 24-hour helpline, education and consultation services, foster parent liability insurance, WIC & free school lunches, financial allowances for room & board, clothing, diapers and formula, graduation expenses, education expenses, summer school tuition and fees, summer day camp and residential camp, and a personal monthly allowance for the child.

5) Adoptive parents also have some benefits such as the respite program (basically a special emergency babysitting gig), special services subsidy, reimbursement for non-recurring expenses related to adoption finalization, maintenance subsidy, support groups and ongoing education. I "think" that there can also be some additional subsidy for special needs kids.

6) Certification for adoption can cost around a grand, but the state may reimburse the fee if a "special needs" child is adopted.

7) "Special needs" means: age 6 or older, children of color, sibling groups of three or more, has physical/mental/emotional disabilities, or has a high risk for physical/mental/emotional disabilities.

I'm sure there are more things I learned, but I'm getting a little tired. I went to see Harry Connick Jr. tonight - his New Orleans tour, "oh, my nola." And it was great! What a cutie - and so funny! Yeah, it was good. (Although he seemed to start off a little rough... I was thinking he was hung-over. But maybe it was just the heat.)

I put a call in to DES (Department of Economic Security, the agency in Arizona that has legal custody of children whose parents' rights have been terminated) to find out if "my boys" are still available and how to work towards adopting them. (This is not a commitment yet as I haven't even talked to them yet.) I also left a message at an agency that is centrally located, single-friendly and secular. Hopefully I'll know even more tomorrow!

Finally, I gotta tell you about my dining experience tonight pre-Harry concert. Went to a restaurant I've been to three or four times. Nice place. Good food (usually). Instead of the thin crust pizza, I got the "pesto salad," which supposedly came with roasted potatoes. They brought my friend and I two identical salads - mixed greens. I told them I'd ordered the pesto salad. It comes. I try a bite of potato, since that's the thing that's different about our salads that I paid an extra buck for... Uck! It tasted like 4-day-old french fry. Dried out, flavorless, just UCK! So I asked my friend to try one - I didn't trust myself. She agreed it was horrible. The waiter came by and asked us how everything was, but he didn't make eye-contact or wait for an answer. I picked out all the potatoes and started eating the salad. When the waiter came by again and inquired on how much we were enjoying our meals, I told him I wasn't and explained the problem. "Oh, really? Cuz they're fresh - cooked daily... I dunno... Umm, I can ask the chef..." And that was it. I kept eating. I'd decided I wouldn't send it back because I would have just ordered the mixed green salad instead - or what I had with the stale potatoes picked out. But no worry - he didn't even ask if I wanted something else. Later, finally, he brought the check. I noticed he didn't take anything off for the salad, nor did he tell me what the chef had to say for himself (I hadn't expected it - seemed strange he'd ask the chef whether or not I should be happy with my salad). I waited for him to come back so I could ask about the bill - I decided that if he wanted a tip, he probably wanted to take the salad off so there was something left for him. I told him that I didn't like the salad, the potatoes were awful, and that he should take part or all of the salad charge off. And he said, "But you ate it, right?" And I said, "Oh, you didn't just say that..." The bill was $38.83. I left him $40. What he did with it was up to him... Ass.

Bunches of Babies

I finally met other members of the Arizona Single Mothers by Choice group on Saturday. Wow, what a lovely group of women and SUCH CUTE BABIES!! M's triplets (actually due today!), K's 5 mo.-old twins, M2 and her newborn, C and almost 1-year-old, pregnant T and 7-mo.-old boy, T2 and almost year old preemie with the most beautiful blue eyes, and H with twin 4-year-old girls. What a terrific group. All of these babies came out of these ladies bodies - which made me rethink some. I WANT to have a baby! But it also makes really good sense to me to just move to adoption...

Speaking of which, my foster/adopt orientation is tomorrow evening at 6. I'm looking forward to it and a teeny bit nervous. Here's a link to the little boys I'm in love with. But still trying to figure out if I should concentrate on getting a baby. So many decisions!! But I know it's a process that takes some time.

I'm feeling a little nervous about my impending 25th H.S. Reunion set for the middle of June. Yes - 25th! I could be a grandmother! And some of my former classmates are grandparents or parents to college kids. Amazing. I don't feel anywhere close to that old. But it will, I hope, be fun catching up. It's been 5 years since the last one. At the last one, I was skinny, damn cute, and feeling pretty in charge. Now I'm closing in on my heaviest weight and feeling a little less than "super." But improving... It was very funny, I thought, to get a phone message last Friday from one of our class's biggest "stoners" who was helping to organize the reunion.

I'm really looking forward to seeing a BFP from Tracey this week!! It just has to be.

TMI

I basically blew off the afternoon today. My good girlfriend had her hair colored and I went to offer support and many ooohs and aaahs. Spectacular shade of cherry bomb red! Her hairdresser was about as warm as a light pole in Prospect Creek, Alaska. But man could she do color. I took some work-related reading materials, but only read one page - cuz I didn't want to be rude...

Monday nights are special. Heroes at 8. The Riches at 10. And then, since I'm up, I watch Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report. Uh, huh. And now it's after midnight and I should be sleepin'. But not before I let you in on 7 random and/or little known facts about me. Thanks for the tag, Meg... err, Marcy. And like Michell, I don't know 7 bloggers to tag who haven't already been tagged. Val?? You're it!! Candace?? And Jen!

1) I am a flaming, bleeding-heart liberal.
2) I wear a size 12 women's shoe!
3) I was 5'4" when I was 10.
4) I LOVE Crazy Jim's pizza and Matt's Big Breakfast! Hell, I love food.
5) I was married when I was 21, separated at 24 and divorced at 27.
6) I was valedictorian at my H.S. graduation. But obviously not smart enough (see #5).
7) My first dog's name was Tippy. My first (of thankfully only two) parakeet's name was Sam ("I think him Sam" -- I was 4). My first cat's name was Mittens. The cat gave the parakeet a heart attack. My folks gave the dog away and told me she ran away because I didn't play with her enough (my mother denies ever having said that to this day). And my dog threw the cat out the garage door's window by the tail, broke her leg, and then had to pay to fix the window and her broken leg. Whoo! Fun times.

OOps. 8) I don't know where that came from. I call re-do.

7) I was in a band from 1993 to 1994 -- backup vocals and percussion. I was "fired," but I like to blame artistic differences. The guitarist was so pissed he quit on my behalf. It is true that we had been sleeping together.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream (UPDATED)

I'm supposed to test tomorrow a.m., but I'm afraid. I expect it to be negative, but I don't want it to be... But I guess I need to move on to the next thing. I wonder, too, if I even ovulated this month. I took 100 mg clomid CD 3-5, which is twice as much as the previous two cycles. But my symptoms weren't as bad, including the ovulation cramping, which was barely there. My temp shot up the day after my +OPK, which would indicate I ovulated the same day, but then dropped a bit and went up just a little before I started the progesterone. So I'm wondering if I had an anovulatory cycle that was masked by the progesterone? I dunno what's going on. But I will test in the a.m. and move "happily" on.

I'm collecting phone #s for REs, and I'm planning to attend an adoption/foster intro meeting on the 14th (a week from next Monday!). And I will enjoy my break!

So here we go...

Update 5/4: Another test that looks exactly like the last one. *frown* I put a call in to my doc's office for advice as to whether to stop the prometrium or to come in for a blood test. (I called at 10 a.m. and got a return call at 4:45 p.m.) I'm 11 days late, 24 DPO. Doc agreed I'm not pregnant and suggested I stop taking the progesterone.

I plan to call an RE for a consultation, but I feel more and more comfortable with the idea that I will open my home to a child that is already here and needs a home. That really seems to fit with my habit of adopting strays. All of my cats were found feral kittens, and Kobi was found on the street as well, although he was obviously an escapee.

3 little letters I could do without

This was from Sunday morning. Six days late. Monday, seven days late, I called my doctor's office and asked if I shouldn't have a blood test so I could go off the prometrium. Doc, by way of her assistant, said she'd prefer I just wait until Friday. Maybe I'll start AF by then. If not, test again. If negative, which I presume it will be, then we'll decide what next. I feel bloaty and a teeny bit crampy. But absolutely no break through bleeding. At this point I'd give myself about 0.5% chance of being pregnant, but because there's that 0.5%, I won't just quit the prometrium. Need to be 100% sure.

A little frustrating (and disappointing) to say the least.

Fish or Cut Bait

I've got zero symptoms, am a day late, and tested negative on an HPT this morning. My temps are still way up, but the prometrium is probably doing that. I have 3 days of prometrium left... hopefully I'll either get a BFP or start AF by the time I run out. I'd hate to fill a prescription and only use one or two pills. I suppose I could maybe get a blood test on Friday first thing. But that might cost me more than the prescription. (Although it would seem that insurance should at least cover a pregnancy test, which is different from infertility/fertility tests...)

I'm procrastinating at the moment. I have comments due tomorrow on a proposal to renovate a small lake for native fish, and I haven't yet read the 63 page proposal... I need to get on that.

Depending, of course, on the results of this cycle, I'm leaning more and more towards foster-to-adoption. I'm thinking I'd get a placement sooner, and I know they really try to fit you with an adoptable child. And in Phoenix, AZ, I just gotta assume there are lots of those... Also, it would certainly be less expensive. ...but here I am again, making some decision and assumptions without checking it out. So I guess this will be one of the first things I check into in May if I'm not preggers.

Okay, I've procrastinated enough. Back to work!

knock, knock

If you love Will Farrell, you'll probably love this...

The kid is acting - and a true prodigy! Hopefully no one was too offended... I was a little thrown initially. It is wrong on a lot of levels, but she's also cute as hell. I do think it's wrong to exploit children or animals, but this wasn't a money gig - just a for fun gig. So I don't know...

What do you think? child abuse? just irresponsible? or just funny?

Earth Week

Been a busy one for me. Last weekend was Step It Up. Tabled at ASU West on Wednesday. Big events this weekend for Earth Day. Fighting on behalf of the planet is always a great time!

My temps have stayed up. Could be related to the prometrium. I have no symptoms - even WITH the prometrium. I should have some answers no later than mid-week next.

Good news - although it took four months, we finally sold some jewelry on our Etsy site!! A necklace, bracelet and earrings set. And the guy wants a special necklace made for his mom for Mother's Day, and another for his girlfriend for her birthday. Yay! Gives me a little incentive to get more jewelry made and listed.

Oh, way past time for bed...
But just so I'm fulfilling my responsibility as a green citizen, I want to encourage everybody to do a little something extra for the Earth this weekend, maybe start a new habit. Use canvas bags for your groceries, or reuse paper or plastic bags. Buy in bulk to reduce packaging. Eat less red meat (uses a LOT more water and land to raise a beef cow for slaughter than for other meats)--even better, go vegetarian! Go organic to reduce the pesticides and chemical fertilizers in our environment. Eat locally produced food - shorter trucking distances means less carbon emissions. Take public transit or just drive a little less. Get your car tuned up - it improves fuel efficiency. Keep your tires properly inflated - also improves gas mileage. Think before you drive and combine trips. Recycle! Turn off the faucet when you brush your teeth. Use phosphate-free laundry soaps. "If it's yellow, let it mellow - if it's brown, flush it down" (left over from the 70's). Consider using cloth diapers. Use energy efficient compact florescent light bulbs. Borrow books from the library. Buy recycled. Buy less. Volunteer for an environmental organization. And have a great weekend!!!

Mad World

According to my chart, I ovulated the same day I surged. But who knows. What I do know is my temps went up enough that I figured what the hell about the progesterone. And since then, they've gone up further. We'll see how this goes. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm still hopeful. And I feel a little more peace about it. I haven't started the other research yet... one thing at a time. Once I know how this cycle turns out, I'll proceed from there. And as much as I feel I want the entire experience of pregnancy and childbirth, I would really be fine with adoption as well.

I've been in a heckuva funk on and off for almost a year. I don't operate at my optimum when I don't have control over situations, and you have to relinquish a lot of control during TTC. I can rationalize and outwardly appear to be rolling with the punches, but inside, over time, I've been sorta falling apart, my confidence getting chipped away. I feel good that if this doesn't work out for me, I will have the option of "taking my body back" and working toward whatever solution will bring me my child.

Speaking of chips... Some of you may recall that I bought myself a new windshield for my birthday this year in January... I got a rock chip and small crack in it today! Eeesh!! I very smartly went to get it repaired right after the meeting I was driving to when it happened. The repair looks decent, too--not like a few years ago when a blob of gunk was applied to the chip. You can just barely tell where the chip is!

If you've not heard it, or don't remember the Tears for Fears version some 20 years ago, check out Gary Jules' version of Mad World -- my ode to today's shooting at Virginia Tech. It's one of my favorite sad songs.

So It Goes.

Well, this is NOT good news. My temp stayed low this morning, presumably 2DPO, or at least 3 days past my peak. I'm suppose to start a prescription of prometrium today, but I don't see the point if I didn't ovulate. I'm gonna wait until my temp goes up. But at this point, it seems this cycle was a bust, along with the $800 for sperm, shipping and supplies. I will let my blogger buddies know if things turn around and I get respectable temps tomorrow morning, but if not it looks like I'm going on a couple month hiatus. I probably will not check or contribute to other blogs as much--we'll see. I'll do some homework and try to get straightened around and report what I am thinking, finding and deciding.

If anyone needs any AI supplies - syringes and catheters - let me know! I have a bunch!! Or email me any time: tuzigoot2001 at go dot com.

So let's divide up the wealth more fairly than we have divided it up so far. Let's make sure that everybody has enough to eat, and a decent place to live, and medical help when he needs it. Let's stop spending money on weapons, which don't work anyway, thank God, and spend money on each other. It isn't moonbeams to talk of modest plenty for all... --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Goodnight, Kurt, you lucky devil. You will be missed.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

Got my surge and peak on the CBFM this a.m. and did my first AI tonight. Bought three vials for this possibly last try, so I'll do another tomorrow a.m. and the last one tomorrow night. And we'll just have to wait and see, won't we. After that, I'm really not sure.

Here's what's going on... My job that I love is going through some changes. On the one hand, it's not that big of deal, just a little restructuring--I lose my title as director, gain a better manager (I hope), reduce the range or future range/territory of my job, and (again hopefully) increase my focus. On the other hand, I feel like the rug's been pulled out, and things are not what they seemed. I'm sure I'll work through it...

But it does impact my thoughts about moving back to the Northwest, which I've always said I hope to be able to do in the next few years. I have not yet done my homework, so I know this will all start to come together when I have more information. In the meantime, I'm guessing that a foster-to-adopt program will require that I stay put for awhile... like until a child is adopted, and maybe longer. If I move just directly to adoption, I'll likely need to stay put through the process of home studies, etc.

I feel strongly that I need to stick with my work here--I've got rivers to save and groundwater laws to change... But I do love and miss my family. I'm also afraid of too much of a good thing (family, if I moved back). So I feel a little stuck in my confusion.

Welcome to the TWW, huh?

A, B, C, D, E, G... what, no F?

I am pleased to report that the clomid did not completely f*ck me up this cycle! I definitely still had a dip in mood for a couple days, but no major hell to speak of. My favorite donor wasn't available, so I went with the choice I used last time. Hoping for a cute, curly-haired little one... or any little one...

I've been really busy with work lately, and, I guess, not very "talkative" for awhile now. It might do me well to write about all I'm going through, but I feel like I want to keep it bottled up. I don't want to go on and on about the same things, the same questions, week after week... I decide and un-decide. Why pain anyone else with my indecision. But I really don't freakin' know what to do next. Leaning toward adoption. Feeling almost convinced of that. But then I start mourning not having a baby... and I haven't even done my latest/last AI yet! ugh...

SO. Kobi's doing great still. Appetite, energy, attitude - all good. It's been five months since his surgery, and still no metastasis. Yay! And the three cats are all fine. Just realized two of the kitties are eight! I found 'em just a couple months after I moved to Phoenix, and that was eight years ago February. Crazy. Can't believe I've been here that long. Wonder when I'll get back to the NW... So far no plans. My job is too cool to walk away from at this point, and I feel too invested in the campaigns I'm running. We had a front page, above the fold article with color photos in last Tuesday's paper in Prescott. Woohoo! (Can't buy that kind of advertising...)

OH - was just reminded of the one major side effect I've noticed with clomid this time... HOT FLASHES! Big time. Right now. uck...

A Little Dab'll Do Ya

I've got a plan. For my 6th and possibly final unassisted AI, I'm on the evil clomid, 100 mg, CD 3-7 (I'm on CD 5). I will order 3 vials of my old favorite donor if available for delivery next Friday in case I ovulate early or there's a problem with the shipment. I will insem. at 12, 24 & 36 hours past +OPK or thereabouts. And we'll see what happens. If it works, fabulous!!! If not, I'll take a couple months off to let my hormones and emotions settle, and to do some research into RE's, IVF, adoption and foster-to-adopt programs so I can decide next steps. I certainly hope this cycle works out for me - making me totally average (6 tries). But whether or not it does, I am looking forward to a little break. Particularly because clomid completely ravages my emotional well-being. I wish finances were not at the heart of my decision-making through much of this process. Unfortunately, I can only work with what I have, including nearly maxed out credit cards. So, yes. A break sounds heavenly - either a nine-month break of paying debts and increasing savings!! Or a couple month break to just do research and search my soul.

I feel so much better!