It dawned on me at 6:07 a.m. this morning that I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed. I'd rather be thrilled than devastated. Okay, those are probably pretty common preferences. But here's how it manifests for me. After the first couple days of "oh, wow! I might be pregnant... boy, I hope, I hope, I hope I'm pregnant," I entered a phase of resignation that I'm not in fact pregnant. I know there isn't much chance (read: zero) of hoping or praying a baby into existence if my egg wasn't fertilized. It's either there in my womb or it's not. I can hope that if it's there it sticks. I can hope that if it's there it's healthy. I have to still act as though it's there (GOD, I MISS COFFEE!), but I'm resigned to not being pregnant this round, not getting a positive test (if I test... Of COURSE I'll test! I'm resigned, but I'm not hopeless. Or maybe I am...).
I just don't want to wish and hope for something that isn't there and be disappointed. And what's the point of hoping there's a baby bean there if nine days ago the two mysterious gametes did not in fact meet in a long, dark alley under ideal circumstances, do the tango and transcend into oneness? And if I hope "too much," isn't there a chance I'll be devastated? I can't afford to get much lower...
But then again, are the dark days due to a lack of hope? I feel extraordinarily vulnerable at this point. To too much hope or too much doubt. I'm tiptoeing a line between two extremes. AH! My all or nothing schematic in yet another form. ...glad I talked THAT one out...
This is me with five hours sleep. I'm definitely more of an eight to nine hours per day type-a-gal, and not a morning person. Even when I can't sleep.
9DPO - still have sore breasts, every day since 2DPO?! My temp finally went a little higher today, but that could be because I only had 5 hours sleep. Yawn... Must be time for a nap!
Update: maybe (LO-O-O-ONG SHOT!) some implantation spotting today. Sorta. Maybe? We'll know soon...
Update 12/3: temperature dropped this morning. Still above coverline, but I expect it to drop below tomorrow. On schedule to start AF Thursday. It's okay! I know I'm not out yet, but it's really okay.
8 comments:
I was so like you, I convinced myself that I was not pregnant, because that was easier. If I wasn't I could say, I knew I wasn't and not be disappointed, because, well I already knew. I could not tell myself I might be pregnant, because then it is such a let down. I made that mistake the first month. Then the 2nd month I was actually pregnant, even though I had been telling myself I wasn't. I even explained away all the signs. Oh thats just pms, or I had too little sleep. Nope just pregnant. It is strange the tricks we try to play on our own minds!
It is strange. I've been wondering how I will deal with the whole tww thing once I start AI'ing. I'll probably be nutso. Hang in there, hopefully you will know soon.
Ok..young lady...I could care less about what the stats say here...you could possibly be PREGS on your first try...it could happen to you. :) In fact, I really hope it does....hehehe. I have fingers crossed & prayers a plenty..streamlined your way, Chelle.:) P.S. What you are doing for Kobi is incredible, never doubt he has felt & feels your love and caring ways. I would pray to always be surrounded with folks like you in my life anytime and certainly if I was ill. Have fun together...keep those meatball tonics coming...I bet he LOVED thise!
Berrymom - exactly! I know I have a lot to be emotional about lately, too, but today? OMG! An absolute wreck. I almost made the checkout girl at Trader Joe's start crying. Had a little discoloration to the CM today, and I never spot. Particularly not 9DPO/4.5 days before AF is due. But I KNOW I'm not pregnant...
Michell - I don't think there's any knowin' until you do it. I didn't have myself pegged... I really didn't know what to expect. And that's a good thing, cuz I've been all over the map. But you'll have us to commiserate with!!
Candace - Where are you Candace?! I need you to update your blog so I know what's going on in your world!! C'mon, girl! Get your festive decorating pictures up, then spill it! (thanks for being such a sweetheart, too.)
Y'all are fabulous. Thanks for your comments!
p.s. the Trader Joe's checkout girl almost cried because I was all misty sad about Kobi... not because I was a bitch or anything... (although that could happen!)
Chelle, you are a sweetie! I have been trying to update my Blogger since early Sat a.m. darn thing has a glich...supposed to be fixed later today..we will see if blogger gets it corrected. (I hope)
I have had and read lots of stories where women (including myself) have BFP after temp drops and spotting.
I hope this is it for you!
Good luck!
Wow, I feel for you. The TWW seriously bites the big one!
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