How to Pick a Donor

After looking through the Fertility Plus list of sperm banks, clicking links, checking prices and policies, I picked NW Andrology & Cryobank as my sperm bank. That was after falling in love with one particular Greek musician donor on a different site... Oh, well.

I downloaded the forms and printed them out at the office (and made sure I was right there to get them off the printer). I also went through the online donor list and saved the profiles of a dozen donors (I still want to call them "men," but need to keep it clinical). Of those, I printed eight and quickly escorted them off the printer at the office. Once home, I excitedly filled out the paperwork all the way to the page where you fill in your top four donors. Hmmm...

I read through the profiles again. And again. Several of them seemed so young. The handwriting immature. Their answers to a list of questions either overtly self-involved, silly, too short or too long. But still, this was the final eight of the preliminary dozen. These were the ones that fit my unlisted criteria. Basically, these were the ones I didn't say, "no, absolutely not" to. But how the hell do you decide, given a choice, who should father your child? You don't exactly get to pick and choose precisely what traits you want your child to have--you have to pick the combination of traits that are most acceptable given that you do have that choice. It's weird. Bizarre with two z's. Unfamiliar. But... you gotta choose.

Health, of course, is part of it. Not "too much" cancer. Not "too much" heart disease. No suicide. Orthodontia? Corrective lenses? No biggie. But at the same time, I have the opportunity to do the best I can "genetically" for my child. And then there's just the "feeling" I got from the different donors. Their "vibes."

Okay, so eight profiles. Read over and over. Making a choice, or top four choices, seemed overwhelming at that moment. Really very overwhelming. So I called a girlfriend. I thought maybe I could just talk some of it through with her. But I got her voicemail. Sheesh. I could wait. Or I could do it alone. Like this whole thing. My responsibility. SO! I had to decide what my criteria was besides a good vibe.

1)curly or wavy brown or black hair
2)willing to meet a legal aged child
3)other things that stand out

The notes on what ended up as my #1 choice:
1)curly/wavy brown hair
2)meet - yes
3)artistic, active, outdoors, thoughtful

#2:
1)curly/wavy black hair
2)meet - no
(he was #2 specifically because of his hair and middle eastern/mediterranean descent, and the fact that "success has been already reported with the use of frozen specimens")

#3:
1)brown/curly - YES!
2)meet - no
3)outdoors, arts

#4:
1)not curly
2)meet - yes
3)wants to help make the world a better place
(I also liked his olive complexion... and was willing to accept non-curly/wavy hair because the guy, errr... donor... seemed to think in terms of a world outside himself, which is very appealing to me)

A couple others seemed like strong candidates: curly hair, interest in the world and anthropology, successful pregnancies... but mentions in their profiles like "Go Sox!" and "I love NASCAR!" made it easy for me to label them with a nice neat "No" in the upper right hand corner of the profile printout. It became easier to eliminate four. Then the prioritizing got easier.

As I thought about it, it became more important to me that my child be able to contact the donor if he/she wanted to. But I was willing to settle for curly brown hair instead if my top choice, "willing to meet," was unavailable. I lucked out, though, and my top choice, an intelligent 6'5" German, English, Italian, French, Iroquois, 195#, brown wavy hair, brown eyes, willing to meet legal aged child, Donor #340, was available. Bonus excellent vision, good hearing and excellent dentition. Paired with my own muttdom including 1/64th Iroquois, and my 6'2" 170# (or 190), dark blond, and hazel eyes should make for an impressively sturdy human.

1, 2, 3, 4... my choices were labeled, I filled in the last piece of paperwork/application, and prepared to mail it to NW Cryo the next day. I would find out within the week that my application was accepted, that I didn't need to make any deposits, and that my #1 donor choice was available. I bought nine vials, put six in storage and scheduled three to ship to arrive on November 20 (only nine days away now!).

I did it. I decided my arbitrary criteria based primarily on a dream of a little boy with curly brown hair and the idea that a child should know their genetic history if they have that chance or choice. I listened to my gut, looked past the "lactose intolerance," and embraced the weirdness that is this process of picking a donor, fully aware that I would likely have to go through this process a couple more times before I actually get pregnant.

Next: Countdown to my first AI