Your shovel or mine

I was actually a little surprised to hear that my boyfriend needed to think about whether or not he would be willing to get me pregnant. I really assumed the answer would be "HELL no." Maybe this was a front... he needed to act sympathetic and thoughtful so I wouldn't think he was a total ass.

Maybe I didn't make it clear that by the time I asked him if he was in or out, I really had decided it would be a clusterf*ck if we moved forward with him as father. You've got to understand--he's been going through a miserable custody and child support battle with his ex- for the past four years. I doubt he'll ever trust another woman again. And his little girl is his life. Which is very sweet. But there's really no room for anything else. Just the battle and his baby and a little work to pay the bills on the side. Me and my stuff are way down on the list of priorities.

So him as "father" would really be putting my future with that baby at risk. Even if we came to all sorts of legal agreements up front, I've seen him with his ex- (he refers to her as psychobitch) and I don't ever want to be in that position with him. And him as "donor," doesn't matter. Same thing.

And now maybe you're wondering why I asked him in the first place. Why didn't I just tell him I was going to start trying to get pregnant with donor sperm?

I love him. And I just didn't for a second think he would be willing to take part in this with me. I figured that I was essentially breaking up with him -- or rather giving him the perfect out to break up with me. We were only seeing each other once a week or less. It would be really great if he would step up and just break up with me.

But he didn't.

We didn't speak for nearly two weeks. And for two weeks I assumed I was "single" again. Seemed strange not to know that for certain, and dammit, he really should just face me on this thing. Finally I called him. And he was... amazing. He told me how many times this story came at him from different angles. NPR did something on donor sperm pregnancies. Some other evening news program did a story. He talked to his best friend about it. He talked to his brother about it. He agonized. And he decided he could not be a father again right now. He wants to father another child, but he just can't right now.

And I can't wait. I am terrified to wait. And he says he understands that.

So the big breakup, a tender breakup, was about to happen. Except that it didn't. He still wants to date me. He still wants to go through this process with me. And he wants no responsibility whatsoever. (Did I just kill the mood there?)

We're still together. We still see each other once or sometimes twice a week now. We talk on the phone another one or two times a week. And the parts that I let him in on--lately the frustration with finances (I'm bleeding cash), my Kobi the cancer dog, my tremendous fears about not being able to get pregnant--he is tender and patient with.

But this is all new. How much of this trip DO I share with him? Do I let him help me pick the donor? Thought that would be funny to show up with my manila folder full of printouts... But not really funny.

The ultimate responsibility is mine. My responsibility to this child I hope to create.

Next: How to pick a donor!