Step two - ignore step one and dig in

By February 2006 (aka Kobi Bloatadrama) I knew the stars weren't aligning on their own and I was just going to have to make a decision on more than a few fronts. Money... somehow or other it was going to work out. My job is as stable as any, so I'd just keep pluggin' away. Body... no biggie at that point; on a good track. A daddy. Yeah. I'd held out and held out and, well, it was time to find a donor. But known? Unknown?

I have friends, a lesbian couple, who used a known donor who actually participates as the father. (They'd told me years ago they could hook me up with a gay sugar-daddy, but I was still hoping for an intimate, romantic partner father-type.) Another woman I know of contracted out for a donor with some very clear stipulations: chromosome and STD tests and would always be available for contact by a third party (as required also of the birth mother). The fee was set and a friend did all of the liaison work and continues as the third party contact and keeper of the addresses and phone numbers.

Then there's always the idea of finding a friend who would be willing to come through for me (pun intended). I have friends. Male friends. But I love them and value their friendship and really didn't want to make things weird. They wouldn't necessarily have to be weird. But yeah. They probably would be.

My sister has a lovely friend who said he'd do it, no questions, no ties. And damn I'm tempted. But he lives in another state, and we'd have big-time timing and shipping issues. Seemed a sperm bank was going to be my best bet. Safe. Reliable. Straight-forward relationship. I did a few google searches for sperm banks and came up with a couple good lists (this FertilityPlus site looked particularly thorough). And started to let it all sink in.

But then there was my boyfriend. Yeah. We broke up a couple years ago because he wasn't in a good space for a relationship. But then in March 2006 we started dating again. Huh. Another option maybe? The boyfriend? He seemed to be in a better space (what does that mean??!), and everything, even after two full years, felt really right again. And, but, so in April I let him know what I'd been planning, and pretty well laid down a scenario for him: "I'd like to start trying to get pregnant in a few months. Not sure where you or 'we' will be at that point, but I'm not necessarily going to let that get in my way, either. If it's not by you, it will be by donor sperm. I guess you can decide now or wait and see how you feel about it then... just not sure how into dating me you're gonna be when I'm pregnant or trying to get pregnant by somebody else."

Once that cat was out of the bag - to which he barely flinched, by the way - I started to think, hell, maybe I could pay him to get me pregnant. A few thousand bucks. A down payment and final payment on conception... no, what if I miscarried. Okay, final payment after birth. No, by that point it's my problem and he's gone through some emotions and planning of uses for the funds as well. Okay, final payment after first term. Golden - makes great sense. Could save me a bunch of money depending on how long it takes me to get pregnant. I am "of an advanced age," or so I hear. (Man, that's a TOUGH one to let sink in!) But then again, how STUPID! I'm going to pay my boyfriend to get me pregnant? What a rat-infested hell-hole that would turn out to be. Yeah... No.

So we should just wait and see how it/we/this turned out. Let a few months pass, keep planning, moving forward, and when I get to the point of "well, what's it gonna be?", ask. So in early September we got there. And I asked. I told him I planned to start trying to get pregnant in November. Was he in or out?

He needed to think about it.

Next: Your shovel or mine