Just sitting here waiting for AF to show... I had a temperature dip and spotting at 11DPO, which seemed a bit late for implantation. The temp dip also corresponded with a drop in local temperatures. I added blankets, temps went back up! Then they went down again. Below the coverline today. So I'm just waitin'...
And wondering what the hell I'm going to do next. I'd planned to do 6 at home AIs, three unmedicated, three medicated, and then move on to an RE for three tries. After that try IVF. Now, as I start cycle #6, I'm scared. This is it for the "cheap" AIs of around $600/month... Using an RE will cost at least a grand a month. And I really don't want to max out my credit cards. And IVF. I'm very worried that my advanced age will continue to count against me in the odds. And if I spend (finance) $15,000-$20,000 on IVF, then I've got nothing left for adoption if it doesn't work. I'm afraid of spending that kind of money and ending up with nothing to show for it. (I'm probably not the first woman in this situation to think this way...)
And of course it could go the other way, too. Multiples. One or two is good. Three, oh my god. Four, oh I couldn't possibly. More? And I just don't know if I could do selective reduction. How does one choose which babies to keep and which to get rid of?
I SO want to be pregnant and give birth to my baby. But at what point do I say, I can't afford to pursue it this way anymore. And move on to adoption?
I will try at least one more time at home, but then I've got some decisions to make. And it's hard. And it sucks. And I wish I'd gotten started with this 10 years ago. Except that I wasn't ready then, and I am now. So...
I'd joined SMC a couple months ago and got the packet to contact local members. Finally reached them today and will be going to my first monthly meeting in a couple weeks. It's the same group that "Margie with triplets born 3/6" belongs to. It will be great to make some local single mom friends.
And although I love my blog buddies, I'm not much enjoying the NW board lately. The dynamics have definitely changed. And maybe it's also because there've been so many BFPs lately (no offense Michelle, Jen... I REALLY AM HAPPY FOR YOU LADIES!)--and all the newbies getting knocked up right and left. Granted, I'd have been ecstatic to have gotten a BFP my first or second time, or third or fourth... you get the idea. Of course I'll be excited whenever and however I get my little one.
What's next? Stay tuned... and I'll try to be a better blogger.
9 comments:
I am right there with you on the NW board. I click on and read to see if there are any posts from people I know... then I usually head over to the beyond TTC board as that is where all my friends are. I feel like I dont belong anywhere on that board. Maybe that should make a room called.. Over 5 AI attempts only! hahahah Oh well.. at least we have the blogs to keep track of each other :-)
So... I forget how old you are (I think it was 40, anyway, there are a women in my SMC group who are 40+ and they always have great advice on TTC since they have been there. You should definatly ask them their opinions.
P.S. I just want to say thank you for being you. Being scared of what the future holds is normal and understandable. When you get to a cross road. Ask questions and then make a choice and move forward. Forward progression is the only way to get to the next part of your life :-)
I know its so hard to decide what to do next. We did 3 frozen at home 4 fresh at home 4 at doc with meds then 2 at home before moving to adoption. TTC can be like a drug i was always thinking one more time LOL. Good luck in what ever you decide to do.
Chelle this is so hard. Lots of decisions to make and lots of doubt about what is the right decision, I dont envy your situation. Have you thought about just skipping the IUI's with the RE? It might be faster and less money wasted if you went straight to IVF ?? Just a thought :) I know you will make the right decision for you. And your day will come sooner then you think :) Chin up, your wonderful !
XOXO
The fact that I was on the BTTC board and my friends were all on the TTC board is why I wanted to have a blog community. We can be more in depth here and I like it better. I do check the nw board, but hardly ever comment.
What you wrote was is exactly what I think... I try to post on the board every once in awhile... but you are right.. it just isn't the same anymore. I hardly know anyone! Just the people on the beyond TTC board... and then I get to thinking.. shouldn't I be over there by now??? And yes, the whole money thing is quite frightening..... so not that it helps but you are in company in thinking all these things! If you figure all this out.. please let me know!!!! Good luck Chelle.. you have a supporter in whatever you choose!
I totally understand what you mean about both what you are going to do next and NW board. I had never thought about it before I saw so many women who had tried so many times without success and it's made me stop and think what will I do, how far will I take this. I too really want to be pregnant and have a baby although I wouldn't totally rule out adoption. Hang in there and I hope that you get a BFP soon that makes the decision for you.
C, you better believe I will stay tuned. I admire your candor here..we all ask many questions inside our head about which path is best & why, etc. So much second guessing in this TTC business, sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop. Believe me, I could make a list right now of a ton of crazy questions in my head RIGHT NOW. I enjoy your spirit and your convictions...HUGS to you Chelle!
hi Chelle, i'm looking forward to meeting you in a couple weeks! lots of us in the Phx area are over 40 and have been successful.
i definately recommend for you to book an RE appt now and not wait. you can continue to do your home try but let the doc's exam and test results lead you to what's next. you don't have to decide without some good information. some of the tests are simple (blood work) and relatively inexpensive - monetarily and emotionally - compared to the ups and downs of finding out later that there's something (or many things in my case) that could be inhibiting you from becoming pregnant.
we'll be here to support you in whatever path you take.
I guess we pretty much all have the same concerns. I never thought I'd be on to try #6 and using drugs that I can't afford. The bank just put the brakes on yet another loan, so I have to dip into my savings to do this last try. There will be no more money for IVF or adoption. Well for a while at least. I too worry about multiples because I just can't afford it and I doubt my body could sustain such a high risk pregnancy. Then there are all the worries that come with being a SMBC. I'm trying not to go to far ahead of myself and just dealing with the now. When I need to cross a bridge I'll do that. I think it's the only way to stay sane. Good luck with whatever you choose, and I hope this 2ww ends well for you.
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