Pre-Pregnancy Panic

I had a moment around 3 a.m. Tuesday... Oh, my God. Can I do that?! Can I properly mother and care for a sick infant??! My 20-month-old niece was in the middle of a good couple-hour-or-so-long crying/fussing/screaming jag brought on by flu/cold/fever. My sister had her for awhile, then my mom went in to rock her. Then it was back to my sister. Sis ended up sleeping sitting up with the baby on her chest because every time baby would lie down she'd cough and then cry. My nerves jangled a bit from the distress the baby seemed to be having. I could feel her pain. And it was so late - or so early... What if that was me with the baby? By myself? The night before I have to give a presentation or lay into a city council member? Could I do it?? Would my patience hold out? Laying there next to my nine-year-old niece, having nothing to do with any of it, I felt a lot of frustration. And fear. And panic.

A couple days later, the fear and panic feel more distant. It was short-lived. The baby slept through last night (with my sister sleeping sitting up with baby on her ample bosom - the night before a big presentation at work - which she rocked...), and she was a mostly happy baby today. Sure I can do it. Ummm... unless my baby cries for two solid hours. Or three. Or off and on for six. What if it's not one night, but three in a row!? Plus days? What if my baby was really sick? Permanently sick? OK - STOP! Yeah. I could go on like that and really get myself worked back up into that panic. I know most women/parents wonder if they're truly up to the task. At least I'm not alone there.

Besides, I used to spend a great deal of time caring for my now nine-year-old niece when she was an infant. I rocked and held her through many hours of melt downs. And never did I lose patience with her (not for the sick or the crying... other things, yeah). Alright, I've talked myself back down.

I'm 8 DPO today. And hoping like crazy I'm pregnant!

By the way, speaking of pregnant, I had the distinct honor and pleasure of meeting one very pregnant Berrymomnw today for lunch! She was radiant. And she has the most lovely blue eyes and glossy/healthy brown hair!! She really is the person she seems to be in her blogs. I have to admit that I felt like a real idiot that I didn't think to bring her a baby gift until I'd 'bout pulled into the restaurant parking lot... DOH! Thankfully, she didn't seem to hold it against me. I hope I handle pregnancy half as gracefully as she is.

Holiday Ho-Hums & Ha-ha-ha's

Actually it's been a perfectly fine day. Did nothin' much. Well, the folks, sister, 9-year-old niece and I went to see Happy Feet. (Twenty-month-old niece went visiting with her dad.) Then came home and made and ate dinner. Completely overstuffed myself! I think if I'd forgone the large buttery salty popcorn and medium root beer at the movie, I'd probably not be in quite so much pain this very moment. AND I'd be upstairs enjoying pie and ice cream!

Instead, I'm in the basement reading blogs. Some really funny blogs. My gosh. I would love to be so bold as to put their links on my permanent page, but will instead at least give them a plug in the next couple paragraphs.

First up, Looky, Daddy! I found this doozy on LesbianDad's site. Contrast to the thoughtful nature of LesbianDad, Looky, Daddy! provides frequent hilarity - sort of a hip Dave Barry. Heh! The fun that can be had with twins!

Next, a little blog called Hypermetamorphic from Davis, California comes with lots of lovely little photos and a damn fine blog list. Matter of fact, I think I love Sasha most for her fine taste in blogs. I came to Hypermetamorphic via Looky, Daddy!

Many, many more lovely photos can be found on Confessions of a Pioneer Woman: Plowing through life in the country... one calf nut at a time. Yep, you get the idea. A crazy little red head from Oklahoma writes some of the funniest stuff I've read. And posts the loveliest photos of her kids. She is so proud of everything they do, you even get a chance to hear their recorded burps and silly mutterings.

Thanks also to Sasha/Hypermetamorphic, I've just finished laughing my ass off at Mimi Smartypants. You read her here, and you'll never hear John Madden or look at Peyton Manning the same again.

Lots and lots of other fabulous stuff is out there. Please leave comments with links to your favorite blogs, or just take a tour of some of theses here and let me know what you think. Maybe I'm just overly full and tired, or maybe they really are that funny!

It Was the Day Before the Day Before Christmas, and All Through the House...

I think the first thing out of my nine-year-old niece's mouth this morning was, "I get to open a present today..." She gets to open one present a day early -- our family has always opened our gifts on Christmas Eve. Then she went to the tree and picked the gift she wanted. And, since she knows the gift has to be approved first, she went for a conservative smallish rectangle from Grammy and Poppa. She has to wait until evening, usually after dinner, to open it. But she's all ready, and I guarantee obsessing about it this minute.

Reminds me of what it was like when I was a kid. And how the idea of opening presents, seeing if you got what you really, really wanted, was the highlight of the year. Well, actually, I suppose the "getting" what you really, really wanted was the highlight, but short of the getting, the anticipation was major!

You lose that after awhile. Having faced more than a few little disappointments and the fact that the giving becomes more important than the receiving, we grow out of this pre-gift-unwrapping obsession of "what's in the packages?".

TTC is a throwback to those days. If you temp, it's every day, first thing, "is it up where it's suppose to be"? If you're peeing on sticks, you know it should or shouldn't or maybe will have two dark lines. You have an idea of what should be, but you have to test to confirm it. And then the TWW. Did it or didn't it? Do I have symptoms? Eating and drinking every day as though you're pregnant. And each day leading up to a reasonable day to test... what's reasonable? The day before the day before AF? The DAY BEFORE THAT? Or just wait for AF to get here?

I'm 3 DPO now. I plan to test on 11 DPO. That's the day I leave Seattle and return to Phoenix. The day before the day before the day before AF. Would love to share some good news with my family. And, but I'll know that if it's negative, it doesn't mean a thing. BFN means nothin'. It's either BFP or AF. And really, either one is a gift if you're 43 and TTC. At least, I'm thinkin', I still have a chance.


Kobi is whining softly to me. I poured the hot water on his food upstairs to get it softened up a while ago. He's sure it's time to eat now and thinks I need a reminder to go back up and put his food on the floor for him. Best get to it and back to the family.

It's raining outside. It's warm and the Christmas tree is lit on the inside. The house smells sweet with the sugar cookie and candy making that went on yesterday. And my two beautiful nieces are running circles around the staircase upstairs.

Love to you & yours, and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Solstice!!

AI'ing on the Road

Well, not exactly on the road, but not at home... I'm enjoying a two week holiday vacation at my family's in the Pacific Northwest. And not wanting a break from TTC, I had the swimmers shipped to a DHL facility "near" my sister's house this past Monday. Driving darkened streets and freeways alone in unfamiliar areas is always an adventure, but fortunately I found my way there and back without mishap.

At the same time, I was getting really worried that my cycle was way off. The OV-Watch was only starting to indicate fertility on Monday, which meant I wasn't suppose to ovulate until Friday. But that would have been CD17! I normally "O" on CD 15. I was SO excited on Tuesday when an OPK at 3 am showed my LH surge was approaching. At 6 am, I got a positive OPK and a peak on my CBFM, even though on Monday it registered "low" fertility. I had two vials, so I did one AI at about 9 pm on Tuesday and again about 9 am on Wednesday. I had my mom searching through her just moved belongings (she and Dad moved in to my sister's place this past week) looking for a hand-held mirror and a flashlight... and I absconded with my 9-year-old niece's Play-Doh. I used a syringe and catheter with IUI grade sperm, and got a pretty good view of what I was doing with my new speculum. I'm pretty happy with the timing and everything.

So far the score is 1 for the OV-Watch and 1 for the CBFM. My loyalty is now split.

The TWW is officially ON. But since I did the first AI yesterday, and the second one today, I'm not sure if I'm 1 DPO or 0 DPO today... I probably O'd at or after midnight, so we'll say today is day 0. That keeps my "O" on CD 15, too. I like consistency.

Well, back to family fun! I'll try to check in when I can, but that doesn't seem to be too often.

Happy Holidays!!!!

Holiday Q&A

I got this from Michell's blog who got it from Candace's blog... Play along, won't you??

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?? Egg Nog - I already drank a quart this week. *BRP*
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? At my family's house & growing up, always just set under the tree.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Nothing at my house. Family does both/and.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? Nope. Why would I hang a parasite in the house?
5. When do you put your decorations up? What decorations?
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Stuffing, mashed potatoes and brown gravy (all meat-free, of course).
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Not sure that there is just one--it's more of a conglomeration. I loved having the big Thanksgiving dinners at my grandparent's house growing up. The cooking, the eating all day, the conversation and teasing and playing with my cousins. Sometimes it was the only day of the year I might see some of those folks.
8. When and how did you learn there was no Santa? I was 9 years old, at my cousins' house for summer vacation. Sitting in the back seat of my aunt's car with cousins, they asked if I still believed in Santa. I said yes. They laughed. They straightened me out about the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy as well. Then, not sure if it was the same day or the next, but shortly thereafter they baptized me with the laying on of hands and told me I would be able to speak in tongues. Cool! I practiced and practiced... When I showed my aunt that it worked--I could speak in tongues--she told me it was something I should keep to myself. Kind of like masturbation, I guess...
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? It was always everything on Christmas Eve. And usually a gift or two on preceding days.
10. What kind of cookies does Santa get put out for him? Sugar cookies.
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? LOVE IT.
12. Can you ice skate? Have never tried.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I've received a lot of very thoughtful gifts over the years. And I loved the diamond earrings my husband gave me when we were married 20 years ago... Yikes! But I most remember a bad boot trend in gifts. In 2000, my boyfriend gave me some great hiking boots... about 5 days after Christmas when he was breaking up with me. In 2002, a different boyfriend gave me a pair of boots the day before he took me to the airport to go home for Christmas... he was sleeping with someone else before I got home a week and a half later.
14. What's the most important thing about the holidays for you? Going home to visit my family.
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Mom makes some really fun candies and cookies - but I think the chocolate covered nut clusters are my favorite.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? With my family, we always take a walk before opening presents and Santa always manages to get gifts under the tree while we're out walking. We can usually convince my niece that she sees Santa in the sky. She even saw his shadow on the ground last year... She's 9 as of yesterday. This will probably be our last year with Santa for her. But my other niece will be 2 1/2 next year, so Santa will keep coming to their house for awhile.
17. What tops your tree? What tree?
18. Which do you prefer: Giving or Receiving? I'm not answering that... Okay. I love to give, but I've been poor for several years now. Mom usually gives me some great gifts. This year I get some silverware ($20 Target) that I've been wanting. And I'm sure there will be more.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Bing Crosby's "White Christmas," and Bob & Doug MacKenzie's "12 Beers of Christmas"
20. Candy Canes- love em or leave em? Like 'em fine.
21. Favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Story and It's a Wonderful Life.
22. When does your tree get taken down? What tree?

CD Whatever News

What is it?... Cycle Day 7. My CBFM still doesn't know me, so wanted me to start peeing on sticks today. (It thinks I'm CD 6 because you don't start counting until you have full flows [river terminology] during your testing window...) I figure I'll blow another 15-20 sticks on it again this month. I'm a little nervous about this cycle as my temps have been SUPER rocky and pretty dang low--the rockiest since I started temping. And I'm temping the same time every day with never less than 6 hours sleep. I don't get it. I'm a little worried, too, about shipping and getting my dewar in time. It's suppose to ship to arrive Monday, but it could be late due to holiday shipping. I "probably" don't need it until Wednesday, but what if I'm a day early? Suddenly there's issues. Thing is, I don't want it shipped to my sister's house on Friday when there's no one home. Still contemplating options... may have it held at a facility.

Kobi had a follow-up today with the oncologist. Ah, fun. They'd set my appointment for 8am. I showed up and staff said, "Uh, you dropping Kobi off? Cuz the doc doesn't come in until 9. Not sure why they made an 8am appointment..." So I went home and came back an hour later. Doc said that most of the tissue is healing well and that the tissue that isn't healing doesn't look any worse. Hard to say if it's "granulation tissue" or tumor, except that if it's tumor, it should have changed. So that's basically good news. Kobi also got his health certificate all filled out. Doc listed him as a doberman X and then laughed... He's always previously been listed as a rottweiler X. It's hard to tell - the coloring is the same either way. And he's a big dog either way. But sort of just shows how she doesn't "know" him or his records. I dunno. It's probably not a big deal. It feels strange, though, to have this official-type document that describes him as a breed other than what he's ever been described before. Like his identity has been tampered with. ...but it's not a big deal. Is it... ?

It's Tuesday. We fly to Seattle Saturday. I have a site visit with a grant funder on Friday. (Keep your fingers crossed that we get this $80K grant so I can hire staff for a campaign I started 3 months ago! The fact that they do a site visit is a very good indication that some money will be forthcoming, although no guarantee how much or whether until they make announcements in February.) Lots of other stuff to do between now and then... Ummm, so I'd better wrap it up.

Oh, and still no word from the (ex- I guess) boyfriend. Thursday will be three weeks.

A Poem in the Making

I invite you to add a verse or a thought! Add a stanza or a line. Make a change (PLEASE! Right now it's sort of a jumble...). We will write this poem about wanting a child together, and I will update the text as your comments are added and synthesized.


A Space Beside Me

A reserved seat, a space awaits
Breath comes from deep wishes
and miles of thoughts, doubts and dreams
Another heart beating, chest falling
Another supreme, beautiful worry
A space awaits the love my life
does not yet know

My thoughts build a home inside
Belly hugging, holding, wanting
Tender breasts and longing feed
Self-cast maternity
I'd buy a shirt to make it so
A crib, a bib, a diaper bag
Hedging bets to borrow

A hole, a space, a dream replace
what's made long and painful safe
With new and tiny, warmth and mine
Joy and fear fold origami treasures
Each moment thanked for eager
gifts in what wishes
holds tomorrow

Puff 'n' Fluff

Just stuff:

Kobi's doing okay. His mouth appears to be healing except for this thumb-pad sized area. I'm not sure whether it's regrown tumor already or what the doc called "granulation tissue." We have another follow-up on Tuesday with the oncologist. She'll also do a health certificate so he can fly with me to Seattle on the 16th. THAT will be an adventure! His appetite has not in any way been decreased by his illness. Good sign, right?

I still have not talked to my boyfriend since Thanksgiving. I just left him a second message--the first one was a week ago last Wednesday. He has not attempted to call me back. I've had a few different emotions about this. I'm basically done at this point. Just tired. It would just be nice to have a final conversation about it, though.

I'm trying to sort out whether or not to move quickly into a medicated cycle. I discussed doing a "clomid challenge test" with the ob/gyn friend and she said "sure, as long as you're not going to do an AI that month..." She didn't think I wanted to risk getting pregnant with twins or multiples. That wouldn't exactly be ideal for me - on my own, limited income, growing debts... Yeah, that would be beyond difficult. But is no baby better than two or three? Still, I think the risk is pretty slim. She mentioned something like 12%. OH! She also mentioned my current chances of getting pregnant unassisted are certainly in the single digits... maybe 1 or 2%. That was really just based on my age. But very depressing!

At any rate, I probably need to set up a visit, or at least a phone call to my regular ob/gyn. Unfortunately, my insurance, as great as it is, does not cover any (in)fertility treatments, medications, etc. I will proceed with this second AI naturally, although I might get some progesterone cream... Just not sure about all this. Will have to move into some sort of assistance, though, soon if I really want any kind of a chance at this.

I did order my next shipment. I'll be doing my insem in Seattle. Maybe the change of scenery will do me good. It's been so dry and the air so polluted here... maybe I need to go north and get watered. Grow baby, grow!

I got my first baby thing (not including crib, stroller, high chair and playpen in storage at my folks'): an Oilily diaper bag! Ebay. Less than 1/2 price. LOVE IT!

Only ONE WEEK until vacation!!!

If wishes were horses...

My horse would be on a maxi-pad, not me.

Okay, you can uncross your fingers... (skip to read end of last post). It's only about an hour after my previous post. Funny how things can change so quickly!?

On to cycle #2!! With this next cycle I should have the answer on about my 43rd birthday, January 4th. That would be one hell of a terrific birthday present!!!!!

Dare I say it?

I'm sitting here at the edge of the end of my TWW.... I've had very light spotting for days. Unusual. Today it's normal, the day before I start I usually have a little light spotting. Twelve to 24 hours later, it feels like my uterus is falling out. That lasts for just a day, and I wind down totally in about three more days. I don't normally have many premenstrual symptoms. No cramping. May get a zit or two, and I did get one on my neck yesterday which has all but disappeared today. Breasts are still huge and tender, but not as tender as a week ago. Normal tenderness for the day before my period should start.

I have tested. I've tested every day for the last three days. First pee. BFN. Negative. Nope. And that's okay, it's still early. I still might be. I should know by tomorrow. If still no period tomorrow, then I'll buy a couple digital tests--I've been using cheap/practically free test sticks.

Also, my cervix seems pretty darn high up for being the day before my period. I can't tell you anything more about it... I can't find it!

And I woke up about 3:00am feeling like I was about to puke. But I just laid there until I fell back to sleep. That could have been the Doritos I ate just before bed...

But then there's my temp! I thought for sure it would drop significantly by this morning. It has always (for the past four months) dropped by 13 DPO. I have a 13 day luteal phase. But it's still up there. So maybe? This is a killer! I can be so realistic and calm and fine with it not working out this cycle. But WOULDN'T IT BE COOL IF I WAS PREGGO!??!!!! OMG! ...calm down...

Myself and at least two other women from the NWAC board are getting together this evening and meeting for the first time! There's about ten of us in the Phoenix area, and one in Tucson. We plan to try again in January to get a few more people, including one lady who will be here from Idaho for a week. I'm very excited about tonight!

Well... I'll keep you posted. I expect EVERYBODY'S fingers to be crossed!!!

Okay, I did it. Yes, I did it. And I'd do it again!

11 DPO. And I tested. Yeah. I did. See, here's what happened...

My fertility monitor has been reading high since CD 13, two days before ovulation, and I've burned through the 20 sticks that came with the monitor when I bought it on ebay. When I woke up this morning, I had the bright idea that since I'll probably start my period in a couple days, and rather than open a new box of sticks, I would use the stick from yesterday--yes, a used stick. If it read "something" it might be better than just not testing. But in case it didn't like the used stick--gave me an error message or something--I wanted some urine on the ready. And since I needed to pee right then and no way could I wait five minutes for the monitor to do its thing, I peed in a cup. Well, the monitor read the old stick. So here I had perfectly good urine collected in a clean paper cup... and I'm 11 DPO. Hmmm... what should I do? Grab a pregnancy test and stick it in? Okay.

It was negative. And I was okay with that. A negative on 11 DPO doesn't mean anything. A positive would have been beyond words. I wouldn't have minded being speechless. I'm sure I would have recovered just fine. And quickly. But I'm okay with negative.

Besides there's always 12 DPO.

On another note, if you've read past posts, you may have read about a certain boyfriend who was surprisingly supportive and sweet about this whole Single Mother By Choice thing. I inseminated on Thanksgiving, midnight, noon and midnight. I had dinner with said boyfriend around 6 (after an altogether weird encounter, which I'll write about in a second). I left his place about 8. I haven't heard from him since.

The weirdness: I told him the day before to call me about 4:00 on Thanksgiving to let me know what was going on as far as dinner timing. He didn't call, so I called him at 4:30 and left a message. I decided I wanted to make stuffing and the store near his house was closing in one hour, so I thought I should just head over there, pick stuff up and come over. He didn't call me back on my cell phone, so after I left the store and was pulling into his place, I called again. No answer, so I left another message. It's about 5:30. I take the groceries up to his place and knock. No answer. I check to make sure his car is there - yes. I knock again. And again. Rather than just leaving, I get my keys--his keys--and open the door. Slowly. "Hello?... hello??" Finally a response... "Can I come in?" Yeah. I put stuff in the kitchen. He's in the bathroom and hasn't come out, so I go into the hall and say hi, sorry, I wasn't sure what to do... He's naked, just out of the shower, just getting his contacts in.

We never really recovered. He said it was okay, but it didn't feel okay. But I wasn't sure what else I was suppose to have done. And why should it feel so weird? I have keys. I had repeatedly tried to get ahold of him, and he wasn't answering. We had plans.

After dinner we sat and watched football and he fell asleep (he had beef roast, not turkey). I eventually woke him up and said goodbye (having sat and watched football "alone" which I would never do at home). He walked me to my car, wished me luck on my AI at midnight, hugged, kissed, and I drove away. And I haven't heard from him since. I did leave him a message on Wednesday evening last week. He's never attempted to call me back.

Could he be hurt? Injured? Dead?? Possibilities, I suppose. In which case I would feel terrible for having thought so poorly of him this past week... I guess he's having more problem with this SMBC and AI than he'd admitted? But it's been almost two weeks. I'm not sure I'll answer if he does call. Except I probably will. But not during "Heroes."

No Thanks, I'm Driving

It dawned on me at 6:07 a.m. this morning that I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed. I'd rather be thrilled than devastated. Okay, those are probably pretty common preferences. But here's how it manifests for me. After the first couple days of "oh, wow! I might be pregnant... boy, I hope, I hope, I hope I'm pregnant," I entered a phase of resignation that I'm not in fact pregnant. I know there isn't much chance (read: zero) of hoping or praying a baby into existence if my egg wasn't fertilized. It's either there in my womb or it's not. I can hope that if it's there it sticks. I can hope that if it's there it's healthy. I have to still act as though it's there (GOD, I MISS COFFEE!), but I'm resigned to not being pregnant this round, not getting a positive test (if I test... Of COURSE I'll test! I'm resigned, but I'm not hopeless. Or maybe I am...).

I just don't want to wish and hope for something that isn't there and be disappointed. And what's the point of hoping there's a baby bean there if nine days ago the two mysterious gametes did not in fact meet in a long, dark alley under ideal circumstances, do the tango and transcend into oneness? And if I hope "too much," isn't there a chance I'll be devastated? I can't afford to get much lower...

But then again, are the dark days due to a lack of hope? I feel extraordinarily vulnerable at this point. To too much hope or too much doubt. I'm tiptoeing a line between two extremes. AH! My all or nothing schematic in yet another form. ...glad I talked THAT one out...

This is me with five hours sleep. I'm definitely more of an eight to nine hours per day type-a-gal, and not a morning person. Even when I can't sleep.

9DPO - still have sore breasts, every day since 2DPO?! My temp finally went a little higher today, but that could be because I only had 5 hours sleep. Yawn... Must be time for a nap!

Update: maybe (LO-O-O-ONG SHOT!) some implantation spotting today. Sorta. Maybe? We'll know soon...

Update 12/3: temperature dropped this morning. Still above coverline, but I expect it to drop below tomorrow. On schedule to start AF Thursday. It's okay! I know I'm not out yet, but it's really okay.