Fish or Cut Bait

I've got zero symptoms, am a day late, and tested negative on an HPT this morning. My temps are still way up, but the prometrium is probably doing that. I have 3 days of prometrium left... hopefully I'll either get a BFP or start AF by the time I run out. I'd hate to fill a prescription and only use one or two pills. I suppose I could maybe get a blood test on Friday first thing. But that might cost me more than the prescription. (Although it would seem that insurance should at least cover a pregnancy test, which is different from infertility/fertility tests...)

I'm procrastinating at the moment. I have comments due tomorrow on a proposal to renovate a small lake for native fish, and I haven't yet read the 63 page proposal... I need to get on that.

Depending, of course, on the results of this cycle, I'm leaning more and more towards foster-to-adoption. I'm thinking I'd get a placement sooner, and I know they really try to fit you with an adoptable child. And in Phoenix, AZ, I just gotta assume there are lots of those... Also, it would certainly be less expensive. ...but here I am again, making some decision and assumptions without checking it out. So I guess this will be one of the first things I check into in May if I'm not preggers.

Okay, I've procrastinated enough. Back to work!

knock, knock

If you love Will Farrell, you'll probably love this...

The kid is acting - and a true prodigy! Hopefully no one was too offended... I was a little thrown initially. It is wrong on a lot of levels, but she's also cute as hell. I do think it's wrong to exploit children or animals, but this wasn't a money gig - just a for fun gig. So I don't know...

What do you think? child abuse? just irresponsible? or just funny?

Earth Week

Been a busy one for me. Last weekend was Step It Up. Tabled at ASU West on Wednesday. Big events this weekend for Earth Day. Fighting on behalf of the planet is always a great time!

My temps have stayed up. Could be related to the prometrium. I have no symptoms - even WITH the prometrium. I should have some answers no later than mid-week next.

Good news - although it took four months, we finally sold some jewelry on our Etsy site!! A necklace, bracelet and earrings set. And the guy wants a special necklace made for his mom for Mother's Day, and another for his girlfriend for her birthday. Yay! Gives me a little incentive to get more jewelry made and listed.

Oh, way past time for bed...
But just so I'm fulfilling my responsibility as a green citizen, I want to encourage everybody to do a little something extra for the Earth this weekend, maybe start a new habit. Use canvas bags for your groceries, or reuse paper or plastic bags. Buy in bulk to reduce packaging. Eat less red meat (uses a LOT more water and land to raise a beef cow for slaughter than for other meats)--even better, go vegetarian! Go organic to reduce the pesticides and chemical fertilizers in our environment. Eat locally produced food - shorter trucking distances means less carbon emissions. Take public transit or just drive a little less. Get your car tuned up - it improves fuel efficiency. Keep your tires properly inflated - also improves gas mileage. Think before you drive and combine trips. Recycle! Turn off the faucet when you brush your teeth. Use phosphate-free laundry soaps. "If it's yellow, let it mellow - if it's brown, flush it down" (left over from the 70's). Consider using cloth diapers. Use energy efficient compact florescent light bulbs. Borrow books from the library. Buy recycled. Buy less. Volunteer for an environmental organization. And have a great weekend!!!

Mad World

According to my chart, I ovulated the same day I surged. But who knows. What I do know is my temps went up enough that I figured what the hell about the progesterone. And since then, they've gone up further. We'll see how this goes. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm still hopeful. And I feel a little more peace about it. I haven't started the other research yet... one thing at a time. Once I know how this cycle turns out, I'll proceed from there. And as much as I feel I want the entire experience of pregnancy and childbirth, I would really be fine with adoption as well.

I've been in a heckuva funk on and off for almost a year. I don't operate at my optimum when I don't have control over situations, and you have to relinquish a lot of control during TTC. I can rationalize and outwardly appear to be rolling with the punches, but inside, over time, I've been sorta falling apart, my confidence getting chipped away. I feel good that if this doesn't work out for me, I will have the option of "taking my body back" and working toward whatever solution will bring me my child.

Speaking of chips... Some of you may recall that I bought myself a new windshield for my birthday this year in January... I got a rock chip and small crack in it today! Eeesh!! I very smartly went to get it repaired right after the meeting I was driving to when it happened. The repair looks decent, too--not like a few years ago when a blob of gunk was applied to the chip. You can just barely tell where the chip is!

If you've not heard it, or don't remember the Tears for Fears version some 20 years ago, check out Gary Jules' version of Mad World -- my ode to today's shooting at Virginia Tech. It's one of my favorite sad songs.

So It Goes.

Well, this is NOT good news. My temp stayed low this morning, presumably 2DPO, or at least 3 days past my peak. I'm suppose to start a prescription of prometrium today, but I don't see the point if I didn't ovulate. I'm gonna wait until my temp goes up. But at this point, it seems this cycle was a bust, along with the $800 for sperm, shipping and supplies. I will let my blogger buddies know if things turn around and I get respectable temps tomorrow morning, but if not it looks like I'm going on a couple month hiatus. I probably will not check or contribute to other blogs as much--we'll see. I'll do some homework and try to get straightened around and report what I am thinking, finding and deciding.

If anyone needs any AI supplies - syringes and catheters - let me know! I have a bunch!! Or email me any time: tuzigoot2001 at go dot com.

So let's divide up the wealth more fairly than we have divided it up so far. Let's make sure that everybody has enough to eat, and a decent place to live, and medical help when he needs it. Let's stop spending money on weapons, which don't work anyway, thank God, and spend money on each other. It isn't moonbeams to talk of modest plenty for all... --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Goodnight, Kurt, you lucky devil. You will be missed.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

Got my surge and peak on the CBFM this a.m. and did my first AI tonight. Bought three vials for this possibly last try, so I'll do another tomorrow a.m. and the last one tomorrow night. And we'll just have to wait and see, won't we. After that, I'm really not sure.

Here's what's going on... My job that I love is going through some changes. On the one hand, it's not that big of deal, just a little restructuring--I lose my title as director, gain a better manager (I hope), reduce the range or future range/territory of my job, and (again hopefully) increase my focus. On the other hand, I feel like the rug's been pulled out, and things are not what they seemed. I'm sure I'll work through it...

But it does impact my thoughts about moving back to the Northwest, which I've always said I hope to be able to do in the next few years. I have not yet done my homework, so I know this will all start to come together when I have more information. In the meantime, I'm guessing that a foster-to-adopt program will require that I stay put for awhile... like until a child is adopted, and maybe longer. If I move just directly to adoption, I'll likely need to stay put through the process of home studies, etc.

I feel strongly that I need to stick with my work here--I've got rivers to save and groundwater laws to change... But I do love and miss my family. I'm also afraid of too much of a good thing (family, if I moved back). So I feel a little stuck in my confusion.

Welcome to the TWW, huh?

A, B, C, D, E, G... what, no F?

I am pleased to report that the clomid did not completely f*ck me up this cycle! I definitely still had a dip in mood for a couple days, but no major hell to speak of. My favorite donor wasn't available, so I went with the choice I used last time. Hoping for a cute, curly-haired little one... or any little one...

I've been really busy with work lately, and, I guess, not very "talkative" for awhile now. It might do me well to write about all I'm going through, but I feel like I want to keep it bottled up. I don't want to go on and on about the same things, the same questions, week after week... I decide and un-decide. Why pain anyone else with my indecision. But I really don't freakin' know what to do next. Leaning toward adoption. Feeling almost convinced of that. But then I start mourning not having a baby... and I haven't even done my latest/last AI yet! ugh...

SO. Kobi's doing great still. Appetite, energy, attitude - all good. It's been five months since his surgery, and still no metastasis. Yay! And the three cats are all fine. Just realized two of the kitties are eight! I found 'em just a couple months after I moved to Phoenix, and that was eight years ago February. Crazy. Can't believe I've been here that long. Wonder when I'll get back to the NW... So far no plans. My job is too cool to walk away from at this point, and I feel too invested in the campaigns I'm running. We had a front page, above the fold article with color photos in last Tuesday's paper in Prescott. Woohoo! (Can't buy that kind of advertising...)

OH - was just reminded of the one major side effect I've noticed with clomid this time... HOT FLASHES! Big time. Right now. uck...

A Little Dab'll Do Ya

I've got a plan. For my 6th and possibly final unassisted AI, I'm on the evil clomid, 100 mg, CD 3-7 (I'm on CD 5). I will order 3 vials of my old favorite donor if available for delivery next Friday in case I ovulate early or there's a problem with the shipment. I will insem. at 12, 24 & 36 hours past +OPK or thereabouts. And we'll see what happens. If it works, fabulous!!! If not, I'll take a couple months off to let my hormones and emotions settle, and to do some research into RE's, IVF, adoption and foster-to-adopt programs so I can decide next steps. I certainly hope this cycle works out for me - making me totally average (6 tries). But whether or not it does, I am looking forward to a little break. Particularly because clomid completely ravages my emotional well-being. I wish finances were not at the heart of my decision-making through much of this process. Unfortunately, I can only work with what I have, including nearly maxed out credit cards. So, yes. A break sounds heavenly - either a nine-month break of paying debts and increasing savings!! Or a couple month break to just do research and search my soul.

I feel so much better!