Inny or Outy?

I have an inny, but I'm outy... spotting now and expect to be ridin' the red wave in the next several hours. On to cycle #5. I read the average # of tries is 6, so I've got a couple to go to be average. And being in my 40s, I expect to be a little above average. I'd really like it to be sooner than later, though, you know?

I commented on someone else's blog today that I actually felt a little relief at not being pregnant along with my sadness of the same situation. I have been reading those books about what's to come, and along with being very informative, they're pretty scary and eye-opening. I mean, I know it'll be tough. I know it'll be lonely. I know it will be the biggest challenge I've ever faced. I also know it will be the most rewarding and life-changing thing I'll ever do. Yep. I've been contemplating this for a couple years, and really seriously considering for over a year. Charting for eight months. Trying for four cycles. Not sure I'm completely comfortable with feeling relief about not being pregnant this far into it. And I fully intend to try again. And I fully intend to hope I'm pregnant as I did this past cycle. And, I guess, I hope my feelings at the end of the next cycle, whether pregnant or not, make more sense to me--leave me feeling more confident that this is still the right decision for me. I know it is. But crap!

More pixies!

Kobi wanted to go to bed early the other night... (he goes to my bedroom door and starts barking)

Here he is laid out, sweet puppy.

He's telling me "Enough John Stewart! Let's go to bed!!"



And completely off-topic... Kobi's favorite artwork. My friend Indigo Verton, who runs The Red Door gallery in Phoenix, did a show of these fabulous photos of wigs, black and whites that she colorized. I have these hanging in Kobi's boudoir.

Fred and Wilma would be proud!

After feeling relatively certain I'm pregnant for a few days, my temp dipped (still above coverline) this morning. I took an HPT this morning, too, and it was negative. It's still early. I'm not out yet. But my certainty has certainly taken a hit. AF is due on Monday, so we'll see.

I was in a bit of a funk this a.m. due to above stated circumstances, but was revived after checking in on Pioneer Woman's blog post for today. YOU HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT!! Her son sings Oh, What A Beautiful Morning. It positively melted my heart. You CAN'T have a bad day after listening to that!

I read an interesting article yesterday about treating depression with Stone Age tools. No, don't think "pounding it out with a club." The article talks about reincorporating six elements that are often no longer present in our lives and society today.

Briefly:

1) Omega-3. The article suggests 1 gram EPA plus a multi-vitamin. (If you're pregnant or TTC, make sure you read up on what's considered safe doses and of which type of Omega-3. I read conflicting information, and, but as a vegetarian, I'm more comfortable taking flax forms of ALA that converts to EPA and DHA, or micro-algal forms of DHA. Problem with ALA conversion, only about 21% is converted to EPA & 9% to DHA. It would take approx. 4-5 tbsp ground flax per day to get 1 gram of EPA.)
2) Exercise. 30 minutes of cardio, 3 times per week.
3) Sunlight. 30 minutes of sun exposure daily.
4) Sleep. 8 hours per night on the same schedule 7 days per week.
5) Social connectedness. Make or schedule time with friends and family, on the phone and in person. Expand social network if necessary.
6) Anti-ruminative behavior. Fancy way of saying "negative thoughts." Avoid them. Interrupt them with distractions.

Seems pretty basic and healthy. And I can see where not getting enough (or too many in terms of negative thoughts) would be unhealthy. So I figure I'll give it a try. Starting now with a walk in the sunshine.

What's in a Mom?

Feeling better!! Not sure why, but I'll take it! The fog is lifting, and I'm looking forward to a big, beautiful BFP this weekend! Been having some very different and strange little twinges in my uterus today. Probably means nothing, but I don't remember feeling this before. Maybe baby? Maybe a horrible uterine infection caused by the HSG? Maybe my only symptoms post alien probe?? I'm hoping for a baby...

I've been reading books. Not just any books, but books related to this whole fun and wonderful past-time of trying to conceive as a single or older woman. I just finished But I Don't Feel Too Old to Be a Mommy! and am now reading Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide. I also have, and am looking forward to reading Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood. I recently joined the national SMC organization, but haven't had a chance to contact the local group and get involved yet. That's a goal, though. I'd heard by another SMC in Phoenix (currently pregnant with triplets!) that it was a very good, supportive group here, so I'm looking forward to joining up with them. Heavens knows it would be good to find some women to share sitters with, hang out, etc.

But I'm terrified, too. Yeah, that old friend, Panic. What if I am pregnant! Oh, shit!! This is all a huge mistake! But I breathe deep and figure out that it's okay. I'm okay. It'll all be okay. BOY, I hope I don't just wake up one day and decide this was the worst idea I'd ever had... These books are suppose to make me more knowledgeable and calm my fears! But they're making me think!!

Okay, friends. You don't have to reassure me. We've been through this before... Just ignore me. I really have talked myself back down and I'm good to go. And really excited to be pregnant! (oh please oh please oh please oh please!)

I'm not planning to test until Saturday, 12 DPO. Then I'll test every day until I either get a BFP or AF shows. But I am SET!

On a side note, I think I'm flying to Boston on the 20th of March! My first trip to the East Coast!! Likely the trip will be short - like maybe overnight. And it's not for the greatest reason - my mom has precancerous cysts on her pancreas. But it's possible that she will get an experimental treatment that will hopefully cure her and save her from having her entire pancreas removed and becoming an automatic diabetic. We're quite hopeful, but still have a lot of unanswered questions and concerns.

My mom is an AMAZING woman!! Incredibly strong and positive. Decides never to worry about something until she's certain there's something to worry about. She rarely disappoints--and maybe it's because of that that in the rarest of instances that she does disappoint it's so glaring... poor dear. She's so close to perfect I forget she's fallible like the rest of us. And I just love her like crazy!! So there.

Pop Goes the Princess

I'm getting by. It's a week past AI. I'm not really having any symptoms, except some twinges that seemed uterine in nature yesterday. Nothing today. Except a headache. And tired. Had breakfast, shopped and saw a movie with friends--the dark and savage Last King of Scotland. We're trying to get some more Academy Award Nominees in before next Sunday.

I feel like I'm struggling a bit with my mood. Almost too blah to write a post, but I know I've been absent for awhile. Figured I should "check-in." I'm apparently doing better than Britney Spears, though... poor thing.


Okay, the headache's got me. Gonna go deal. Maybe go to bed early.

Hangin' with OP

For the first time ever in recorded history, I'm having ovulation pain. Started night before last, which is why I AI'd a couple hours after my first OPK+. I thought, huh, this must mean something. The little bit of cramping came and went throughout yesterday. Not really noticeable unless I really thought about it. I did my second AI last night about 8:30, and shortly after that I got really bad cramps around my left ovary. The right side is tender when I push on it, too, but the left side - yow! It continued to hurt pretty bad all night and this morning. Not double-over or cry hurt, but yow-ow-ow hurt. It has backed off a little, but still uncomfortable. I am pretty sure I ovulated because my temps spiked this morning.

I'm sure the cramping is clomid related. Of course this morning I was thinking I probably have ovarian cysts now, but I have read that ovulation cramping on clomid is common. I only had some hot flashes, minor chest pain and maybe depression as other memorable side effects. I'll need to get checked out before I go on it again.

Here's to hoping it's all worth it!

It's time! It's time! It's time!!

Okay, really quick, cuz I need to get some work done today!

I got a +OPK last night at about 11:30pm. I'd been to the movies and had a rootbeer, then a bottle of water, and then some fake coffee (Kaffree Roma)... I was too diluted to get a decent test earlier than that, and the 1pm test was negative. I also noticed some possibly ovulation pains, which I never ever ever get. I'd been thinking I wanted to change up the timing, so I did an AI right away. Was able to get it all together at about 1:30am this morning. Plan to AI again tonight, maybe 7:30. 2 hrs & 20 hrs past +OPK... Dunno.

I got my peak on the CBFM this morning, as well I should have. The OV-Watch is really close--says I should ovulate tomorrow. Had I not gotten the OPK+ last night (who tests at 11:30pm??), I know I wouldn't be AI'ing until this afternoon or evening, and then tomorrow.... Maybe I jumped the gun. Or maybe not. My gut told me to do it, and if you could see how I'm filling out my jeans (or should I write "busting out of my jeans"), you'd know I've been listening to my gut a lot lately.

Okay, enough for now. I'm excited!

OH, and P.S. I've been paying a lot closer attention to my urine ph level this month and using alkalinizing drops in my water. ...just in case it's my high acidity that is reducing my fertility.

Rock 'n Roll!

More test results. This from my CD 3 bloodtest: FSH was 4.9 & Estradiol (E2) was 96. The E2 is a little high, but the FSH is excellent, so there shouldn't be any problem, according to the doctor. I could go into how much I worried when I had the test results and only the web for a frame of reference... I was sure that the high E2 level meant I was one step away from IVF with donor eggs or adoption. "I wonder if I could talk my sister into donating her eggs to me?" The doc reminded me that lab results are lab specific, and she felt everything was great. SO, I'm all set to AI whenever I get my surge this weekend or next week!

Shall we dance?

Funny how the contrast-filled uterus and fallopian tubes look like a funny big-handed, long and skinny-armed dancer. Or maybe not. Definitely reminds me, though, of the scene in The Science of Sleep where Gael Garcia Bernal has the huge hands waking dream in the office... As the contrast fluid reaches the ends of the tubes, it just sorta leaks and pools out in big hand patterns.

Here's an image: http://www.webmd.com/hw/health_guide_atoz/zm6047.asp?printing=true

Good news, my tubes are clear. Everything looked fine. And the HSG test didn't even hurt all that much. A little pressure here, a little cramping there... Now just a bit of leaking. Oh well. Small price.

Speaking of small price, I did just pay $150. After I'd told them last week that they'd previously quoted me $133 vs. the $230 she was trying to tell me... they put a sticky on my chart that said the price would be $150. They knew they'd told me $130-something, but it didn't include all the charges. I figured $150 was a lot better than $230, and a helluva lot better than the $750 quoted by a "reproductive specialists" clinic.

Tomorrow I get the follow-up blood test for the clomid challenge test. I'll try to corner the doc or her assistant and find out my hormone levels for the CD4 blood test last Friday.

I'm SO GLAD about my normal, unblocked tubes!!

Step away from the Pom!!!

Been having a hell of a time getting organized lately. (LATELY? anybody who knows me is asking...) Okay, it's especially bad right now. Bills stacked. Work files stacked and scattered from office to home office to couch to chair to dining table. Aaarrgh!! And I'm a grand marshal of the procrastination parade... It gets especially bad when I don't have deadlines. Wait... no... it's hell when I do have deadlines. Okay. So it's always bad. Right now, I don't have any specific date that anything is due... or, at least I haven't researched to find that date... or, it's not due this week... AND since I tend not to do anything until the day before it's due... You're totally getting the picture, aren't you...

My plan right now is to watch Heroes (8-9), make a to-do list with priority dates and go to bed by 10. I will also get my kitchen timer out and handy so that if I have any hesitancy in doing something, I can use it to prod me along (work on that letter for five minutes... then you can run away and go to the post office...)

Dagnabit! Kobi just coughed. He's been coughing/semi-gagging more often lately. His mouth still looks healed - no tumor - but, of course, I can't see his lungs. Will probably need to get some pictures of those puppies in another month or two. Otherwise, he still seems fit as a fiddle!

I've been on clomid for three days. I've had some hot flashes. And last night I started to have chest pains, which can be a symptom of the med. In about three hours, I had three significant pangs in my chest. I occasionally get chest pains anyway. I have mitral valve prolapse, and unrelated, I sometimes get supraventricular tachycardia--that was pretty exciting when it first started up a couple years ago. I can be sitting doing nothing in particular, and my heart will suddenly start racing around 180-200 beats per minute. Fortunately, it usually only lasts a total of eight to ten (very fast) beats. The longest it's lasted was around two and half minutes. Very scary before I understood what was going on. So I occasionally get the racing beats. And occasionally I get pain. So I don't know if last night was the clomid or just because. I went ahead and took another dose this morning. (Sssshhh) So far, no pain. No problem.

Heroes started, so I can only type during the commercials (every 6 minutes). Screws up the train of thought, that's for sure... (but helped me with the post title!)

Oh, I'll finish by saying my dear friend loved her earrings AND the card. She had a great birthday, despite the fact that the place she'd told everyone to meet us at was closed due to plumbing problems. Fortunately, another perfect place was open about three blocks away. She had 18 people at her party!! It worked out great!

Said earrings for said dear friend
(Still working with that new camera... sorry it's a bit blurry!)

Give it to me, baby... uh-huh, uh-huh

Started clomid (clomiphene citrate) today, 50 mg. Doc wrote the script for days three through seven, but didn't give it to me until CD 4. She'd said it would be days five through nine, so I hadn't worried about it. I picked up the script when I went in for my pre-clomid bloodwork. I was fortunately able to catch the doc in the hall and ask her some questions. She said the jury was out on whether CD 3-7 or CD 5-9 were better for the clomid challenge test. As I understand it, when you take it slightly earlier, as you would in a normal clomid cycle, more eggs are a little more mature and ready when you get the LH surge. But for whatever reason the "test" was usually done later. What I'm not sure is why I couldn't just do CD 4-8... Oh well. Today's my first day on clomid.

My HSG test, where they'll put a balloon catheter into and through my cervix and shoot my uterus full of oil or water soluble contrast solution until it spills into my fallopian tubes and take x-rays of the process, is rescheduled for Wednesday, CD 9. Apparently the x-ray tech that I was scheduled with originally doesn't do HSGs. That's, of course, a problem. Fortunately, I've got nothin' special scheduled next week and I'm all about taking care of my fertility -- priority number one!!

Have I mentioned how much Kobi's breath smells like ass? Oh my god... He can be laying at the foot of my bed, open his mouth and smack it a bit, and I'm enveloped with a really humid, nasty stench. I originally blamed his cancerous tumor, but that's been removed and his mouth looks very much healed. I'd complained to his cancer doc and she said it really wasn't that bad. So I guess I was wrong. It's not worth complaining about... so I take it all back.

Today is a dear friend's birthday, and I need to get off my arse and get ready to go out, pick up part of her gift (a frame for the card I had made for her by a gal who creates personalized greeting cards). It's a great card, and said gal was very receptive to my ideas and easy to work with. It's not every day you get to tell a complete stranger about a friend's affinity for transsexuals. Huh, I wonder if said dear friend will mind opening her card in front of all her other friends....? Guess we'll know that answer in just a few hours! And if you read this said dear friend before the party, forget it--and Happy Birthday!!